It’s a small world after all

Any experienced One Date Wonder has experienced a certain shrinking of the dating pool at some point. Especially online. Suddenly someone you’ve already rejected comes back asking for date like they’ve never seen you. You start to recognize folks from other places. Or, most notably in my case, a man you had a one night stand one date with starts to recommend you to his friends. That’s right, my past indiscretions are coming back to haunt me.

Now to be fair the one night stand date in question is actually a pretty thoughtful guy. He was as respectful as a one night stand fellow one date wonder can be. And I don’t get some creepy lying vibe off of him. In fact, the only reason we did not continue on to see each other again was that it came out he was only looking for sex something casual while I wanted something more. We parted ways amicably after I explained that I wasn’t going to be able to give him what he was after.

So imagine my surprise when several months later I see him on a dating site where I’ve never seen him before. You can cue the singing of “It’s a Small World” here folks. I thought it was kind of funny actually, and was entirely unable to stop myself from emailing him to share my humor. I may have restrained myself had I not known he had already seen me. But I did know that. So off I went emailing and snickering along my merry way.

What happened next was a rather fun email exchange… very light hearted, easy going, reminding me of how easily we got along the one time we did go out. I asked him if he had changed what he was looking for. He said he had no idea what he was looking for. So I promptly decided that he was being shifted into the friend zone and firmly told him so. No reason to repeat a one night stand one date wonder, right? And that’s when it happened. He recommended that I check out his friend.

And that, my dear friends, is when you know your dating pool has shrunk a little too far. When your one night stand recommends his friend as relationship material.

(For the record, he has promised not to admit how we met. Which means, of course, that I am dumb enough to allow the set up. You knew I would, right? It’s all in the name of entertainment, dear readers. I do it for you.)

Should you?

Unfortunately for this poor dude, the line probably would have worked if it had come from someone I would actually consider dating. And yet it didn’t. So this line:

I should wish to have such a lovely smile as yourself.

Illicits this response:

Then why don’t you?

No, I won’t write back to tell him that. But oh the temptation.

Bad Pickup Line

Here’s one for the DON’T list. Imagine seeing a profile on an online dating site. And imagine you thought you might like to meet that person. Then imagine sending the following email.

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutie pie like you!

You can’t imagine it can you? Why? Because it’s stupid. And it won’t get you a date. It will only get you deleted.

PS - Lack of greeting or signature and random capitalization only add to the lack of charm.

The Aftermath

After the incident with the virgin, he got pretty mad at me. There were some pointed comments about me not being willing to “get over it”. Then there was a rather nasty email exchange. Finally I got tired and I called him on it. Normally not something I would do, but telling a guy I wouldn’t date him because he’s a virgin is also considerably outside my comfort zone. A fact which I pointed out to him, by the way.

What I got was a rather unexpected and abject apology. I was surprised, I thanked him for it, and I figured that was the end of that. I deleted him from my IM contact list and moved on. Until the next day when he started talking to me again.

At this point, since he was clear that I only wanted to be friends, that seemd to be harmless. And, tonight when I got so bored I could climb the walls, he suggested a movie. And so it was that after psuedo-dumping a guy, I met him anyway.

By the way? The reasons for his virginity are clear upon meeting him. Very nice guy with a very nice voice in a very socially awkward package.

I suck. I totally called and bailed on the date and left a very nice, very confused virgin wondering what the hell happened. I am a bad person. Oooof.

UPDATE: Ok, I leveled with him. I don’t know if that makes this tale better or worse but I told him the truth. I’m pretty sure he hates me, which is a freaking shame because he seemed to be a great guy. But I knew I couldn’t handle the responsibility of that relationship and I know he very much is looking for a romantic relationship and not a new friend. I’d like to imagine I did the right thing.

I suck. I totally called and bailed on the date and left a very nice, very confused virgin wondering what the hell happened. I am a bad person. Oooof.

UPDATE: Ok, I leveled with him. I don’t know if that makes this tale better or worse but I told him the truth. I’m pretty sure he hates me, which is a freaking shame because he seemed to be a great guy. But I knew I couldn’t handle the responsibility of that relationship and I know he very much is looking for a romantic relationship and not a new friend. I’d like to imagine I did the right thing.

Karma

Karma is a nasty little mistress, isn’t she? I fear she has come after me and nipped me soundly in the behind this time. And there is just no way for me to get out of it. I am now going to pay full price for my laugh at the Tragic Sundae. Oh yes, yes I am.

Here’s the story. I like geek guys. I like them a lot. I don’t care what you think of me, I think they are instantly hotter and they win points with me. Now I do of course have limits. We must be looking at the reasonable geeks here. But still, geek guys do it for me.

So when this relatively sane looking geek guy started emailing with me, I was kind of interested. He’s 28, lives nearby, and is well spoken. He got quickly to the business of exchanging phone numbers, then asking me out. He took the proper initiative. And he has a very lovely very deep voice. He’s even tall. If this guy is even reasonably attractive, I’m thinking he is my type and then some. So when he called me last night, we made a coffee date for tonight right at the beginning of the conversation. Then we proceeded to chat for close to 2 hours.

And it was around the hour and a half mark that he revealed he’s a virgin. That’s right, gentle readers. I have accidentally made a coffee date with a 28 year old virgin. Karma is kind of a bitch.

Whipped Cream on my Tragic Sundae

I logged onto the site with my stealthy, top secret, invisible, no profile account again this afternoon. I hadn’t logged on for a while so all my preferences had been wiped, including the one where the instant messenger defaulted to being off. I didn’t notice. In a matter of minutes, our old friend Tragic Sundae had IMed me. I rejected it and turned the messenger off. Then, to ease his tragedy a little, I dashed him a note saying it shouldn’t have been on and didn’t work with my computer. (A truth, actually.)

Tragic Sundae is persistent. He emailed back right away to ask if I’d call him if he gave me his phone number. Now remember, I’ve already told him I’m not trying to meet people here. And yet, he tragically persists. I could see a heavier hand was necessary. Here’s my reply:

I think maybe I wasn’t direct enough with you before. I did want to help you, and I hope something good came of that.

But the reason my profile isn’t filled out is because I’m not looking to meet people. So no, I won’t call. It’s not about you, I’m just not looking for anything here.

Poor little Tragic Sundae with his cherry on top. I hope he goes away now and does not start to melt on my fabulous shoes.

A Tragedy

Every good One Date Wonder has a few sneaky tricks up her sleeve. In my case, more than a few really. I have some big sleeves, ok? Anyway, I usually wouldn’t give them away to the entire internets, but his is just too good of a story to pass up. So here is just one of my little tricks: I have a secret account on OKCupid that I use to scope people out without them knowing I’m doing it. Sounds juvenile, but it has serious benefits. I can browse anonymously. I can look at people I know. And no one ever has to know I’m doing it.

Due to the top secret nature of said account, the profile isn’t filled in and no one ever messages it. Or no one did, until last week. I already knew there must have been some desperation involved as this person had sent a message to someone who had zero personal information of any kind, no basic stats, and no picture. I’m not even sure how he found the profile, to be honest. But whatever, he did. The message was a little sad but being the sick voyeur I am, I went to look at the profile.

It was even sadder. He is 36, tragically short, and whines throughout the entire profile about how no one ever answers him. It was revolting. And then for the cherry on our little tragic sundae, he announces that he’s a virgin. A short, whiny, lonely, 36 year old virgin. And we wonder why no one responds?

At first I just laughed. Okay, I’m mean. I actually went back a few times to laugh. It was sort of funny, you know? Then I thought, maybe he really doesn’t know. I mean, he can’t help being short. And depending on beliefs (and availability) he can’t really just run out and lose his virginity. But he can stop the incessant whining, and not announce the lack of experience up front. He’d be a little less pathetic then, you know? Of course you know. Apparently everyone knew but him!

So…. I told him. Yep. I wrote back and told him. I sweetly announced that I was going to try to help out and I told him how unattractive the desperation was and how perhaps he should not declare his virginity right up in the front like that. I almost regretted it when I hit send, but then…. well…. I didn’t. Didn’t regret it, that is. I totally hit send.

He, of course, wrote back. He actually accepted the constructive criticism and changed his profile up according to my suggestions. Don’t misunderstand me, I still find it to be a rather tragic sundae. But at least it lacks whipped cream and a cherry on top, you know? I mean someone less savvy than myself might be fooled. Not you, dear reader. Of course not you. But, you know, someone. Anyway, he wrote back to say he had taken all the suggestions and then took a shot at me by pointing out that the advice was a bit rich coming from someone who hadn’t bothered to fill out their own profile. I almost let it go, but I figured I would nip the whole thing in the bud right there. I told him I wasn’t looking for responses. Different goals call for different tactics.

I figured that would be it. He had gotten his helpful advice and I had clearly just told him I didn’t want responses. But no. Of course not. The tragedy continued. Next I got an email saying that was a fair enough assessment… and asking me about my hobbies. That’s right, the short whiny virgin was trying to chat me up. After I specifically said I was not interested in anything. I think I can actually smell the desperation from here.

I have not answered. I think I just will not. I have made the dating site a little bit better and perhaps taught a tragic little man a bit about how to write a profile. Or perhaps not. But I’m not sticking around to find out.

He said/She said

Here is the gist of an actual exchange, with some questionable grammar and terrible attempts at humor (his, not mine) removed.

Boy: Want to meet at a comedy club in DC sometime?

Girl: I don’t really drive into DC at all. Do you have any ideas for activities outside of DC?

Boy: Oh I don’t drive, I take the metro.

Girl: …

Need I tell you I never emailed again? I realize I used the word “drive”, but I also carefully asked if we could plan an activity not in DC. (I deliberately left that open for him so he could have the freedom to choose something else he might enjoy.) He absolutely refuses to acknowledge that. Therefore I absolutely refuse to go out with him.

Moral of the story: Attempting to bend someone to your will when trying to arrange a first date will result in no date at all.