The Possible Prince

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. She had everything she needed in life except her prince. She searched high, and she searched low, but still the prince eluded her. In a final effort to find him, our princess turned to online dating. She posted ads hither and yon, but nary a prince was found. One day, despite her better judgment, she even posted an ad on CraigsList.

Much to her surprise a princely candidate answered this ad! In her excitement, she responded rapidly to his message and even sent pictures. But alas, our possible prince disappeared. Or did he?

Then one day, our princess was feeling blue over an unexplainable incident with the undead. She innocently perused yet another dating site, and lo what should she see but the possible prince! Did her eyes decieve her, or had fate thrown him in her path once again? In her weakened state, she contacted the possible prince and then she waited. And she waited. And she waited.

A whole week went by and our princess had all but forgotten about her possible prince. One morning, while innocently checking her messages, what should appear but a reply! From the possible prince! And so a slow motion email exchange began.

This went on fora week or three when the possible prince requested the princess’s phone number, which she gladly provided. But then a dark time set upon the kingdom and the possible prince disappeared yet again. A week went by and nothing. 4 more days passed…. and then, there was contact. The possible prince has been on vacation but promised to call that night.

The princess was skeptical. She eyed her phone warily but did not get excited. The night the hours wore on and her phone remained silent. The possible prince was nowhere to be found. And just as our princess was settling in to watch a new episode of House, it rang. The possible prince had called.

They talked, they laughed, they did not hang up for over an hour. Much fun was had. But eventually, the possible prince had to prepare for another day of work in his kingdom and our princess needed her beauty sleep. They parted ways with no date set and no promise of future contact.

The princess was confused. She slept on it and decided to email her possible prince in the morning and thank him for the fun conversation. And now she waits again.

Will the possible prince answer her email? Will he call again? Will he actually ask her out? Stay tuned for the next episode of….. The Possible Prince!

Spot the reason

The Twilight Zone

And so the saga of our Teeny Tiny Superguy (AKA Asian Grocery Guy) continues. I figured we were done due to the odd departure tactics and strange anti-date ambivalence. One of my friends asked me if I was bothered by that fact. I really had to think about that, but no…. I’m not. I really have no strong feelings about the entire experience one way or the other. I got to go to the movies and out to dinner, so it wasn’t all bad. I don’t have a burning need to repeat the experience but neither was I repulsed by it. I am truly ambivalent about the entire thing.

Which, of course, means he emailed today. His communication is just as ambivalent as I am feeling though. He wrote to tell me something about the movie and ask me a question about it. Then wished me a happy weekend and didn’t even sign off. (He ends emails much like he ends social interactions, it seems.) Unsure of what to do, I answered his question without a greeting or signoff (to match him) and sent it off. More effort seems entirely unnecessary. But less seems rude.

We have clearly entered the (ambivalent) Twight Zone!

The Date with Asian Grocery Guy

Every experienced online dater and One Date Wonder should have come to terms with one universal truth. Never get excited about a first date. Do not build expectations in either a positive or negative direction. A true One Date Wonder remains comfortably numb about each and every initial encounter to avoid any dashing of hopes and dreams, and ensure only pleasantly positive surprises. Lucky for me, I have learned my lessons well.

The next truth about an experienced One Date Wonder is that we begin to develop an almost uncanny feeling for what might go wrong. For example, mere hours before meeting my Asian Grocery Guy last night I said to a friend of mine “He didn’t tell me how tall he is. I bet he’s a midget.” Dear readers, would this be written if he were a tall gentlemen? No, of course not. He was wee.

Now admittedly, I have a thing for the tall men. But at 5′4″, it is not difficult for a man to be taller than me. I prefer the difference to be significant, but I am a girly girl like that. Pretty much taller than me at all will do. I’m not overly fond of heels anyway. This man might have been an inch taller than me. But he might have been an inch shorter. He was so busy doing the short man swagger through the mall that I really couldn’t tell. It was that distracting. Dude had something to prove and he was trying to prove it by making his coat tails flap about in his wake. Perhaps this was meant to make him seem of greater stature. Perhaps he just likes flapping coat tails. Who knows? The overall result was like some sort of demented tiny super hero. The “Teeny Tiny Superguy” theme was stuck in my head all night.

The truth is, I am somewhat reformed. I was going to overlook the short thing. Even though it caused me a bit of alarm, I was going to try to do it. But there was another problem all together. I’m not sure if it was a date, or I was his platonic movie buddy. He responded to an ad looking for a relationship. I was clear about that. And I did make him ask me out, pick a night, and choose the activity. I helped with meeting place and time, and picked one of his movie choices. All very date-like so far.

But in execution, it became befuddling. We went out to dinner and a movie. At dinner, we chatted and laughed and ate. And then the check came. I went for my purse while he went for his wallet. He did not stop me. We went dutch. That would be the first point of ambivalence. We also bought our own movie tickets. At least by then, I was ready for it. Fast forward to the movie. He chose not to lower the arm rest between us so there was no real divider there. But he also didn’t really lean or touch at all during the movie. Once or twice he grazed me as he gestured, but there was no meaningful contact. Still, the parting is the real indicator, right?

Right. So we left the theater and his swagger accelerated to unholy proportions. He practically raced out of the shopping mall. When we got to the parking lot, I waved my arm to the right and told him I was over there. He waved to the left and said he was over there. He never even stopped his mad swaggering or slowed for a second. Just called over his shoulder that he’d email me and bye! I got to my car completely perplexed. In fact, I still am.

Asian Grocery Guy

Yes folks, it’s time for more adventures in CraigsList dating. Today we will be discussing the man who probably wrote the single best email I have ever received based on an online personal. It was well written with punctuation and capital letters which almost immediately makes it better than 75% of the drivel I get. But it also made me laugh. Out loud. And the fastest way to my heart is through my funny bone. I answered immediately, and so it began.

After a day or two of emailing, this guy went for the gold and asked me out. And forever earned his nickname (Asian Grocery Guy, that is) by inviting me to the asian grocery store on a Tuesday with the intent to carry mangoes. It is by far the most memorable proposition I’ve ever received. Unfortunately, due to the fact I was working and had a limited window to play with, we didn’t make it. We did have a very nice phone conversation though. But after that Asian Grocery Guy started to fade. We had one other failed attempt to hook up and all communication stopped. It was sad.

Usually, after two failed hookups and a communication stoppage, I would walk off. But there was the matter of the highly intelligent and amusing emails and the most inventive date ever. So I broke my rule, but did it with panache! I just sent a quick checkup type message that would easily allow him to bow out if he was trying to without having to go out of his way to save face. I may have also mentioned that hopefully the sudden silence was not brought on by my refusal to haul mangoes. Well, he wrote back. There was some fruity banter, and then very quickly he suggested a date. And he called me to confirm last night. (A very nice touch.) So tonight, the Asian grocery Guy and I are doing the dinner and a movie thing.

There is one more thing you need to know about this particular man. He is a massage therapist. I implore you not to let me become that episode of Seinfeld and drive him away. Seriously. Talk me off the ledge folks. (An intelligent, funny, massage therapist. Please let him not be a troll in person!)

The Last Last Last Word…?

At this point it’s like a trainwreck. You know you can’t look away, right? Pity the poor girl he is talking to now. If she exists.

The Last Last Word… I Hope

Well, A is at it again. I’m wondering if he’s ever successfully pissed a woman off into going out with him. With each email he sends, I can see more and more why he is single. Dig that grave a little deeper, why don’t ya?

Guess you gave up on me One Date Wonder. I am truly disappointed. You never even gave me a chance…:(

To all daters everywhere: Do not ever submit to this idiotic behavior! Seriously, I want to point something out.While this man is rather pathetic, the string of emails shows an alarming trend. First he checks in on me obsessively. Then he tries to turn it around on me by making me the problem when I tell him I don’t care for that behavior. Then he apologizes profusely. Then he tries to make me feel bad about myself again.

If this has not raised the red flag of manipulation in your minds, then you need to sharpen your spidey sense. Do not date people like this. Only madness lies down that path. And in the more extreme cases, possibly something worse.

O! M! G!

A wrote back. I have no words. All I can do is post his. Bear in mind while reading this that we emailed for 9 days and exchanged headshots. We never spoke on the phone, and we’ve never met.

Respectfully,

A

The Last Word

First let me come clean. I am a chick who likes to have the last word. It used to be that I had to have it and would prolong disagreements pointlessly in search of the last word. I am not that bad anymore, but I still like to have the final say. I swear to you internet dating will break me of this. The last word is only a way to prolong negative interactions. Let me give you an example.

So there was this guy on CraigsList. Let’s call him A. A started off with a nice response to my ad. He wrote intelligent responses. He seemed rather normal. He didn’t send a picture right away, so I was suspicious, but it was okay. We were chatting, and that was fine. Then one day, I guess I didnt answer an email fast enough. Or maybe he was feeling sensitive. Maybe he has separation anxiety or something, who knows? He sent me a message and I didn’t reply right away. This happens as I have a life and stuff. Three hours later, he sends a followup message questioning if I had received his last email and if I was still interested.

You know I almost instantly stopped speaking to him, right? But I decided to be a reformed One Date Wonder, and tell him why I was about to drop him like a hot potato. I wrote back and explained that I am a busy woman with a job, and a life, and things to do. Not all answers would be speedy. And if he needed that level of contact with someone that we would be a bad fit. A backed down immediately. Said he understood all of that and he had meant to be respectful blahblahblahcakes. He apologized. And, against my better judgment, I brushed the incident off and we continued to talk.

Then a time came when he didn’t write to me for four days. Honestly, I hardly noticed. When he eventually did write it was to say he had been ill and not on the computer and then to continue our email exchange. I hadn’t really missed the exchange, to be honest. But I kind of figured I should write back anyway. Still, I needed time to think about what I wanted to say to him next.

Then it happened. Not even 24 hours after that email he sent another asking if I has received it and was I still interested. As if my reaction to that email the last time wasn’t clear enough or something. Or as if he had not just been silent for four days. Who knows? I didn’t care about his silence so why was I being required to answer for mine on his schedule? But….. okay. I took a deep breath and decided to answer to tell him this truly wasn’t going to work out. I explained again that I felt it was a bad fit. I also pointed out that when he was silent for four days I never said a word, nor did I mind at all. And that I felt it was rather unrealistic for him to be okay with that but to question me after less than 24 hours of non-communication. I told him I was sure he was a very nice person but that this just wasn’t meant to be. And I wished him luck.

What did I get for my efforts? I’ll tell you what I got. I got a reminder as to why we usually hit delete and never respond when we’re finished with someone. I got a missive explaining how while I was attractive and smart, I was obviously too judgmental for him. You know, since I had chewed him out twice now. And he didn’t think it fair of me to judge him like that so clearly I am not the one for him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I managed to hit delete on that ridiculous drivel without firing out the last word. I let him have it. If it spares his fragile ego a bit, he is welcome to it. And one more thing (because this is my blog and I am entitled to the last word here)… I wasn’t judging him before and took great pains to make that clear. But after that stupid final note that he had to send to assuage his fragile tiny ego? Yep, you guessed it. I’m judging now. Way to go.

The Call of CraigsList

I suppose it is inevitable for an internet dater and One Date Wonder. The lure of it is strong. The talk of it is incessant. We read it and snicker, poke it and wonder, click around and ponder. Perhaps we even answer an ad here or there before the inevitable occurs. We place an ad on CraigsList.

I finally gave in after a firm recommendation from The Unadater. In retrospect, he is probably not the sort of guy I would usually take dating recommendations from (totally love reading that stuff though!), but there you have it. It is done. Ad posted, responses still coming in.

Let me explain some things about CL that I have learned. First of all, most men will post straight up looking for sex. Why? Because they are men. And because some women are interested in the same and will answer. Even if they have not posted overtly looking for sex, they probably are anyway. It’s just a ploy to capture the other women who will not answer the sex ads. Therefore the only clear solution is to take control of the situation and post your own damn ad. Make them come to you and screen as necessary.

The second thing is to make sure you are honest about what you’re looking for. If you want the sex, trust me you can find it. Just ask. If you want more…. well maybe that’s possible too. Although more on that later. The point is to be clear. These people are not mind readers and if you don’t tell them what you want, they will go straight to the dirty place.

Then there’s the fact that some of them are going to the dirty place no matter what you do. This is true of all online dating sites. The key to avoidance (if you do indeed wish to avoid the immediate dirty place going) is to screen carefully. Develop an active BS meter and trust it. Hit delete if anything is even remotely hinky.

Once you have all that down, fun things happen. The weird people answer. The grammatically challenged come out to play. People start flinging phone numbers around. And maybe, just maybe, some guy asks you out to the Asian grocery store in town to haul around his mangoes. No seriously. Stories to come.