Bad Pickup Line

Here’s one for the DON’T list. Imagine seeing a profile on an online dating site. And imagine you thought you might like to meet that person. Then imagine sending the following email.

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutie pie like you!

You can’t imagine it can you? Why? Because it’s stupid. And it won’t get you a date. It will only get you deleted.

PS - Lack of greeting or signature and random capitalization only add to the lack of charm.

I suck. I totally called and bailed on the date and left a very nice, very confused virgin wondering what the hell happened. I am a bad person. Oooof.

UPDATE: Ok, I leveled with him. I don’t know if that makes this tale better or worse but I told him the truth. I’m pretty sure he hates me, which is a freaking shame because he seemed to be a great guy. But I knew I couldn’t handle the responsibility of that relationship and I know he very much is looking for a romantic relationship and not a new friend. I’d like to imagine I did the right thing.

I suck. I totally called and bailed on the date and left a very nice, very confused virgin wondering what the hell happened. I am a bad person. Oooof.

UPDATE: Ok, I leveled with him. I don’t know if that makes this tale better or worse but I told him the truth. I’m pretty sure he hates me, which is a freaking shame because he seemed to be a great guy. But I knew I couldn’t handle the responsibility of that relationship and I know he very much is looking for a romantic relationship and not a new friend. I’d like to imagine I did the right thing.

Karma

Karma is a nasty little mistress, isn’t she? I fear she has come after me and nipped me soundly in the behind this time. And there is just no way for me to get out of it. I am now going to pay full price for my laugh at the Tragic Sundae. Oh yes, yes I am.

Here’s the story. I like geek guys. I like them a lot. I don’t care what you think of me, I think they are instantly hotter and they win points with me. Now I do of course have limits. We must be looking at the reasonable geeks here. But still, geek guys do it for me.

So when this relatively sane looking geek guy started emailing with me, I was kind of interested. He’s 28, lives nearby, and is well spoken. He got quickly to the business of exchanging phone numbers, then asking me out. He took the proper initiative. And he has a very lovely very deep voice. He’s even tall. If this guy is even reasonably attractive, I’m thinking he is my type and then some. So when he called me last night, we made a coffee date for tonight right at the beginning of the conversation. Then we proceeded to chat for close to 2 hours.

And it was around the hour and a half mark that he revealed he’s a virgin. That’s right, gentle readers. I have accidentally made a coffee date with a 28 year old virgin. Karma is kind of a bitch.

It happens

Sometimes shit happens. Bad shit. And as much as you’d like to explain the details to everyone, you just can’t be bothered to rehash it like that. So let’s do it like this.

I overestimated Mr. Big. It was a clear mistake and I won’t do it again. It’s time for me to start exercising the open ended nature of this arrangement and date again. That’s the salient point here. Now all I need is someone to date.

The Possible Prince - The Possible Final Episode

Initially, the princess started to become impressed by the possible prince. After the first round of contact, he hung in. He chatted on IM, sent a few emails, and even called once more. The second phone call was even a bit longer than the first and much laughter was had. The princess thought he was quite possibly a prince after all.

On that last phone call, the princess started to feel around, to see if the possible prince would ever ask her out. After a couple delicate princess-like hints, our possible prince indicated a definite interest. But, seeing as both kingdoms were celebrating their mothers, the queens, on the coming weekend, it was agreed that actually scheduling something would have to wait. The princess felt better though, knowing the interest was there and the date would be forthcoming. Or so she thought.

As it turned out, after that our possible prince fell silent. All news from his kingdom stopped all together. The princess pondered the situation, but her kingdom had been in a flurry of activity lately, so she didnt have the time or energy to devote to determining if she wanted to work on the problem. As more days slipped by, our princess slowly stopped caring if the possible prince was going to bother again.

This morning, when the princess woke up, she realized it had been at least a week since she had heard from her possible prince. In her mind, this quite possibly made him not a prince at all, and indicated a strong possibility that their kingdoms were never meant to merge. Our princess pondered possibly sending a squire to tell the possible prince that the time had come to shit or get off the pot. But she couldn’t decide if such a message was even worth the squire’s time. Especially given the other activities currently going on in her kingdom.

Our princess was torn. Before the dust settled on the kingdom’s current state, she thought she’d like to try out one more possible prince… just to see if she was happy with some decisions she’d been making lately. And while she still could. But our possible prince was proving to quite possibly not be a prince at all, and frankly the princess wasn’t sure he was worth the effort and the squire it would take. And so her dilemma wore on, meanwhile no messages were being sent between the kingdoms.

What should she do? Should our princess walk away? Or should she try one last time to contact the possible prince, just to see? Is he really worth the effort? Your humble narrator would advise you to stay tuned, but I fear this tale will end quietly. With the not-so-possible prince fading into royal oblivion as the princess can simply no longer to be bothered to even care. But she may change her mind. Still, my advice is not to hold your royal breath.

The Philosopher - Part 2

Over the coming weeks, The Philosopher would text message me randomly before disappearing again. Mostly the conversations degraded quickly into some kind of sexy talk and I would try to redirect, deflect, or just terminate the conversation all together. It was clear what the Philosopher wanted and it definitely wasn’t more than a roll in the hay. He spent much time trying to convince me our next date should be at my place, in front of my fireplace. I knew that was badly disguised code for “I’m not going out with you again unless you give up the goods.” I agreed to nothing.

He came back in town about a month after that first date. I had had my limit of the sexy talk and the blatant goal setting he was attempting to do. I bluntly asked him why he was so determined. He bluntly answered why not. I rather bluntly told him it wasn’t ever going to happen. Alas, this story would not be so long if I’d stuck to my guns.

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Something in the air

There is something in the air here at One Date Wonderland, and I would seriously like to find something that will kill it. But, at least it makes for fun stories!

First it was my ex-husband. He reappeared and started trying to get back in touch to be “friends”. There some some blather about how it had been a year, tough choices were made, he was second-guessing. It was all very vomit-worthy. The third time I sent him packing I thought he was gone. (Especially since I told him he was being extremely rude to his live-in girlfriend of almost a year.) Until he IMed me a few days later. For the record? I simply ignored it.

Then it was The Philosopher. I think I have neglected to tell our story here, so I will save that for another time. Just know that we have been back and forth since November, although after a bad bedroom incident, I stopped communication. Still, he calls. Last night, he called. I am not responding.

Also last night, The Insinuator returned! He started IMing me, and I seriously could not be bothered to even answer. This is how the one-sided exchange proceeded:

Him: Hi Jane long time no hear, how are you?
Him: I hope you still remember me
Him: hope you are not ignoring me… I just want to say hello, thats all
Him: ok bye then

Yes, bye then. Please don’t come back.

Are we quite finished now? Because I truly could not be less interested in any of these men. Fascinating how I could have an unattractive, passive aggressive guy who’s bad in bed any day of the week. But a real live decent man? Yeah right. Anyway, pass the Lysol. Or something.

Walk away

Due to maintenance issues, my apartment became very uncomfortable for me tonight. Mr. Big and I were discussing the situation and he kept apolgizing to me. To which I kept telling him this was not his fault. Then finally he told me he knew, but he just felt like I would be more comfortable at his place.

Me: I didn’t ask. I know better.
Him: that’s why I’m sorry.

I had to walk away.

Roller coaster

This week I had a lunch date with Mr. Big. It is the first time since our first few dates roughly five months ago that we have met with absolutely no intention of doing anything but eating lunch. And furthermore, that’s all we did. It was actually sweet. Ironically, all hell broke loose afterwards.

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