Not Fair

Apparently I am not as cool as I wish I was. I mean, I thought I was cool. I was calm. I didn’t lose my head or anything. I am so over this, right? Oh sure. And that’s why one of my closest friends pointed out to me this weekend that I have told her my ex is engaged every single time I’ve seen her since it happened.

That’s right, my ex is engaged. And I’m not taking it well.

It doesn’t seem fair, you know? I have two ex-husbands now. Two of them. Not to imply that I’m a perfect angel, because I’m not. But both of them did something pretty terrible to me. So it seems like in some karmic way I should come out on top, right? Of course.

Except ex #1 is married to the girl he slept with while we were married and they have a son now. And ex #2 has hauled off and gotten engaged to the girl he was dating while he was trying to get me back. And what of me? That’s right, I’m living alone without a boyfriend or even a cat.

Singlegal reminded me today that I’m not the only one. That I’m normal. But that doesn’t stop me from joining her in her virtual temper tantrum. Or from thinking that it’s simply not fair.

I was the one who was wronged. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one who did the right thing. And I’m the only one who’s still alone. So you see, it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I’m also the one who goes to bed alone every night. That I’m the one who is starved for human touch. That I’m the one who still cries themself to sleep some nights. That I’m the one who is starting to think I’m meant to be alone and never meant to have children.

Ironically, I don’t want either of these men. I am happier without them, and that’s not a line. I don’t regret leaving in either case. I’m not sorry.

But still, it’s not fair. And I want to be over it. I want to be ok with this, but I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m not cool. And I haven’t been able to let go yet. And that makes me angrier than their newborn son or their engagement announcement. The fact that I can’t let go is what weighs on me now. I want to be over it. I want to be done. So why aren’t I?

Yesterday as I laid down for a nap I dreamed of ex #2. I dreamed he sent me pictures of his new apartment with his new fiancee. I dreamed he told me how he was doing things right with her even though he didn’t with me. Then, in my dream, I somehow let myself in while they weren’t home, and looked around. It was a beautiful place. What I might have wanted with him once upon a time. And just as I went to leave, he came home. I ran and hid and then abruptly woke up with my heart pounding.

I wish I were a bigger person than this, but apparently I’m not. I wish I were over this, but apparently I’m not. I wish I were better than this, but apparently I’m not.

And sometimes, life just isn’t fair.

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Something in the air

There is something in the air here at One Date Wonderland, and I would seriously like to find something that will kill it. But, at least it makes for fun stories!

First it was my ex-husband. He reappeared and started trying to get back in touch to be “friends”. There some some blather about how it had been a year, tough choices were made, he was second-guessing. It was all very vomit-worthy. The third time I sent him packing I thought he was gone. (Especially since I told him he was being extremely rude to his live-in girlfriend of almost a year.) Until he IMed me a few days later. For the record? I simply ignored it.

Then it was The Philosopher. I think I have neglected to tell our story here, so I will save that for another time. Just know that we have been back and forth since November, although after a bad bedroom incident, I stopped communication. Still, he calls. Last night, he called. I am not responding.

Also last night, The Insinuator returned! He started IMing me, and I seriously could not be bothered to even answer. This is how the one-sided exchange proceeded:

Him: Hi Jane long time no hear, how are you?
Him: I hope you still remember me
Him: hope you are not ignoring me… I just want to say hello, thats all
Him: ok bye then

Yes, bye then. Please don’t come back.

Are we quite finished now? Because I truly could not be less interested in any of these men. Fascinating how I could have an unattractive, passive aggressive guy who’s bad in bed any day of the week. But a real live decent man? Yeah right. Anyway, pass the Lysol. Or something.

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