Why Facebook is the devil
We all have Facebook pages these days right? Of course we do. Because we’re hip, and savvy, and whatever other cool word means in touch with the online universe these days. It’s kind of fun sometimes. You know, I get to poke my friends, write annoying stuff on their walls, send them weird gifts, and answer stupid quizzes. So what’s wrong with that, right?
Well as I use it, more and more friends from high school and college are finding me and adding me as friends. So here are these people who didn’t bother to keep in touch who are now fake-interested in my life and where it’s been. Okay, so that doesn’t really annoy me all that much either. I mean, sure they didn’t keep in touch all along but then neither did I. And reconnecting is kind of cool in a dorky lets-say-we’ll-keep-in-touch-now-but-really-not sort of way. So again, what’s my problem right?
Here’s my problem. Every interaction invariably goes roughly like this:
Old friend: Hi Jane! It’s been so long! What have you been up to?
Me: Oh, you know, nothing much. Living in Baltimore, working in my office, going out with friends. It’s a good life. How about you?
Old Friend: I’m great! Been married for [insert amount of time here]. We [ (circle one) have kids, are pregnant, are looking to adopt, are starting to try for children]. Hey, didn’t you marry First Husband? Whatever happened to that? Do you have kids?
And this is where it has obviously all gone to hell.My profile clearly says I’m single… can’t you just add two and two and come up with the fact that I’m divorced? I mean, that really is four in this equation. And knowing that, did you really need to ask about kids? I mean, sure I could have had them, but aren’t you trodding into delicate territory now? Did I respond and ask you why you have to adopt instead of having your own children? No? Wanna know why? Because it’s tactless, that’s why! And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want to have a personal discussion like that with a virtual stranger. When did it become acceptable to get in touch with someone you barely ever even knew and start rapid firing sensitive questions? I mean, seriously. I haven’t even spoken to these people in roughly ten years, and now you want to ask all of this?
I want to know where all the other divorced folks are hiding? Where are my college friends who didn’t have babies and couldn’t make things work? You know where they are? Because I have an idea. They’re hiding from this nonsense! They are tired of being attacked with questions and barraged with their coupled up acquaintances’ perfect little lives. They secretly think you all are hiding something anyway, we all do. But they have decided they are tired of feeling like circus freaks for living alone with their cats.
The worst part is after that conversation with old friend. After you have revealed the big bad divorce thing and your childless state. After you have tried to explain what a grand time you are having living alone and going out with your friends for booze on a regular basis. After all of that, where you have put on a happy face and smiled and jollied it up, hoping they’ll see that your life is cool too.
Because after all of that, they say they’re sorry. Sorry? Seriously? Because I’m not! I mean, old friend, I am happy that you are coupled and living the good life. I do not look down on that. I do not apologize to you because you are looking to adopt. I am not sorry for you. So save your sorries for me too, ok? I mean, I’m not sorry at all. I could still be married to that loser, you know? I could still be miserable every day of my life because I woke up next to him. But I’m not! I’m going out for happy hour on the spur of the moment because I’m not pregnant and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission first. I’m doing what I want when I want without worrying about what someone else might think or feel about it. I’m going to the bathroom with the door open, dammit. My life is pretty freaking grand.
At least, I had myself convinced of that until 20 of you with your husbands and families got in touch with me just now. Now I’m just feeling a little weird. But it would certainly help if all of you hadn’t been sorry for me, you know?
Right. Damn Facebook.
Filed under random | Comments (20)Random thoughts
I know you love it when I’m all scatterbrained and I post anyway. I just know you do. So, just to oblige you, here is this:
- I adore the smell of fresh clean boy with manly soap. Seriously. Whatever they put in men’s soap and deodorant is like crack to me. Mr. Big is now talking about leaving his soap in my apartment for just this reason.
- Secretly, I’m sure he will never do such a thing. Because that would mean something of his would live at my place. And he is especially phobic about stuff like that.
- I am still battling that f-ing cat litterbox smell. I’m starting to think it’s all in my head. My friends say my apartment doesn’t smell, and yet I smell it every time I walk in the door. What’s up with that? And please send help.
- I am tired.
- Today is a very weird day. By the end of it, I’m sure I won’t like it anymore. But right now, in just this second, I can find at least one thing to be grateful for. I could find more if I got another email. Although I feel I may never, and I will be back where I started.
- I don’t know how, but I still miss him. Maybe I always will.
- I am on the verge of making a new life. Teetering on the edge really. Just dipping my toe into the pool. Just one little breeze and I’m all in. Go on, I dare you…. push me.
- I’ve been looking for reasons to start over for months now. I am just starting to realize the only real reason is just for me. And I am ready in so many ways. All I need is a little help and I’m there. I will make this happen. I think.
Happy accident
Sometimes I truly believe that real life is far more amusing than anything I can make up. And so today, I offer you a true email exchange that has just happened to me. Word for word. Only names have been removed to protect the guilty.
It all started when I got an email from a complete stranger today. In it was a picture of two people I didn’t recognize… a guy and a girl. No text, no explanation. And clearly not meant for me as the people were complete strangers and the email address was unfamiliar. So I replied…
Me:
The guy in the picture is available if you’re interested.
Thanks
Me:
Now this is beautiful, making the best of a situation.[He] is an interesting guy, he has a steady job as a Carrier Coordinator, he is an accomplished musician and teaches the guitar, he is also a standup comedian. Quite a catch if you ask me.
What do you look like OneDateWonder, I think it only fair that you send a picture of yourself since you know what [he] looks like.
Me:
Fair is fair. Although I have no idea where you are, this is me. (I attached a picture to this email.)
Him:
Well, I’ll forward your information on to him and if he is interested, he’ll reach out to you.
Nice to meet you OneDateWonder.
Me:
Nice to meet you too. This is by far the most amusing thing that’s happened to me all day.
Now I recognize that is probably the last I’ll ever hear of that. But still, how funny? I know I’m still laughing.
Sneak Peek Into Me
So that guy? From the last entry? Is coming to visit tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow. And here, in no particular order, are the things I am currently worried about:
- I think I can smell my cat’s litterbox every time I walk into my apartment. Not good.
- What if he sees the mess on the bottom of my closet?
- Or the weird way I stash things in the kitchen?
- (Note to self: Now must clean kitchen and bottom of closet as these are no longer secrets. Argh.)
- I’m 31. My body just isn’t the same as it was 7 years ago. I have wrinkles, and spots, and saggy things. I looked in the mirror this morning and looked 31 to myself. That’s never happened before. Now is a really inopportune time for such a thing. Ugh.
- That cat litter thing is pissing me off enough to warrant two bullets. Seriously.
- Should I try to dig extra pillows out of the closet upstairs?
- I have weird moles now. I never used to have weird moles. I’m filing those away with the wrinkles and spots…. so unfair.
- I still honestly believe that guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Never mind that he already knows that. Just never mind, you know?
- What if this is actually what I’ve been waiting for? What if it isn’t?
- I need to go to the grocery store. I have the refrigerator of the bacheloriest of bachelors. It is actually a joke amongst my friends. Not lying.
- Must clean. Because…. CAT LITTER.
Just for the record, I’m not even fully awake yet. Just wait until later.
Filed under random | Comments (12)Random
It is just a random Saturday morning in my mind. Naturally, I’m inviting you all to visit for a bit.
- My cat threw up somewhere this morning. I heard her do it and have no idea where she was. I need to find that.
- Zombie guy and I still talk sometimes. He wants to be friends. Every time he IMs me, all I can think of is him naked. This is not good.
- I have been jonesing for a ginger mojito for at least a week now. If I don’t get one tonight, I’m quite possibly going to shrivel up and die.
- I need to lose weight, but am kind of unwilling to diet. I only need to lose a little. Think I can find a way to do this? (I know you’re going to tell me to exercise, I just know it.)
- I am still waffling about having Mr. Big move in with me. Part of me has some very compelling reasons why it is a terrible idea.
- I need to schedule a yearly check up for the cat. Why did that not occur to me when she was vomiting? That’s weird.
- For some reason I like to eat leftovers without reheating them. Of just about anything. I’m pretty sure this disgusts the majority of the population. Sorry about that.
- I should really buy the soundtrack to Rent. Why haven’t I done that before now?
See? My mind is a scary place to be.
Filed under Mr. Big, random, zombie guy | Comments (7)
