Please advise

You know, I was going to be all coy about this. But I’ve decided that I’m not coy about anything else and that’s not the point of having a cartoon character avatar anyway. So I’m just going to throw this on out there. And maybe you all can help me figure it out.

I like LC. In fact, I really like LC. So much so that the height thing has ceased to matter. I like spending time with him. In fact, I’d even like to spend more time with him than we have been up until now. I invited him to dinner with my friends on Sunday. And to something with me next week. And I suggested that maybe he should consider spending Thanksgiving with me.

I know, I know. It’s ok. I’ll give you a moment to pick yourself up off the floor after that last one.

But… there’s always a but, right? There is a problem. And in my mind, it’s a big problem. He uhhhh… can’t seem to seal the deal. If you know what I mean.

I mean, we’ve had a few overnights now. He is a cuddly sleeper by the way. I do like that. But once you slide between the sheets, and before the cuddly sleeping part…. you know. There are certain activities that are likely to occur. We are both attracted to each other. We are both kind of touchy feely folks. I’m in my 30s, and we’ve already discussed what that means. So, you know, there it is. And everything starts off quite lovely. Except, it doesn’t finish that way. In fact, it doesn’t really finish at all. It just ends rather abruptly. Sometimes with an excuse, sometimes not. But end it does, and not to mutual satisfaction. And it certainly isn’t for lack of trying on my part.

I have paid careful attention to what he likes, and try to make sure I exceed those needs. I have tried asking if there’s something he needs or that I could do differently. I have tried taking control and taking care of him that way.

So now we’re at an impasse. I have never been here. I am afraid to talk about it because that seems like it would just make matters worse. I am afraid to initiate anything for fear of putting undue pressure on LC. And I’m even more afraid that I will never be properly laid again.

So I like him. I like him a lot. But is there any chance this will ever right itself? Because I imagine this to be a complete deal breaker if it’s not a workable situation. And for once, I am in serious need of advice. Especially from the boys. Please.

When men are like green beans. Or not.

I have always approached dating with the philosophy that it isn’t like grocery shopping. Which is to say, you can’t stroll down the dating aisle with a list of qualifications in hand and pick the right mate off the shelf. People are not canned vegetables and it just doesn’t work this way. Instead it’s about meeting individuals, learning about them and how they fit with you, and making informed decisions based on what you can find out. You may have been shopping for french cut green beans, but find out the that kitchen cut kind are just perfect for your dinner too. You know?

While this is a good theory and one I still live by, it sometimes glosses over the fact that we all still have preferences. And while french cut versus kitchen cut may not be a big deal, you still wanted green beans after all, right? Or whatever, you get the point.

So what if during your stroll down dating aisle, you meet someone you mesh with. Things are good. But something is off…. one strong preference of yours is just not met in this man. Maybe he’s perfect except he doesn’t like to travel. Or maybe you get along really great but you just can’t get over how he dresses. Or maybe you have a blast together but he’s just too skinny or overweight. Sure, in the big picture it looks like these things should be surmountable obstacles… or are they?

At what point do we compromise, or not? What if he is overweight? Do you accept that? Do you hope he’ll lose the extra pounds? Or do you run for the hills? What if he turns into an obnoxious jerk when watching sports… every weekend? Do you set up a TV in a separate room and ignore it, or do you cut your losses and leave? What if he doesn’t dress nicely? Do you buy him a new shirt and tell him what to wear to meet your family, or do you simply give up?

Dear readers, when do you build a bridge and get over it? Or when is the chasm just too wide? This one date wonder wants to know what you think.

Does size really matter?

It is the age old question. Men ask, women hedge. No one can seem to answer and look directly in your eyes as they do. But We have all realized that there are very few limits on what I will share here. So I’m just going to say it. Yes. I DO prefer for a man to be taller than me. Now it’s out in the open.

What? What did you think I meant? Pervs.

Back to the subject at hand. This is very timely for me right now as I have recently been out with a man who is exactly my height. Now, let me be straight with you. I am not a tall woman. I’m definitely not a midget, nor do I get regularly mistaken for one of the wee folk. But I am not tall. And not being tall has served me well. I may need a step stool to get things out of my own kitchen cupboards, but at least 95% of the male population of the world is taller than me. That makes dating automatically easier than if I were say 4″ taller than I am. The point here is that being taller than me is no great feat. It’s common. And while I like my men to be on the tall side, I will usually settle for simply taller than me.

So it was with great trepidation that I accepted a date with a man who is exactly my height. He was totally up front about the height situation. There were no surprises and no exaggerations. He was exactly as advertised and right on eye level with me. Truthfully, I was kind of glad to sit down over a meal where the situation was less obvious.

Being on a date with a shorter dude is a study in ignoring the tiny elephant in the room. We did not talk about it. In fact, there was almost no mention of such things. Right up until I started avidly describing a situation in which I feel like a tiny little midget. Usually this tale is greeted with lots of laughter. Instead I got a weird look, an awkward silence, and a tiny “I know.” Ooops.

Still, I would like you to know I was open minded. We actually had a nice date and great conversation. I believe we may actually go out again. I suppose it’s a really good thing I don’t care for high heeled shoes very much.

But I would like to know, dear readers, what it comes to the issue of size…. I mean height… where do you stand?

There’s things I remember and things I forget

I remember the first would be anniversary that passed after each of my divorces. It was a wistful time where I thought over what had happened and maybe cried a little. It was a painful reminder of failure. and I knew, I just knew that that date would forever be a struggle for me. I would always remember.

Today when I woke up, it was Tuesday morning. My first day back to work this week. I was tired, getting out of bed was a struggle as always. I started thinking about what I needed to get done at work as I did my hair. It was the same as every other morning. I had the news on in the background and heard them announce the date and time. That stopped me for a moment…. the date was familiar. Was I supposed to do something today? I checked the calendar but there were no appointments or plans. Maybe it was a meeting at work? I decided to check that calendar too when I got into the office, then I pushed the nagging feeling aside and finished getting ready for work.

It wasn’t until I was in the car and halfway to work that I realized what it was. This was my would be wedding anniversary. As in, it would be if I were still married, which I’m not. (Now my anti-versary, according to GoodbyeGal.) It is the second time this date has passed since the divorce. Last year I reflected on the divorce and the angst and the pain. I knew I’d never forget. Except this year, I did just that.

I totally forgot. When I finally remembered, it didn’t even matter. I rolled it around in my mind and my heart and tried to feel something, but I didn’t. Nothing. Not love, not hate, not regret. No wistful memories or angry recollections. No bitterness. Just… nothing. And I wondered, is this normal?

Is it normal to forget? Does it eventually just blend into another day, a non-event? Is it possible that this day that was once the happiest day I’d ever known had turned into a nothing? Am I broken somehow because it no longer matters? Am I heartless? Or just forgetful? Or is it healthy that the significance and all related feelings are gone?

My mother always said the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. I pondered this for a while and then tried to think about the anti-versary of my first wedding. And I can’t even remember the date. Is this what it means to be over something?

Do you believe?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the chances we get in life, and specifically love. As someone who is twice divorced, this is a hot topic for me and one that I’ve thought about very differently over the years.

When I was young, I believed in one soulmate. That there was this one person out there who was your perfect match. The logistics of you never running into them never occurred to me. There was this soulmate and eventually I would meet him. We would just know, and we would hold on to each other. Then we would live out our lives like a Disney movie…. happily ever after. When I met my first husband, I believed he was it. We had the deep instant connection. He wasn’t afraid of being with me or committing to me. Everything was wonderful. Until I got divorced.

After that I was faced with the downfall of my belief system. After all, if this had been my one soulmate, then I was doomed right? But I was still young and full of hope. And so I chose to believe that I wasn’t doomed yet. But I was soured on the idea of a soulmate. I moved on to believing there were lots of people you could work with, you just had to find the right one. And my ever optimistic heart met husband number two and believed he was that right one. I believed we were going to make happiness and grow old together. Everything was wonderful. Until I got divorced again.

After that I was much less optimistic. At first I was determined to learn to stand on my own two feet. Having spent over a decade either married or in a serious relationship, I no longer knew how to be alone. In fact, I probably never knew. So I was going to learn. And that was my main focus. Gradually, I realized I had that part under control and the problem became that I no longer blindly believed there was someone out there for me. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure that I would ever find someone else to love. I was no longer confident that I wouldn’t die alone. I was no longer sure.

Experience has not served me well on that. Instead I am learning not to hope and not to believe. And while that may save me from short term heartbreak, sometimes I wonder at the long term implications of such a belief system. Once or twice I have even forced myself to abandon negativity, unfortunately only to be reminded of why I adopted those attitudes in the first place. And so I find myself in a somewhat jaded place and unsure of what to believe anymore. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve looked at love without conviction.

Since I’m not sure anymore, I’m wondering what all of you believe. Do you believe in soulmates? In love at first sight? In things being meant to be? Do you have conviction that there is someone out there for everyone? That we will find these people? Or have you given up? Are you unsure too? What do you believe?

What’s your dating super power?

I have a dating super power, oh yes I do! I am not able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I am not a bird nor a plane. I do not save babies from fires and kittens from trees. No no, I am simply known as The Next To Last Woman You Ever Dated! (TNTLWYED to you, mister.)

Well okay, so the title is a little lame. But quite accurate at least.

TNTLWYED is a lonely woman, as so many super heroes are. She leads a life of solitude and singledom, doomed to stay that way forever due to her magnificent powers. Yes TNTLWYED possesses awesome powers, but her power is also her downfall. So she lives a solitary life in a one bedroom apartment with just her cat for company.

What are these magnificent powers, you might ask? Well I shall tell you! TNTLWYED is indeed the next to last woman you ever dated! (What? I said it was a lame title. But accurate.) While you may have been happy and she may have been an excellent girlfriend, you did not know true love until you left her and found…… The One. Dating TNTLWYED is a guarantee that you will someday soon be happy. Just never with her. You will try, but eventually things will end. Sad, but true. But grieve not! Because the next woman you date will be perfect for you in every way! You will connect instantly and know you were meant for each other! You will actually live happily forever after! And TNTLWYED will disappear, melting in the darkness of her solitary abode, her job well done.

She will then go on to write bitter blog entries about how guys always find their perfect match just after breaking up with her. But you won’t ever notice. You will be deliriously happy. Such is the might of her dating super powers.

I didn’t say it had to be a cool super power, now did I?

How about you guys… what’s your dating super power?

Theory

Dating is hard. You know it is. Negotiating a tricky social situation with someone you may not know at all is simply difficult. It’s just uncomfortable to go and spend time with a stranger with expectations and hopes and feelings all raw and in the open. It’s unnatural and often painful. It’s just hard.

And what fascinates me about the process is that people constantly strive to make it even more difficult. One person will tell you to make immediate contact after a date, another will tell you to wait three days, still another will tell you you shouldn’t make contact at all but should wait to be chased. What is the right thing to do? Which rule is hard and fast? What should we all be following?

The bottom line is that everyone and every situation is different. So why on earth don’t we allow for that? Why don’t we do what is right at the time? Why do we insist on creating rules and regulations that in the end only frustrate most of us?

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of advice about men “liking the chase”. I should sit back and wait. My inherent air of mystery will bring them running. They will chase the unknown. And if they don’t, they’re just not that into me. And to some extent, I will admit there is wisdom hidden in there. Many men do like to pursue. And if they simply won’t, it can be a sign.

But the wisdom fails as well. Many men do not. And what about when they catch you? Because the goal of dating is not to dangle yourself out of reach for eternity. It is, presumably, to be caught. Will your man instantly leave then? Will they lose interest? Do you really want someone who can’t be bothered once they have your full attention?

And what about the fact that these generalities do not cover all situations? Each person is different. They have different needs, see things in different ways, want different things. There is no one blanket they all fit under. No one stereotype that will always apply. We can joke about typical men or typical women, but at the end of the day we don’t all fit the mold. And someone is getting very pissed at repeated attempts to be shoved in there.

If a man tells you up front that he will disappear if you don’t show some interest, do you honestly believe sitting back and making him chase you will work? Similarly if a woman tells you she will say exactly what she means, do you think constantly reading hidden meaning into her words is going to help you understand her?

The point is that dating is hard enough. The pressures, the fears, the hopes, the failures…. we’ve all been there. And as we get older it gets harder. Dating at every age has new challenges. So why do we, as single people, insist on making it more difficult? Why do we not just pay a little attention? Why not pay attention to what people say and try to meet them on common ground? Why do we not communicate with a little honesty so we can understand? Why not just listen?

If all men or women were the same, then it wouldn’t matter who we end up with. But we do not all come from the same cookie cutter, or even the same batch of dough.

PS - PP called. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, interested. And he would have called sooner had he not been working until quite late every night. He knows how early I get up and didn’t want to wake me. I already knew most of that, which is why I practiced a little patience. I

A question for you

Sometimes what a gal really needs is a fresh take on things. Even a jaded One Date Wonder such as myself can still accept advice and try new tricks. So gentle readers, here is the question I’m posing to you:

Aside from online dating, how do you meet new prospects?

Now admittedly, I’d like to meet men. Meeting the ladies will not help me very much. So women, where are you finding them? And men, where are you trying to be found?

Do tell.

What’s in a name?

What is it about the word “relationship” that seems to make people behave so stupidly? I mean honestly, you can have two people behaving for all the world like they are a bona fide couple, but if you throw the R word in there, one of both of them starts behaving like a crazed monkey. Why does one little word panic us so much?

We have relationships with friends and relationships with family. We have relationships with co-workers. But if I even suggest for one second that I’m having a relationship with Mr.Big, I fear his head would start rotating 360 degrees as he ran comically for the nearest exit. (Which would then be changing constantly because of the aforementioned head rotation. Actually I have to admit, this makes me laugh a little. Almost worth trying it just to see!)

Here’s my point. Mr.Big and I are obviously doing the deed. He stated up front from the very beginning that while that would be reserved for me and only me, he didn’t want to be tied down emotionally. Which meant he wanted the freedom to date around while keeping it in his pants. Those were the up front terms of our agreement. And so it went.

Except shortly after we sealed that deal, he yanked down his online dating profile. He stopped trying to meet people all together. And by his own admission, he has not been on a date with anyone but me since he met me. He is not dating anyone else and is not really interested in doing so. (Although to be fair, per the terms of our agreement, he could start again at any time.) And he very clearly says that he will be with me for as long as I want this arrangement. But, you know, we’re not in a relationship.

So, the real question for me is…. what exactly defines a relationship in that case? He cares about me, we talk all the time, we see each other frequently, we sleep together, and we go out sometimes too. Neither one of us is seeing anyone else, and there is an expectation of longevity. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….. you get the point. What is that if not a relationship?

Do you think it’s possible that the label is more frightening than the thing itself? That maybe some of us are attaching unrealistic baggage to the terminology here? Or is there something else entirely that defines a relationship and I am simply unaware of it? Talk to me.

Blind Dating

Well this brings new meaning to the term “blind date”. My newest eHarmony match is almost completely blind. I don’t even know what to do with that information. Am I a total cow because I feel like it makes a difference? (Probably so.)

I already had some reservations about the match and now I’m completely paralyzed over it. Gentle readers, what would you do if your blind date was…. well…. exactly that?