Without a Fight
Now I see it again…. the consequences of two divorces and 30 years of failed relationships. What happens when you don’t have a single good example to look to in your life. The natural reaction of someone who has watched all of her friends settle into happiness while all she could ever settle into were some broken dreams.
It’s not that my life is so bleak. It’s not that I’m so unhappy now. I mean, I’m aware of what’s missing, but I’m grateful for what I’ve started to build too. I have finally reached a place where I feel whole again. Where I feel ready to find someone else to build with too.
And yet. The bottom line. The one consequence I can never seem to outrun, is this: When someone says they would like something long term and committed? I panic. I start looking for reasons why I should run. I race for the exit and get my hand on the door before I can even slow myself back down again.
What is wrong with me? If I am finally face to face with what I want, why do I do this? I once had a friend chastise me for planning a breakup before I even had something to properly break up. We were talking about Mr. Big in fact, and I was telling her all of the reasons why I should never put stock in a relationship with him. (A notion that seems increasingly intelligent, by the way.) Why it would never be, and how I would have to leave in the end. And she interrupted me and told me to stop planning my break up before the relationship even started. To stop looking for the exit.
I don’t think it’s necessarily about the combination of me and the man in this situation. I think it’s about all me. I think it’s the reason I continue to meet men who don’t want to commit. Not because I’m repellent, but because subconsciously I am making a decision of some sort. I want to be committed, but something in me is still so very scared.
This is all navel-gazing for me at the moment. There is no man offering me commitment. But it’s something I have been realizing for a while and that was brought into sharp relief by that brush with Mr. Big this week. This morning I am just trying to stomp down the irrational panic. The fear of another breakup that looms before I even have a chance to just be happy for a bit. The tiny voice in my head that can sometimes be such a roar.
One of my new favorite artists is Edie Carey. This is from her album Another Kind of Fire and you should totally check her out. And while you’re at it, check out the lyrics below. I feel like maybe she has been in my head for a while. It’s eerie.
WITHOUT A FIGHT:
How do you do it?
I don’t get it
How you get so angry
And then just forget it
How forgiveness comes so easy to you
Maybe I’m just crazy
How I get so shaky
But what if happy just means lazy?
What if leaving is the only thing
I know how to do?
When will I learn
It doesn’t have to burn to feel good again?
I wanna know how to love you right
Without a fight
So I flirt with freedom
Think “maybe I don’t need him”
I’ve been saving up my reasons
Why I’m gonna break this little silver thread
Watch me go off the deep end
Smash the dishes again
Throw the suitcase on the bed
I’m just a hurricane of appetite
And empty threats
When will I learn
It doesn’t have to burn to feel good again?
I wanna know how to love you right
Without a fight
But the farthest I can get
Is one hand on the door
It looks so much like passion
And it hurts sweet like love
I think I’m finally understood, finally…
Without a fight, without a fight
Filed under Uncategorized, confession | Comments (2)Check it out!
Isabella of Risque Business is one of my favorite dating bloggers out there. And now she has graciously let me appear as a guest on her blog! Her latest entry “Internet Dating, Cue It or Screw It?” is an interview with none other than me, your favorite One Date Wonder!
Please go check it out and be sure to read the rest of Isabella’s blog while you’re there.
http://www.mainetoday.com/blogs/sex/
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (1)At a loss
You know, funny thing about the undead. They sort of never…. die. Hence the name, undead, of course. Of course if you text message them to say you miss talking to them, that is likely to encourage their undead tendencies, I’ll admit. But still, they don’t have to answer, you know?
What does this mean? It means that even a savvy One Date Wonder does not always operate with the greatest of intelligence. It means I was the one who sent that text message, and I sent it to the zombie guy. And it means he answered. Yesterday I went over to his place for lunch.
There was no hug hello at the door, there was really no touching at all. I was trying to decide he just wanted to be friends as I ate my pizza and pretended to care about whatever he put on tv. He told me all about how April is going to be romance free for him. No dating, no sex, no romantic thoughts at all until May. Effective immediately. I finished my pizza and put down my plate. Then he kissed me.
It was not a friendly kiss. It was hands in my hair, knee-melting, full on kissing. It definitely required romantic thoughts of some variety. He told me he was breaking his rule. We kissed some more. He didn’t seem to mind so much.
Before I left he decided he’d still take his April break. I don’t know what that means or what I should do. In fact, I’m completely at a loss.
Filed under Uncategorized, okc, tales of woe, zombie guy | Comments (5)Lookie lookie!
I cant even remember where I saw it now, but I found Twitter. Anyway, I’m still figuring out how to use it, but come follow if you want the quick and dirty (!) updates on my life.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (0)
