Even in Imperfection

These days I’m in new territory. Uncharted waters, you might say.For the first time since… well, since I was in college quite frankly… I am not trying to run from something.

LC and I have been hitting our first real bump in the road lately. I know I know, we had all those breakups and stuff. But that was before, and this is now. That was a life we don’t even remember all that much anymore. We’re in such a different place. And in our new and different place, we finally lost our harmony for a little bit.

I’m not going to hash over what’s been going on. It’s really irrelevant. Just trust me when I say that it has been (and probably will be for a bit longer) the first test of what we are and what we hope to become together. After almost a year (!!!) of dating, it’s probably kind of overdue, to be honest.

So here we are, and we’re both struggling a bit. And things started to churn around in my head. Things about how I’ve handled the tough stuff in the past. Hell, even in my last marriage. Things about what my new steps should be. And then it happened. I was floating off in my own head churning in some deep internal waters, and LC made me pay attention again.

He said, “I love you and I want to work this out together.” And I knew.

I knew that for once, I didn’t want to run. I knew that this time, I wanted to work it out together too. For once in my one date wonder of a life, I wasn’t threatening to leave or wondering what I should move on to. I wasn’t picturing how my life could be without him. For once, I wanted to work things out too.

I realized a life without LC would be… well, something I don’t want to think about. And even if I could fabricate all the “right reasons” in the world for picking up and leaving (which I can’t, by the way), if I did that I would simply miss him too much. My days would drag by without his emails. My nights would stretch on without his company. I’d lose my head every time there was a wine dinner or a cool event that we could no longer go to together. He would leave a giant LC-shaped hole in my life and it simply wouldn’t be okay.

And when I knew that, when I really knew? It was okay. Sure, it doesn’t make all the rough magically disappear. But the rough, it’s okay. It happens. And working through it together sounds downright fun compared to losing what I have found.

So yeah, maybe everything isn’t absolutely coming up roses right now. But it will be again soon. And even though everything isn’t totally perfect right now, I know I’m right where I belong. And I’m able to be happy even in our imperfection.

Catch Up

Let’s play catch up.

Since my last post riddled with insecurity, LC and I have of course discussed the state of affairs. I learned he has deliberately let his lease go month to month so we have options when my lease is up. (I even learned it without prompting on my part, thank you very much.) He learned I’m still feeling a little shaky. We both learned how the other sees this situation and is feeling, and some compromises are being reached. Together. In a productive-like way. Who knew?

Also, you’ll notice in the above paragraph that it seems I will be moving house at the end of this year. That, my dears, is the plan. It will be nice for a lot of reasons. I mean, no more packing overnight bags or stashing toiletries under sinks. No more realizing when I get out of the shower that my good hair dryer was forgotten at home. No more uncomfortable bed. No more leaving things behind and only figuring out too late. And no more discussions of “Your place or mine?”

And, as hard as this is to believe, if you ignore our little month hiatus (which we’ve decided to do) we have been together for 11 months. Almost a year.  Not too shabby for a little one date wonder, huh?

Identity Crisis

My blog is suffering from an identity crisis.

Back in January of 2008, I was a single girl going on bad date after bad date.  Some funny, some simply tragic… but still single all the while. This blog was all light and funny then. But now, I’m not-so-single anymore. And while I still have things to say, I’m not sure what to do with this space. (Hence the recent bout of silence.)

So, dear readers, you tell me… should I continue to write but cover more of my life? Should I write only about my relationship and relationships/dating in general, or should I take my ball and go home? What do you (or don’t you, as the case may be) want to read?

Inside my mind

Before I start to write this, please understand that LC and I are fundamentally okay. No one is breaking up with anyone (to the best of my knowledge). We are in love. This is just where my head is today.

For the first time since I’ve really known him, I am insecure with LC. I feel off balance. I am questioning the things I thought were fundamental. I’m crying. I want to grab onto him and have him comfort me, and yet that is the very last thing I need to be doing right now.

Before the Facebook bitch, before LC knew about the debacle with Big, before when we were (sort of) just the two of us, LC said all he wanted was to be with me. He said being with me was better than playing on the computer. He said he’d spend every night with me if he could. He said he wished I would see him more. He said he would come and watch me do housework just to be near me. I felt wanted and loved. And in turn, I fell for him. For me, that was the largest part of his charm. Of course there were other things. Similar interests. How well he treats me. But above them all was the way he clearly wanted me. He wanted to spend every night together and the only reason we didn’t was because I needed more space. He would do anything to lure me to his place more often. He wanted to move in together.

Then we broke up. Damage was done to both of us. I know that changes things. But despite it all we still loved each other, and we found each other again. And now we are here, just the two of us. There is no girl he flirts with when I’m not looking. There is no guy I sleep with when he’s not looking. There are no secrets. There is only us. And I have finally let go. I have finally let myself want to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me. I have opened myself up completely and laid myself bare. He has all of me whenever he wants it.

In my mind, this meant we’d spend the tons of time together he always wanted. It meant we could be what he always asked for and thought of. And yes, it meant we could move in together when logistics allowed. I have been mentally prepping for the move. I have been spending tons of time with him. I have been hoping and believing and allowing him into every corner of my life and heart.

But it has all changed. The story isn’t the same anymore. He’d rather be on the computer than curled up with me. He doesn’t want to spend every night with me. I’m crowding him and jamming myself into his life in places he doesn’t necessarily want me. He no longer dreams of sharing a living space with me. It’s almost like the age old truth about men loving the chase. I was more interesting when I wasn’t giving him everything. Now that I am, his needs have all shifted beneath me. The playing field is entirely different and I’m playing the wrong game.

I need to back off. I need to close up. I need to pull back. Because I feel like he liked it better when I was unavailable. He wanted more and gave me more then. And I’m not talking about dinners out or gifts that come in boxes or cost money. I’m talking about him. He offered more of himself when I was offering less. And I can’t help but think I need to offer less again. I need to be more distant. I need to pull back.

When I was somewhat closed off from him, I was protected and safe. And yes, the way he wanted me made me fall for him. But he never had all of me. It’s like that made him work harder to get it. And I don’t want him to feel like he has to work to be with me. But the bottom line is that now I feel rejected. I feel like I offered what he had always asked for and it’s nothing he wants. I don’t know how else to describe it so I’ll say it again. I feel rejected.

In my mind, I was beginning to firmly believe that we could move in together when my lease is up. Today I finally decided we will most likely not do that. That it is no longer what he sees when he closes his eyes. That our future is no longer a dream of his, only of mine. And this makes me remember why I guarded my heart so closely. Because every time I let go, this happens. Every time. And the dream of a man wanting this much of me… well, it’s exactly that. A dream.

I love him. I love him madly. I am so far in I don’t know where the exit door is anymore. And I haven’t looked for it in a long time. I don’t want out, and I don’t want to play games. And this rejection, however small it is compared to the beast in my mind, it is huge to me. It reminds me that although men say they don’t want the game-playing, so many really do. Because when I let go, when I relax, this is always the end result.

He knows how I feel, it’s not a surprise. For the record, he also knows about this blog and that I still write. The agreement is that I write nothing I wouldn’t (and don’t) talk to him about. At some point or another I have said all of these things to him. I have looked him in the eye and told him I felt more loved when he thought he had to beat Big. I may not have strung these thoughts into one conversation for him, but I have said it all. I don’t know if he hears or not. I don’t know that that even really matters. All I know is that I have to find a way to pull back. I have to find a way to slam shut some of the doors I struggled to open for him. I shouldn’t have laid myself out like that. I should have been more careful.

I’m scared for us. Opening up and closing down are both very hard for me. It cost me so much to let go. And it will cost me that much more to pull back. We need to be a weekend only kind of couple again. Those are the only times he enjoys with me. I need to be a part-time girlfriend. Or so it feels to me. I need to hope that will make him want more of me again.

He knows I’m upset about something now. It was too much for me to tell him all of this in one go, so I shrugged. He told me over and over that he loves me and he isn’t leaving me. And in my mind, all I know for sure is that is what they always say right before they go.

Sometimes you have to wonder

Last night, I was searching high and low in my apartment for a book. (The final Harry Potter book, if you must know.) I know I have it, but for some reason it is totally MIA at the moment. Anyway, I was scouring the apartment for it.

While I was looking I found an outfit LC has gotten me, jewelry he’s given me, and a picture of us doing something fun together. I saw the flattened wine bottle he got for me nailed up on my wall, and I ran across things I bought so that we could do more things together, like hiking shoes and snow pants. Then I found the only thing Big ever gave to me…. a vibrator.

If that doesn’t sum it all up, I don’t know what does. Sometimes I have to wonder what I was thinking.

A Talk with LC

The lights were dim in the bar last night. They’d had a power outage earlier in the day. Only their downstairs was open and it was mostly candle lit. We had to move the candle around to read our menus and see our food. While we waited for the kitchen to start offering their limited menu, we had a few beers. And we talked.

Alcohol is funny sometimes. It loosens our tongues and allows us to say the things we may have been holding back. And so it was that without annoyance or reticence that we started to talk about our relationship.

I was finally able to tell him that he has to forgive me for what happened with Big or we probably won’t make this work. I told him I would keep trying, but that he needs to let it go. He agreed. We talked about how we felt and why we both hurt before. And we talked about now.

I was able to tell him how different he is. How I feel insecure because I feel him holding himself back. How all that passion he unleashed in March is gone again. How those were the things that made me fall for him in the first place and I miss them so much. He said he’d do better.

We talked about our time apart too. How I wished every day that I was with him and not Big. Every time Big asked where we should go to lunch, and I knew we’d end up at Wendy’s because all the places I wanted to go were places he would refuse. How I knew Big and I would fail, I always did know, because we were too different and I would never be happy. And he told me how every time he went out on a date, and he went out on many, he wished it was me instead.

I was allowed to tell him that I am still afraid he will leave me. And he bluntly told me he wouldn’t. He was allowed to tell me that if anything like Big ever happened again he would be gone forever. I told him that mistake will never be repeated. He told me he believes me.

When we got back to my place, I felt calm and reassured. For the first time since we got back together, I felt peaceful and sure of us. He told me he was glad we talked because he knows this was all something I’d been holding back for a long time now. Then we climbed into bed together and he held me as I fell asleep.

It was a good night.

Thinking Ahead

A few weeks ago, LC and I had a conversation about the future. Well, let me rephrase. A few weeks ago, LC and I had a conversation about how he isn’t thinking about the future. He’s living for the moment, he says. In the here and now. Now we won’t discuss all the weird things this means in my head. Just suffice it to say, I knew future plans were not an accepted topic of conversation. And where once we had freely talked about what we would do six months away, now it was no longer welcome.

So fast forward to yesterday, and let’s clarify a few things. LC and I have been spending almost every night of the week together. I have stayed at his place so much that I actually bought spares of my snooty expensive skin care stuff to leave there. (I’ll give you a moment to pick yourself up off the floor.) Yes, for the first time ever, I have left expensive high end toiletry items at a man’s house. On purpose. I am there that often. So naturally, my mind is careening ahead to moving in together. Not because I’m impatient (despite what some people believe) and not because I move too fast. But because my mind is always about five steps ahead of myself in time.

Seriously, my mind goes in insane directions with great speed all the time. I’m thoroughly convinced that if someone else had to deal with my thoughts, it would drive them mad. In a normal day this month, I will think about what will happen when my lease is up at the end of the year, if I’ll ever get to take a cruise vacation, a big career move planned for late this year or early next year, and who is cooking Christmas dinner this year. Seriously. In between all of those things will be potty humor, cute cat pictures, sex, and how best to torture my friends at work. I may even have a spare moment to think about work itself before the day is through. It’s just how my mind goes.

So, to the point here. LC was with me yesterday while I ran to my apartment office to pay the rent. Which I dropped off the check, he was perusing the current prices for units in my complex. We were laughing over how much more apartment he could get here than at his place for the same price. And he pointed out that his apartment is cooler because it is in a better building in a more awesome location and he faces not a street but the river. I agreed. Then we noticed that my place has townhome units for rent with two car garages. I was wowed, LC less so. Whatever, he said, I have a garage spot too. I pointed out that he pays extra for it. He pointed out that his rent was less than the townhome was.

And then I did it. Before I could censor myself and before I even gave it a second thought, my mind raced ahead and my mouth forgot to watch what it said. “Yeah but if we move into a two bedroom at your building….” I said. And I stopped. I stammered. I assured him I didn’t mean that. I waited for him to bolt. I apologized. I tried to explain myself and my twisty brain. I was horrified. I had literally promised myself I wouldn’t do exactly this. And yet.

LC just laughed and told me not to worry about it. Besides, as he pointed out, my lease isn’t up until December. A fact which he remembered, I might point out. And later that day he offered to cook the turkey for Thanksgiving this year. I like the way he thinks.

Facebook Redux

So first we talked about why Facebook is the devil. Then we had the story about that Facebook bitch which further illustrated the point. And now I have yet more proof… the “Relationship Status” profile information.

How could one little field of stock profile information cause so much havok? Well let me tell you how.

When LC and I decided to get back together, I was perhaps a bit more enthusiastic than he was at the very beginning. And I remembered that the dreaded “Relationship Status” field on Facebook had been an issue for us in the past. Mostly because I wouldn’t change mine right away. So when we made our decision, I immediately went in and said I was in a relationship with him. Then I waited for him to confirm. And I waited…. and I waited…. and I waited. Well, I waited half a day at least. (What? I’m not a patient woman.)

Finally I just asked him if he’d checked his email. He said he’d seen it but he needed to talk to someone before he switched it over. Fair enough. Later that night he said his Facebook was just work friends anyway and he was just thinking he would keep relationship stuff off of there. Well, dear friends, I balked. I asked if he wasn’t planning on telling them about us. He said he’d already told a few people. I asked what the problem was then. He grudgingly said he guessed there was none. But the topic was dropped without satisfaction on either side.

A few days later, we talked more calmly. He felt the request was invasive and presumptive because it had been sent without warning or question.  I explained I was only attempting to right past wrongs. He said he could understand but that he wanted to wait a few weeks before declaring things there. That he cared what his friends thought and our story was already so full of twists and turns. He just wanted some time to be sure neither one of us was going to wake up one morning and run for the hills. I said I could understand and would cancel the request. And he could send it when he was ready.

And so time passed. First one week. Then two weeks. Then three weeks. He said he’d told everyone at work. So I was left wondering if he’d perhaps never told that girl he had been casually dating? Was he hiding me from her? That seemed unlikely as he would not have had any free time in which to see her really. So my mind leapt to the next horrifying but logical place. Maybe he really was going to wake up one morning and decide he didn’t want me. Why else?

But I stayed silent, as I had promised. Although in my mind, it became a larger and larger point of concern.

Then, one morning just this week, he changed it and I had the confirmation email. And even though we were spending every night together, and even though he’s been with me and so supportive through some difficult things lately… even though all of that is true, this one email about a relationship status setting on Facebook made me grin from ear to ear. Of course, I accepted immediately.

It really is the stupidest things which make a difference to us in the end. Or cause trouble.

Time heals?

All of this rain makes me pensive. For some reason it always has. This morning I’m wondering if there’s really a problem at all.

We’ve been spending almost every night together. I fall asleep touching him. I wake up and roll into his arms. We’ve done big things… shopping trips, festivals, wine tastings. And we’ve done little things… hikes, movies in, cooking dinner. He continues to invite me over. He assumes I will stay the night. He tells me he wants me there because he knows I need to hear it now. He reaches for me as we watch TV in the evening and nestles my head against his chest then leans over to kiss my forehead.

And still I remember the way things used to be. When we were out in the sunshine and he would embrace me and kiss me passionately, not caring who saw. When he would tell me he loved me all the time. When we would go places and people could just see we were in love. When he would stand on every mountain both virtual and real and shout out that we were together.

Except then there was always something in the way. Always someone else. Always a choice to be made. These days there are no more decisions… just him and me. And I can’t help but notice that he barely touches me in public. That he rarely says I love you first. That he doesn’t kiss me like he used to. That he gets impatient when I want to talk about it.

In some ways we are closer than we’ve ever been. In other ways I feel isolated. And I think, maybe it’s not fair to think after a few short weeks that it will all just be like it used to. And then I think maybe he liked me better when he thought he couldn’t have me. I worry that maybe I am a story that he just wants to see the ending of. Then I think I shouldn’t post this here because maybe, he might see it. But now I think maybe that doesn’t matter so much anymore.

We are planning vacations together. We are spending most evenings and nights together. In some ways, we have more of each other than we’ve ever had. And in some ways I still feel cut off and I still long for the way he used to love me.

This morning I just needed to tell someone, and so I tell you. I don’t want my neediness to drive him off. I don’t want to ruin our chance of healing. I try not to mention this to him too much. I’m not running away from him nor do I want to. I just want that love that I remember to come back to me. And I’m hoping all it needs is time.

Unsaid

Sometimes what is left unsaid is as powerful if not more so than the words we do share. And while I hate when others do this, here it is. There is a lot I’m leaving unsaid right now. Before I face a barrage of opinions and feedback and other people’s thoughts, I need to make sure I’m clear on my own. I need the dust to settle. I need to breathe.

So I may not be saying a lot right now. But I’m here. And I’m living. And with each passing day the dust is settling a bit more and my breaths come clearer. When this all lifts for sure, I’ll have a lot to say. Don’t you worry.

But for now, I’m here. I’m quiet, but I’m here. Don’t give up on me.