The L Word

Let me paint you a picture here. A boy and a girl have been dating for several months. They have also been doing the deed. The L word has been completely absent up until this point. One day, casually in conversation (about body image, if that’s relevant) the boy says “I absolutely love the way you look.” The girl blinks, but thinks nothing more. A few days later during a conversation about decidedly naughty things together, the boy says “I love our time together.” Th girl blinks again, and thoughts fly.

Few things are so loaded as the word “love” when you’re with a member of the opposite sex. It is often entirely avoided. It is occasionally used to test the waters. And admittedly sometimes it is thrown around because someone doesn’t understand the strength of it. In my not so humble experience, it is often regarded as a freaky mine field by the female mind.

Here is a little guide for the boys, in case you didn’t already know.

• You most definitely can use it too soon and freak us out. This usually occurs more often as we get older and more cautious. It is also directly related to how googly-eyed we are over you. However in the wrong situation, it can cause immediate fleeing.
• You can also most definitely use it too late. We will eventually get tired of you being deeply in like with us and we will also flee.
• We reserve the right to over-analyze your use of this word at all times. Be aware that any time it is dropped into conversation in any relation to us, we will probably kick into overdrive. Let me demonstrate. “I love the Red Sox” will not make us blink. “I love our time together” makes us wonder if you are trying to tell us something else. We will then poke this situation from every angle, ask for advice from multiple people, and generally rip our hair out until you find a way to rectify this problem.
• The only solution to the above dilemma that will actually stop the hair pulling is to tell us you love us.
• And finally, much like we want you to ask us out and we want you to pick up the check, we want you to say it first. Most of us have put ourselves out on the line more than once and gotten the curt “Thank you” or worse yet “That’s nice”. We realize you may have too. But in our little girly hearts, we still want you to take the leap. Chances are if you are stable (as in not psycho), we have been dating for a while, and things are still going well? We will answer you with something that isn’t going to make you secretly want to vomit.

As with any dating rules, there will be exceptions. But for the most part, the L word is to be used with great caution and the complete understanding that we will pick apart any conversation in which it appears. Please proceed with caution, ok?

I would love to see the male counterpart to this conversation.

**For the record, yes I am participating in the general crazy making at this time. I would like to imagine that I’ve been restrained about it. I would also like to imagine that the whole scenario is indicative of a deep and lasting feeling Mr. Big has for me. Unfortunately, I cannot allow myself to imagine that or the crazy making will deepen. So I am generally trying to ignore it. Mostly. Sort of.

He said/She said

Here is the gist of an actual exchange, with some questionable grammar and terrible attempts at humor (his, not mine) removed.

Boy: Want to meet at a comedy club in DC sometime?

Girl: I don’t really drive into DC at all. Do you have any ideas for activities outside of DC?

Boy: Oh I don’t drive, I take the metro.

Girl: …

Need I tell you I never emailed again? I realize I used the word “drive”, but I also carefully asked if we could plan an activity not in DC. (I deliberately left that open for him so he could have the freedom to choose something else he might enjoy.) He absolutely refuses to acknowledge that. Therefore I absolutely refuse to go out with him.

Moral of the story: Attempting to bend someone to your will when trying to arrange a first date will result in no date at all.

New Dating Rule!

I have a new dating rule. That’s right, even seasoned One Date Wonders can learn new tricks of the trade. But after some personal experience and careful analysis of conversations with other women, I have developed this new important dating tenet: Once you have broken up with someone, DO NOT EVER GO BACK!

It doesn’t matter who did the breaking up. It doesn’t matter why. Once it’s over, it’s over. Walk away. Don’t look back. And for the love of Pete, do not make excuses. Do not foster illusions. Do not create little fantasies in your head about how you really can live happily ever after. It happened for a reason. Accept that and walk away. Trust me, this is the only way to retain sanity.

How did I learn this lovely little lesson? Well, you’d think the second divorce would have taught me. We had been engaged, broken it off, then got re-engaged and married. Clearly that did not end well. But no… that apparently was not sufficient. What it took to teach me this lesson once and for all was that combined with…… zombie guy.

That’s right, zombie guy. He broke it off once and I didn’t let it go. I poked it until he came back around. I held onto him. I had little fantasies about what a fun time we could have. I may have, at one point, envisioned tiny little zombies of my own. That is, right up until Sunday morning when he started to tell me all about this girl he’s been seeing and how he really likes her. I cut him off and killed the conversation. I think we both understood the problem after a moment. He apologized. So did I. We haven’t spoken since.

Am I happy? No. will I be okay? Yes. Do I have visions of future sleepovers with him? Not really. I’ve wised up. I’m walking away. No more zombie guy. Just simply….. no more. I am killing this undead chapter of my dating life once and for all.

(I just wish it didn’t sting like this. Because we barely knew each other. And yet…. this one burns just a little.)

So let me reiterate this all important lesson one more time. Because at some point in any single gal’s life, we will all contemplate the validity of this rule. We will all flirt with breaking it. Most of us even will. But it will not end well… in fact most horrible break up stories start when you get back together with your ex. So seriously. Just don’t.

Searching for something

Wow, some people out there are even worse about over analyzing their dating situations than I am. I mean, I’m pretty bad. I figured I was pretty much the worst there was. But let’s just look at a tiny section of what people are searching to end up here.

• confessions of ambivalent man – For that you’re best off talking to anyone I’ve been on a date with in the past year. Except that one guy. He’s just weird.
• why did he only ask me out on one date – Because asking you out on three at once is a little creepy?
• relationships he says let me know if you – Man, I wish I knew how this one ended. If you….. have the runs? Are in love with another man? Have a kinky fetish? The possibilities are endless.
• he would not stay with me – Oh honey, most of them won’t.
• signs your date at the movie went bad – see experience with Asian Grocery Guy. I hope that’s where you landed.
• does paying for dinner make it a date – Let me help you with that. No.
• after 1st date guy says he would like to – More of the endless possibilities. I can’t even tell you where my mind went here. Wishing I knew how this ended.
• what if he is aggressive on the first date – Did he hit you or try to get you in bed? Big difference.
• what if man says he had fun on date – Most people wonder what if he doesn’t! Be happy!
• blind date “i felt it” – I’m afraid to ask…. but felt what?
• how to get married. the rools – Whatever you’re trying to do (and then misspelling), it isn’t going to work. Surrender now.
• what does it mean when a guy doesn’t ans – This one got cut off, but I still know the answer. Girl, he’s just not that into you.
• why do eharmony matches close communication – Because they can.
• we set a date but he never called – Do you really need to search the internet to understand this one? Come on.
• thing to tell a women when your on a date – Not that you searched the internet for effective ways to woo her. Seriously.

How NOT to get a date

Let me start this off with a few qualifying statements. I am a-okay with thinking outside the box. Creative types are fine by me. Not necessarily following a traditional career path in a perfectly straight line is wholly acceptable. Now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you a few ways you will most certainly never get a date.

Whining about your job.- Let me clarify here. Imagine we’ve never met. We’ve exchanged a few emails and now we are into IMing. You are clearly attempting to get a date as you are going to follow up this particular conversation by asking me out this weekend. But this conversation… this conversation is all about how you got screwed over at work. And how you want a new job. Now. I don’t know you. You’re supposed to be making me like you. And this is what you choose? Smooth move bud. Except not.

Whining about my job. – I have a job that is easy to make fun of. It’s true. There are all kinds of jokes out there about pointless bureaucracy in my line of work. And all kinds of stereotypes about lazy people there too. But to flat out tell me all of this when attempting to get me to go out with you? This behavior will not earn you a date. Jokes about your taxpayer dollars at work? Not funny. Asking me how I can stand it? Also un-amusing. If you can’t keep a lid on that crap, we aren’t going anywhere bud. And what’s worse, you have made me instantly regret my hesitant date acceptance a few minutes ago.

Living with your parents. - I’m sorry. I really am. I want to be open minded. I want to be understanding about the economy and bills and alternative career paths. But seriously, at this age you need your own pad. It doesn’t have to be impressive or huge or in the most uppity neighborhood. You can even have a roommate or two! Just so long as they aren’t named Mom and Dad. Because there is nothing less hot than waking up in someone’s place and saying hello to their mommy on the way to the bathroom. That’s all I’m saying.

Sometimes you just have to wonder what some people are thinking.

Paying for it

Okay, so there’s something that has been bugging me lately. And now you’re going to have to pardon me while I climb up on my soapbox and share this with you.

Picture this: A guy and a gal are out on a date together. Nothing too fancy, just a giant chain restaurant that could be found in any city in the US. Conversation is good and they are enjoying each other’s company. No one has ordered anything extravagant, but it’s fun. Maybe it’s even giving one or the other of them hope that there might still be good dates to be had. Dinner is over and the guy suggests dessert. So dessert is had. Then comes the check, and things fall apart.

The guy analyzes the check. He deduces that meals were about the same price, implying that the gal needs to pay her half. But wait! The gal ordered a drink (soda, not booze) and he did not. So she must pay more. Cash is laid out, change is gotten. The guy says the service wasn’t so good and leaves a slightly low tip. Then he proceeds to split the change with the gal, giving her less, of course, because of the soda.

Then there is a walk back to the car, pleasant conversation continues. The guy asks the gal if she would like to go out again sometime and promises to follow up with her later in the week.

Please tell me you see what is wrong with this picture. Because here’s the thing. The gal (clearly me, so let’s stop pretending) waited for him to ask her out. I let him pick the place, set the date, and set the time. This is how I roll. This is a first date. And I don’t care how antiquated you are about to think I am, I expect a man to pay on the first date. And guys, it is so not just me.

Now, if an ongoing dating arrangement is to be had, I expect costs will have to be shared. Either split down the middle at check time or institute a policy where each person pays for every other date. Something will eventually be done to take the pressure off. But on a first date the man needs to be the man and pick up the check.

I will do my part, don’t misunderstand. I will not order anything expensive. No booze, no appetizers, and no dessert. If any of those things are ordered, it will be at his urging. I will eat my meal, not pick at it. I will make conversation and eye contact. Even if I’m not thrilled with him, I will make sure I am polite and courteous. And when the bill comes, I will reach for my purse. At that moment, the man is supposed to say “I’ve got it.” I will make eye contact and ask once, and only once, if he is sure. When he says yes, I will say thank you and conversation can resume.

But guys, hear me now. If I reach for the purse, and you do not stop me? The date is probably ruined. You are most likely not for me (although I’m willing to entertain exceptions these days), and I am not unusual in this respect. And if you then start quibbling over who gets pennies and quarters or who ordered a soda? I will not forget. And all the good conversation in the world will not cover the fact that you were concerned over who got the last quarter.

For the record, I told him he could have it.

The Last Last Word… I Hope

Well, A is at it again. I’m wondering if he’s ever successfully pissed a woman off into going out with him. With each email he sends, I can see more and more why he is single. Dig that grave a little deeper, why don’t ya?

Guess you gave up on me One Date Wonder. I am truly disappointed. You never even gave me a chance…:(

To all daters everywhere: Do not ever submit to this idiotic behavior! Seriously, I want to point something out.While this man is rather pathetic, the string of emails shows an alarming trend. First he checks in on me obsessively. Then he tries to turn it around on me by making me the problem when I tell him I don’t care for that behavior. Then he apologizes profusely. Then he tries to make me feel bad about myself again.

If this has not raised the red flag of manipulation in your minds, then you need to sharpen your spidey sense. Do not date people like this. Only madness lies down that path. And in the more extreme cases, possibly something worse.

The Call of CraigsList

I suppose it is inevitable for an internet dater and One Date Wonder. The lure of it is strong. The talk of it is incessant. We read it and snicker, poke it and wonder, click around and ponder. Perhaps we even answer an ad here or there before the inevitable occurs. We place an ad on CraigsList.

I finally gave in after a firm recommendation from The Unadater. In retrospect, he is probably not the sort of guy I would usually take dating recommendations from (totally love reading that stuff though!), but there you have it. It is done. Ad posted, responses still coming in.

Let me explain some things about CL that I have learned. First of all, most men will post straight up looking for sex. Why? Because they are men. And because some women are interested in the same and will answer. Even if they have not posted overtly looking for sex, they probably are anyway. It’s just a ploy to capture the other women who will not answer the sex ads. Therefore the only clear solution is to take control of the situation and post your own damn ad. Make them come to you and screen as necessary.

The second thing is to make sure you are honest about what you’re looking for. If you want the sex, trust me you can find it. Just ask. If you want more…. well maybe that’s possible too. Although more on that later. The point is to be clear. These people are not mind readers and if you don’t tell them what you want, they will go straight to the dirty place.

Then there’s the fact that some of them are going to the dirty place no matter what you do. This is true of all online dating sites. The key to avoidance (if you do indeed wish to avoid the immediate dirty place going) is to screen carefully. Develop an active BS meter and trust it. Hit delete if anything is even remotely hinky.

Once you have all that down, fun things happen. The weird people answer. The grammatically challenged come out to play. People start flinging phone numbers around. And maybe, just maybe, some guy asks you out to the Asian grocery store in town to haul around his mangoes. No seriously. Stories to come.

Deleted!

The email:

hey how r u doing? u r hot:D

The response? Instant deletion. This is not a text message folks, it’s a first impression. And this first impression? Was bad bad bad. No second chance for you.

Princess

Once upon a time, I started talking to an interesting sort of guy online. Everything was going nicely and we’d moved into some IM conversations when it happened. He called me princess.

Why that is creepy, I don’t know. But it is. And that was that for me.

The lesson? Don’t use pet names until you really know a girl. Otherwise you may never.