Good Timing

You all know I don’t necessarily prescribe to ideas of so-called dating experts and the like. However, you also know that when I manage to let my guard down, I am capable of recognizing the good someone else can do for me. Maybe even let in a new idea or two.

And so it is, without much other explanation, that I will tell you I stumbled across this article this morning. And I think I really needed to see that.

Sometimes my own worst enemy is just me.

The Truth About Online Dating

With more and more people going online to look for dates, the cries about online dating and how much it sucks are increasing. Every day I hear someone saying how disgruntled or unhappy they are with the process. Or worse yet, I hear people saying “Dating sucks!” and just flat out threatening to give up. So I thought maybe someone out there could benefit from some down to earth wisdom about dating, online dating, and what to expect.

First let’s consider the offline dating world. You walk down the street every day and see people you find attractive. You may have a nice chat with a guy in your coffee shop, and share a smile with someone in the hallways at work. The point is, it happens all the time. What doesn’t happen is an exchange of phone numbers or some serious chatting up. Most of us enjoy these little encounters but never make them into something more. Most of us also spot people every day we would never date. Maybe they are rude or simply unattractive. But in our mind, we know that just wouldn’t be happening. Mentally, you pick and choose even if you never act on it.

Online, there is less to lose. You don’t have to look someone in the eye when you ask for their phone number. You don’t have to face someone in the hallway at work after they blow you off. Your risk is considerably lower. And so the natural inhibitions that keep us from just asking out that hot single gal waiting to cross the street one morning… they don’t apply.

Now, because our inhibitions are lower, we encounter more rejections and more people we are not going to be interested in. Just like there are whole populations of people in the world you wouldn’t want to date, so are there online. It’s just that online, you are more likely to run into them asking you for a date.

So here is the truth… the truth of online dating. You will have more bad dates than good. You will have more bad emails than good. You will get rejected more often than you are accepted. It’s not because you’re fat and ugly, or stupid and undesireable. It’s not because there is something wrong with you. It’s because that’s just the way it is. And if you aren’t prepared for that you really shouldn’t play.

Love Coaching?

I’m going to start by being honest with you here. When I heard the term “Love and Relationship Coach”, I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I mean seriously, there are coaches for everything right? And people have survived and coupled up for ages without this kind of targeted help. But, as you know, recently I’ve found myself in quite the situation. And I do happen to be friends with some of these folks out on the great wide internets. So when Love Coach Rinatta offered to help me out a bit, I suspended my disbelief for just long enough to agree. I figured it certainly couldn’t mess things up anymore, and at the very least may amuse you, my gentle readers. Many of you are single and out in the big bad dating world. So I encourage you to read about this (and laugh at me).

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Breaking up is hard to do

Back in August, I did a guest post for Ms. Single Mama all about my philosophy of breaking up. Recently a good friend reminded me of this as it became pertinent in my life for a fleeting moment (not with LC, just relax everyone) and I was reminded that I never posted this here for you. So, without further ado, I offer you my very own sage advice on how best to survive a break up.

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Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.

My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, you new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*

First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.

Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you). We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voicemails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?

Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way. These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.

On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest. Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie. I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.

Something fun!

Time for a non-alcoholic pick me up. Mollie over at Musings of a “Crazy Cat Lady” has quickly become just one of my favorite all around gals. She is sweet, and positive, and can even disagree with me gracefully. Which, truth be told, is hard to do because I’m a little stubborn sometimes. (Only a little!)

Anyway, she has graciously invited me to provide some advice to her and her readers regarding the wonderful wild and wacky world of online dating. So hop on over to Musings of a “Crazy Cat Lady” and check it out!

(Disclaimer: Mollie may love kitties but is not indeed actually crazy. At least, I don’t think she is…)

Bad Pickup Line

Here’s one for the DON’T list. Imagine seeing a profile on an online dating site. And imagine you thought you might like to meet that person. Then imagine sending the following email.

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutie pie like you!

You can’t imagine it can you? Why? Because it’s stupid. And it won’t get you a date. It will only get you deleted.

PS – Lack of greeting or signature and random capitalization only add to the lack of charm.

Dear Jane

Yesterday I got this comment. With the author’s permission, I’m republishing it and serving up my first chunk of advice! Feel free to email or leave other questions in comments. It can be like “Dear Jane”…. sarcastic advice to live by!

“..I have been dating a guy for almost a month (About 6 dates in total) but I still have no idea how he feels, I have been trying to play it real cool by not calling too much, reacting to his actions instead of being on the offensive(not sure if this is a good thing) but I still am at a loss. We have never had a convo about us and I am not sure if I want to yet…is it too soon?…”

Here’s the deal. After 6 dates or roughly a month, neither one of you may know exactly what you feel. I mean, you may, but you also may not. It’s still super early. So I’d not stress over that particular bit right now.

It sounds like you’re also struggling over the direction you two are going though, and that is an acceptable conversation to have now. If you feel like you don’t want to see other people, for example. That’s a legitimate thing to express. You can broach the subject by asking him a question like “Are you dating anyone else?” or something. BUT! One thing you need to understand is that if you ask this type of question, you may NOT get angry when you get an honest answer. If he tells you he’s dating 20 other women, don’t get psycho-pants on him. Just tell him whether or not you’re comfortable with that at this stage and express what you’d like.

The other issue I see here is the communication thing. I do not condone the reaction-only type of communication beyond initial encounters. It’s one thing to let a guy pursue you, but it’s another if after 6 dates, you’re only speaking when spoken to. If you are interested in this guy, it’s okay to pick up the phone first once in a while. If you don’t, you run the risk of sending the message that you’re not interested. And if you’ve been doing this for a while, he may already be unsure. For the record, note that this can feed into a reluctance to discuss where the two of you may be headed. If he isn’t sure if you’re into him, then he may not be sure if he should be into you.

Bottom line? Call once in a while. And try to see where he is heading with this by asking non-threatening questions. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him you need to talk or make it seem like a big relationship discussion. Casual is the rule here. Be casual.

And let me know how it goes.

Hint

Here’s a hint. If you are closer in age to my father than you are to me? I’m not going to date you.

My stated age range on match.com is 27-40. If you are 53? You are well outside that range. Sending me a wink won’t change my mind. Seriously.

Get a clue.

Theory

Dating is hard. You know it is. Negotiating a tricky social situation with someone you may not know at all is simply difficult. It’s just uncomfortable to go and spend time with a stranger with expectations and hopes and feelings all raw and in the open. It’s unnatural and often painful. It’s just hard.

And what fascinates me about the process is that people constantly strive to make it even more difficult. One person will tell you to make immediate contact after a date, another will tell you to wait three days, still another will tell you you shouldn’t make contact at all but should wait to be chased. What is the right thing to do? Which rule is hard and fast? What should we all be following?

The bottom line is that everyone and every situation is different. So why on earth don’t we allow for that? Why don’t we do what is right at the time? Why do we insist on creating rules and regulations that in the end only frustrate most of us?

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of advice about men “liking the chase”. I should sit back and wait. My inherent air of mystery will bring them running. They will chase the unknown. And if they don’t, they’re just not that into me. And to some extent, I will admit there is wisdom hidden in there. Many men do like to pursue. And if they simply won’t, it can be a sign.

But the wisdom fails as well. Many men do not. And what about when they catch you? Because the goal of dating is not to dangle yourself out of reach for eternity. It is, presumably, to be caught. Will your man instantly leave then? Will they lose interest? Do you really want someone who can’t be bothered once they have your full attention?

And what about the fact that these generalities do not cover all situations? Each person is different. They have different needs, see things in different ways, want different things. There is no one blanket they all fit under. No one stereotype that will always apply. We can joke about typical men or typical women, but at the end of the day we don’t all fit the mold. And someone is getting very pissed at repeated attempts to be shoved in there.

If a man tells you up front that he will disappear if you don’t show some interest, do you honestly believe sitting back and making him chase you will work? Similarly if a woman tells you she will say exactly what she means, do you think constantly reading hidden meaning into her words is going to help you understand her?

The point is that dating is hard enough. The pressures, the fears, the hopes, the failures…. we’ve all been there. And as we get older it gets harder. Dating at every age has new challenges. So why do we, as single people, insist on making it more difficult? Why do we not just pay a little attention? Why not pay attention to what people say and try to meet them on common ground? Why do we not communicate with a little honesty so we can understand? Why not just listen?

If all men or women were the same, then it wouldn’t matter who we end up with. But we do not all come from the same cookie cutter, or even the same batch of dough.

PS – PP called. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, interested. And he would have called sooner had he not been working until quite late every night. He knows how early I get up and didn’t want to wake me. I already knew most of that, which is why I practiced a little patience. I

A Tragedy

Every good One Date Wonder has a few sneaky tricks up her sleeve. In my case, more than a few really. I have some big sleeves, ok? Anyway, I usually wouldn’t give them away to the entire internets, but his is just too good of a story to pass up. So here is just one of my little tricks: I have a secret account on OKCupid that I use to scope people out without them knowing I’m doing it. Sounds juvenile, but it has serious benefits. I can browse anonymously. I can look at people I know. And no one ever has to know I’m doing it.

Due to the top secret nature of said account, the profile isn’t filled in and no one ever messages it. Or no one did, until last week. I already knew there must have been some desperation involved as this person had sent a message to someone who had zero personal information of any kind, no basic stats, and no picture. I’m not even sure how he found the profile, to be honest. But whatever, he did. The message was a little sad but being the sick voyeur I am, I went to look at the profile.

It was even sadder. He is 36, tragically short, and whines throughout the entire profile about how no one ever answers him. It was revolting. And then for the cherry on our little tragic sundae, he announces that he’s a virgin. A short, whiny, lonely, 36 year old virgin. And we wonder why no one responds?

At first I just laughed. Okay, I’m mean. I actually went back a few times to laugh. It was sort of funny, you know? Then I thought, maybe he really doesn’t know. I mean, he can’t help being short. And depending on beliefs (and availability) he can’t really just run out and lose his virginity. But he can stop the incessant whining, and not announce the lack of experience up front. He’d be a little less pathetic then, you know? Of course you know. Apparently everyone knew but him!

So…. I told him. Yep. I wrote back and told him. I sweetly announced that I was going to try to help out and I told him how unattractive the desperation was and how perhaps he should not declare his virginity right up in the front like that. I almost regretted it when I hit send, but then…. well…. I didn’t. Didn’t regret it, that is. I totally hit send.

He, of course, wrote back. He actually accepted the constructive criticism and changed his profile up according to my suggestions. Don’t misunderstand me, I still find it to be a rather tragic sundae. But at least it lacks whipped cream and a cherry on top, you know? I mean someone less savvy than myself might be fooled. Not you, dear reader. Of course not you. But, you know, someone. Anyway, he wrote back to say he had taken all the suggestions and then took a shot at me by pointing out that the advice was a bit rich coming from someone who hadn’t bothered to fill out their own profile. I almost let it go, but I figured I would nip the whole thing in the bud right there. I told him I wasn’t looking for responses. Different goals call for different tactics.

I figured that would be it. He had gotten his helpful advice and I had clearly just told him I didn’t want responses. But no. Of course not. The tragedy continued. Next I got an email saying that was a fair enough assessment… and asking me about my hobbies. That’s right, the short whiny virgin was trying to chat me up. After I specifically said I was not interested in anything. I think I can actually smell the desperation from here.

I have not answered. I think I just will not. I have made the dating site a little bit better and perhaps taught a tragic little man a bit about how to write a profile. Or perhaps not. But I’m not sticking around to find out.