If it sounds to good to be true…
…it usually is.
Apparently what Mr. Big meant to say last night was “I don’t want anything to change right now, but I haven’t ruled out the possibility of a relationship in the future”. Which, to me, has vague undertones of “don’t leave me just yet, ok?”.
So, you know, false alarm. Nothing to see here. Move along folks.
Filed under Mr. Big, tales of woe | Comments (5)Stop the presses!
Mr. Big has just spent the last hour discussing not only being in a relationship with me but the possibility of moving in together. I am floored.
We tabled the discussion eventually with a promise to discuss more tomorrow. I am very very cautious about this. It seems fragile. I am not forming opinions at the moment… just waiting to see how the discussion goes. I will tiptoe around this carefully. But I will let you know.
Filed under Mr. Big | Comment (1)What’s in a name?
What is it about the word “relationship” that seems to make people behave so stupidly? I mean honestly, you can have two people behaving for all the world like they are a bona fide couple, but if you throw the R word in there, one of both of them starts behaving like a crazed monkey. Why does one little word panic us so much?
We have relationships with friends and relationships with family. We have relationships with co-workers. But if I even suggest for one second that I’m having a relationship with Mr.Big, I fear his head would start rotating 360 degrees as he ran comically for the nearest exit. (Which would then be changing constantly because of the aforementioned head rotation. Actually I have to admit, this makes me laugh a little. Almost worth trying it just to see!)
Here’s my point. Mr.Big and I are obviously doing the deed. He stated up front from the very beginning that while that would be reserved for me and only me, he didn’t want to be tied down emotionally. Which meant he wanted the freedom to date around while keeping it in his pants. Those were the up front terms of our agreement. And so it went.
Except shortly after we sealed that deal, he yanked down his online dating profile. He stopped trying to meet people all together. And by his own admission, he has not been on a date with anyone but me since he met me. He is not dating anyone else and is not really interested in doing so. (Although to be fair, per the terms of our agreement, he could start again at any time.) And he very clearly says that he will be with me for as long as I want this arrangement. But, you know, we’re not in a relationship.
So, the real question for me is…. what exactly defines a relationship in that case? He cares about me, we talk all the time, we see each other frequently, we sleep together, and we go out sometimes too. Neither one of us is seeing anyone else, and there is an expectation of longevity. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….. you get the point. What is that if not a relationship?
Do you think it’s possible that the label is more frightening than the thing itself? That maybe some of us are attaching unrealistic baggage to the terminology here? Or is there something else entirely that defines a relationship and I am simply unaware of it? Talk to me.
Filed under Mr. Big, question | Comments (5)We were on a break!
On Monday, I told Mr.Big I needed a break. This kind of conversation is always interesting with him because invariably a few things happen. First, he wants to know if I’m replacing him with someone else. Now, since we’re not actually dating, he means in the bedroom. I told him no, I just needed some time off.
Next he wants to know if I need to talk. Of course I need to talk. I’m all messed up in the head because boys are weird. But somehow I’m thinking Mr.Big is not exactly the right outlet for my frustrations. I am almost painfully honest with him always, and this is no exception. I tell him I don’t want to talk to him about this. He presses one notch further. And let me qualify that by saying that he doesn’t press because he’s nosey. And he doesn’t press for gossip. He presses because somewhere in his anti-relationship head, he truly cares on some level. Maybe not the level I wish he did (Okay who am I kidding? Definitely not.), but he cares. In his own way. So he presses by reminding me that he cares about me and I can talk to him. And I reiterate that there are some things I simply cannot discuss with him and this is falling into that category.
Mr.Big is many things, for sure. But stupid has never been one of them. With that he stops pushing and changes the subject completely. What he does not do, and what I now do not have the heart to ask him to do, is go away.
Tuesday comes and he emails me. I vent about work, he presses for more information. I dodge. He presses again asking simply if I’m giving him a stock answer to make him go away. I tell him no and we talk about it. As always, he exhibits a great amount of intelligence and care and gives thoughtful advice. I apologize for my slightly crazed dumping on him. He tells me if that is my idea of slightly crazed, then I should go give lessons to other women as it was nothing at all. And again, I wonder why I am not good enough for a relationship. But I do not press. I don’t even mention it. I let the email thread drop and go about my life, thinking my break is coming.
But no. It’s like in telling him I was pulling away a bit, he pulls closer to make sure I’m not leaving. Every time he feels me slip, he dances in. With attention, and dates, and caring. Last month when I he did it was dazzled. I pulled him closer and pretended it meant something.
But it doesn’t. It means nothing. It merely means he likes my body and the bedroom antics are good. It means he’s getting some regularly and he doesn’t want it to go away. I mean, sure he cares. I’m not an empty shell to him. But him pulling closer will never make me his girlfriend. It will ever let me into his apartment, or out to meet his friends, or casually mentioned by name in a conversation with his family. It will never make me anything more than I am right now. Which is fun, but will never go any further than this.
Today I needed to write that out to reinforce it. I can’t afford to get more stars in my eyes over this. It will never be anything more. Not ever. I know that. So why does writing it out like that feel so bad?
Filed under Mr. Big, tales of woe | Comments (10)Dilemma of the Undead
Well, I figure I owe you all an update. The truth is, I’ve been avoiding this because I don’t know what to say. My redheaded zombie guy was a great date. We went out to a nice place in the city where he made sure I had a place to park. It was BYOB so he brought a nice bottle of wine to go with the meal. He totally picked up the check.
After we left there, we went to his part of town (where he again had a lot for me to park in) and sat in his local bar for a while. Despite all the crazy noise and other distractions, he held my hand and talked to me while we nursed our beers. We went out into the street for a walk, and he kissed me. Not only did he buy dinner, the wine, and then the beer… but he was a rather fabulous kisser. You know how kissing is not all about the mouth mechanics, right? (Hint… it’s totally not.) He knew too. His hands were cupping my face, his fingers running through my hair…. yeah. It was hot. All of this on the side streets in the city. I hardly knew what to do.
Here’s the thing. He’s a hipster kind of dude. You know the type. A software developer for a startup in town. Living in an old townhouse with two other guys. A mattress on the floor kind of dude. He doesn’t do well with rules and wears Buddy Holly glasses. He has a soul patch. He’s an atheist and a vegetarian. I am a yuppie sort of girl. I have an upscale brand new apartment. Everything in my place is decorated just so. I have cleaning people. I have a job with a huge entity in IT. I drive everywhere. I was raised in the suburbs. I eat meat and believe in god.
He always has me feeling slightly off balance. Just ever so slightly confused. Not completely sure if he’s really into me. Then he’ll say something sweet, or hold me, or tangle his hands in my hair again and I forget about it. I’ve been out of town this week and he’s called me every night. And we’ve only really been on two dates.
Normally I’d shrug it off and keep on going. But, you see, there’s the (not so) tiny matter of Mr.Big. Right. Oh shit. That right there is another post entirely.
Filed under Mr. Big, okc, tales of woe, zombie guy | Comments (3)Two to Tango
Seeing Mr.Big is like doing a little dance all the time. He pulls in close and then two-steps away before I can even catch my breath. One moment I feel like the only woman in the world, the next he has just finished telling me how he never trusts anyone…. me included.
Lately, he’s taken to calling me “babe” in text messages. Some women may object based on a pig by the same name, but not me. I see that he is using a term of endearment which means something right? Or not. You know the drill.
Recently, Mr.Big revealed to me that he has not been on a single date since ours. I am the only woman he’s seeing and he doesn’t seem to be fast to change that. He has told me point blank that he is in our little arrangement for the long haul. He has said that if anyone has cause for concern, it is him. He has said that he is worried I will be done with him long before he is done with me. He has said we have an unlimited future together. And he has reiterated that I have exclusive access to him.
But a relationship it’s not. He does not trust me to know where exactly his apartment is. He does not mention me to his friends or family, let alone allow me to meet a single one of them. I am the only woman in his life, but he keeps me tucked away in a place just for the two of us.
Then he tells me he cares about me. He tells me he really enjoys my comapny, and not just when there is naked involved. He tells me he will do things I ask to keep me comfortable and make me stay.
He dances in, just like he is right now. And gentle readers, I am foolish. I am falling for it. I am falling for him. And mark my words, this will be a train wreck. But I am powerless to stop it.
Filed under Mr. Big, tales of woe | Comment (1)Mr. Big
Mr. Big and I have…. an arrangement. It is mutually beneficial, totally great, and exactly not what I want all at once. We sleep together. A lot. Just with each other. We don’t sleep with anyone else, just each other. But we’re not in a relationship.
We see each other as many days out of the week as we can manage. We still go out to eat, cuddle, and do other things. But there’s also a lot of the sex. But we’re not in a relationship.
We like each other a lot. And the sex is seriously hot. But we are not in a relationship.
Mr. Big does not want “to be trapped”. So we date other people and have no real committment to each other. Well, other than the monogamy thing that is. Because, you see, we are not in a relationship.
And, of course, he is the only man I’ve met in a year who I would totally have a relationship with.
Filed under Mr. Big, tales of woe | Comment (0)
