Public Service Announcement

So I’ve been grappling over posting this for the last few days. Ever since I found out quite frankly. But I have written the tough stuff before and so I decided to write this as well. Hopefully someone can learn something from me putting this here.

I am a careful girl. I visit my girly doctor and have my lady parts checked out every year like clockwork. I even get tested above and beyond that. I use birth control and protection. And if I choose not to use protection, I make sure there is an honest conversation about the safety of that decision. I never choose to go without birth control. I monitor my own health and call someone if something is odd. You get the picture. I take care of myself.

So it came as a total surprise when this year, after said lady part examination, I got a letter from the doctor.  Letters from the girly doctor are never good. If everything is okay, they don’t bother to talk to you again until next year. Letters only come when something isn’t okay.

So here’s the bottom line: I am HPV positive. Don’t panic it says. Everything else is normal, it says. But, you know, except for the HPV thing.

Here’s some fun information. HPV won’t show on any STD screenings. (In fact, it’s an infection, not a disease.) In men, there is flat out no way to detect it reliably. In women it can only be caught with your regular exam and only if your girly doctor screens for it which all of them don’t. Even those who do may only screen certain age groups. It’s not something they will immediately treat. It is something 50% of Americans have. There are 100s of kinds and no quick and easy way to tell which you have in most cases.

I have been in the age group for a while. My girly doctor just found it this year. That narrows my field for who could have passed that little gem on. To two people really… Big and LC. Furthermore, based on timing and general riskiness, all signs point to Big. Unfortunately, I can’t say for sure that’s the source. HPV can be latent for a period of time. People can get it and not present with symptoms. There is no way to be sure.

Of course, I had to tell them both. I told Big I thought he was the source. I also told him regardless of who the source was, he and all of his partners are now at risk. For him, it means not much. There are minimal risks for men. For them, it means a lot.

I don’t know if the HPV I have is low risk (may not do any damage at all) or high risk (may cause cancer). I don’t know if I have more than one kind. I don’t know how long I’ll have it. I don’t know if LC is infected now. I may never know these answers. Or I may find some of them out with time. But time is basically the only way to tell.

Here’s the PSA part of today’s program. The vaccine for HPV came out too late to help me. I was already too old. But it’s not too late to help our daughters. We can ensure they never have to go through what I’m going through right now. They don’t have to find this out and wonder. They don’t have to feel dirty. They don’t have to be at risk for cancer. Spare them from this and get them vaccinated. Give them one less thing to worry about in life.

Back to me. All I know right now is that I am HPV positive. I will have to tell doctors about this until I die. And I will have to ensure I am screened at least yearly for at least as long as it takes to go away.

And  based on general symptoms and stuff, I am 95% certain this is the only thing Big ever gave me. He needs to shop at better stores.

Stranger than fiction

It all started with an email. An email from Big. Two days ago he wrote to say he hoped a milestone in my life went well for me. Of course, true to form, he was over a week late which he knew. Why he chose to write one week and one day later is beyond me. It will always be beyond me. But he did. He sent an email.

Things went downhill from there. Despite all rational logic to the contrary, I wrote back.  I just wanted him to know how well I’m doing. That he didn’t break me. That I found something better than we’d ever had. I know it’s petty, but there it is. The best revenge is living well, and I wanted him to know I had that.

So I told him about LC and I moving in together. That I was moving out of my beloved single girl pad. He knows this is something I never would have done for him. I wanted him to understand how good things are. How well it’s working out. Maybe I even wanted him to hurt just a little since it seemed he never did. Whatever, so I told him. And of, course, he wrote back again.

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And in the afternoon

He asked me not to run from him anymore. He asked me to talk things over, said we could work it out. Said he wanted me to stay. He was supposed to help me stay.

Until this afternoon when he ended it.  He said I wanted more than he had to offer. And in the end, that’s probably true.

And so a year and a half almost to the day from when we met, we are over. I didn’t see that coming in the light of this morning. Didn’t see it coming at all.

It does not bother me to say, “This isn’t love…”
Cause if you don’t want to talk about it
Then, it isn’t love
And I guess I’m gonna have to live with that
But I’m sure there’s something in a shade of gray
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name, if that’s what you mean

- “Anna Begins” by Counting Crows

In the light of morning

In the light of morning, I feel like I should explain a few things. Please don’t take this to mean I am any happier or more at peace. I’m not. In fact, I feel physically ill. Still, this bears saying.

I’ve known Big for a year and a half. We have been together in various forms for that long. During that time, I’ve often been less than happy with how things were. I have rarely told him so. Early on in our past, I told him I wouldn’t try to change him. I pledged to take everything he said at face value and only try to regulate my own reactions and actions. So, for instance, last summer and fall when I so deperately wanted more from him, I never said so. Instead I worked very hard to convince myself that every sign he may have wanted more was a trick of my imagination. I told myself over and over that he’d never want me. I wrote it all here. But I never asked him, talked to him, or gave him the benefit of the doubt. Not once.

What you see, what you read, what you know… it comes from where I am.  For better or for worse, that’s the nature of this kind of writing. You know what I choose to show you. And most of what I show you is internal. So what you know of Big, it’s colored by my issues, our miscommunications, and everything I’ve bottled up for so long.

I’m trying to be better.

Last night I told Big things have to change if we’re going to make it. What I didn’t tell you is that he agreed. I said we have to spend more time together. He agreed. I said I can’t do things the way we have been and we won’t make it without that change. He said everything will be okay.

What you see here is my fundamental belief that nothing will ever truly be okay. But that’s not so much about Big as it is about me. I know it, but maybe you don’t. So I figured it bears saying out loud.  Many of you have developed very unflattering images of what Big is. But those are built on my own hurt. And that hurt hasn’t always been his fault. I am to blame too. For not speaking up when I should have. For not telling him what I need. For convincing myself he will never care enough. For telling myself it’ll never work. For doing those things instead of opening up and letting him in. I am as much to blame, if not more.

Yes, I feel like everything has been on his terms since I met him. Yes, I am resentful. No, I have never been clear about that with him. So in some ways, it’s not fair for me to get angry since I never told him it was a problem in the first place. (And yes, in some ways he simply should have known better.) My point is that he’s not a villain. He’s not perfect, but he’s also not a complete ass.

The move to a new apartment was not about me. Our time was a perk but it wasn’t the reason. And that was at my request. So the move back, it shouldn’t be about me either. He hated the apartment, hands down. It wasn’t aimed at me.

And yet, we all know it hit me. We all know how I feel. And yes, Big knows too. Today I am going to try to open up more with him. I’m going to try to tell him why I’m hurting. I am going to try to get concrete solutions to these issues. I’m going to ask for the change I need. And I’m terrified, but I’m going to do my best here. I don’t know what will happen. As always, I assume the worst. So what I really need is for you to hope for the best. Because I’m a little too broken to manage that right now.

Thanks for understanding.

Reverse

That’ll teach me to believe. He moved back. No really, you read it right. He. Moved. Back.

I told him I can’t do things the way we were before.  We need to spend more time together, and if that means he always has to be over here, so be it. It’s a dealbreaker and he’s aware. He says it’ll be ok. He says he’ll reassure me, and comfort me, and spend more time with me.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go cry. I knew this would happen, but that doesn’t make it any easier. And I don’t have anything to comfort me right now. And I’m scared.

Moving on up

I have been waiting for this day for over two weeks now. I carefully said nothing here. The news was so good, so anticipated, that I was afraid of it. I was afraid the moment I typed these words, the entire thing would fall through. I was afraid that by making it real here, I would jinx it. I didn’t want to have to answer questions or shed public tears if it fell through. I didn’t want to get too excited and then get hurt. I was just scared.

But today it happened. I helped Big move into a new apartment all his own. I am inside it now typing this entry. I will be spending the night tonight. We have been together since 10:30 this morning and will be together still at 10:30 tomorrow morning. For the first time in the year and a half that I’ve known him, we are in his apartment together. We will be having regular overnights together. We are doing real things together. We are together.

You can see why I waited. You can see why this was so huge. This is a new phase in what we are to each other and where we are going together. This is a new chapter for us. This has been a long time coming and we’ve been working towards it for close to a month now. But I waited until I was sure to say it here.

I’m sure. I’m sitting in Big’s living room and I’m sure. And I’m happy.

Big Things – Part 2

Where there is a part one, there is always a part two.  I’m going to start this part two by telling you a story.

Last July a very wise friend became concerned about me. We chatted all the time and she listened to my stories, particularly those about my Mr. Big. There was a lot I never said about that situation, but my dear friend read right between the lines and caught me in the act. “You realize you’re in love with him, right?” she asked me that day. And I told her that yes, I was very aware of the fact. But I never said it here because saying it (or typing it) out loud would make it that much more real. Instead I held that fact close. A secret just for me, and then me and my friend to share. A silent truth I let myself imagine people weren’t noticing.

So there it is. I love Big. And I have, for quite some time.

You can only imagine how this complicated my life when he came back. I cut him off because I loved him and I just knew he would never love me in return. That I was never to be that kind of girl for him. That we did not have that kind of future.

Except when Big came back in January, he told me he loved me.

That’s right, I was wrong. I was wrong all along. He did love me, and he was holding on to me. In fact, upon further reflection, it became blindingly obvious that he had been trying to tell me for months. I had kept brushing him off resolutely, determined that I would never be his. And he kept searching for a better time to tell me the truth. That he loved me.

Until I said “No more.” and cut it off. Then he couldn’t say it anymore. He couldn’t tell me. I had cut off every avenue of communication. I was gone. I was determined to make a go of it with LC. But unfortunately, love is not so easily cut off.

So there we were, dumbfounded by each other. All along we had each been what the other craved but didn’t know was there. He knew about LC, and so where did we go from there?

From there we went to here. Here where I am not with LC. Here where I am still in love with Big. And here where he is also in love with me. Here we are, suddenly in the same place at the same time. Suddenly with each other and only each other.

We are here.

Big Things

Alright, now just hold your fire out there, okay? I’m going to be a little honest here. It’s not easy as I’ve hauled off and broken my own rules. But, you know, no one’s perfect. And so it goes.

I’d attempt to explain the exact chain of events that led to this, but it’s a little twisty. Just trust me when I say that Big did not contact me. A website fired off a notification email for something no one meant to have done in the first place. It festered with me as much of this situation has been for 2 weeks now. And I found myself unable to leave it alone. Even though when I went to look, the reason for the notification didn’t exist. Even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I sent him an email. A one word email. It simply said “Why?”

At first he just apologized and tried to duck back out. But like a scab I couldn’t stop picking now. I picked at him one more time. And everything came tumbling out.

Let me explain something here. All of you may not understand this, but you’re just going to have to trust me a little on this one. Despite all the messy naked stuff and feelings and all, Big and I have been good friends this past year. We shared a lot, we leaned on each other a lot. And maybe I didn’t realize how much I would miss that too when I pulled everything back from him. Over the past two weeks there have been a dozen things I wanted to tell him. Stupid things, little day to day things. I wanted to tell him I finally got my stereo rigged up right, and ask him how to disable a hardwired smoke alarm without damaging things. I wanted to see if his friend liked the book he got her for Christmas. I wanted to tell him funny things about my co-workers and see how his job was going. I didn’t want to leap naked on him (Well maybe I did. But I really did know I wouldn’t.) but I missed the rest too.

As it turns out, I was not the only one. And he was hurting from missing me as much as I was hurting from missing him. Because if we were nothing else, we were always friends. Always. From the very beginning.

A lot of other things were said too. Things I am not going to tell you here. Not bad things. Just things. But the end result is this… I don’t want to lose my friend and neither does he. So we called a truce. A fully clothed, pants on truce. A totally DTM-violating truce.

And so it was that Big became the first man I’ve ever loved enough to hold onto as a friend. I guess there really is a first time for everything.

This is going to be short because I don’t have it in me to write more right now. In a moment you’ll see why.

I ended it with my Mr. Big today. I know I should have done it sooner. And please no lectures about LC. Letting go of Big was the hardest thing I’ve done since my divorce. But today I did it.

Why? Because he has New Year’s Eve plans and never even thought to include me. Because I’m not allowed to meet his friends. Because I don’t know where he lives. Because he is too afraid of being hurt to take a chance.

That last one… it hits kind of close to home. It reminds me of me and LC. By holding on to Big I’ve been keeping LC at arm’s length too. And he has been nothing but wonderful to me. So maybe, just maybe it’s time to take a chance.

And to take a chance with LC, to take a chance at having what I truly deserve with another person… I had to walk away from something that would never live up to that. I had to walk away from Big.

And so I did. And I made him a Big Zombie. And if you’ll pardon me, I have to go mourn that for just a little bit.

The End Begins

Yesterday I told Mr. Big that I wasn’t going to be able to do this for much longer. That soon I’d need more.

What followed was a conversation about how I pick the worst times and it’s not good for him right now. I told him he asks too much with no concern for anyone else. That I’ve always considered his needs and he needs to consider mine.

He asked if he should start searching for my replacement. I told him if he does that I’m gone right now. He backed down.

He said if I press it right now he’s gone. I backed down.

I know that when I tell him I need more, when I am definite, it’s over. I know I’m so stupid for not doing it sooner. I know that I should have done it months ago. And you know I wasn’t able to finish the job last night.

But I started. Give me strength. I’m worth so much more than this.