Something fun!

Time for a non-alcoholic pick me up. Mollie over at Musings of a “Crazy Cat Lady” has quickly become just one of my favorite all around gals. She is sweet, and positive, and can even disagree with me gracefully. Which, truth be told, is hard to do because I’m a little stubborn sometimes. (Only a little!)

Anyway, she has graciously invited me to provide some advice to her and her readers regarding the wonderful wild and wacky world of online dating. So hop on over to Musings of a “Crazy Cat Lady” and check it out!

(Disclaimer: Mollie may love kitties but is not indeed actually crazy. At least, I don’t think she is…)

Bad Pickup Line

Here’s one for the DON’T list. Imagine seeing a profile on an online dating site. And imagine you thought you might like to meet that person. Then imagine sending the following email.

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutie pie like you!

You can’t imagine it can you? Why? Because it’s stupid. And it won’t get you a date. It will only get you deleted.

PS - Lack of greeting or signature and random capitalization only add to the lack of charm.

Dear Jane

Yesterday I got this comment. With the author’s permission, I’m republishing it and serving up my first chunk of advice! Feel free to email or leave other questions in comments. It can be like “Dear Jane”…. sarcastic advice to live by!

“..I have been dating a guy for almost a month (About 6 dates in total) but I still have no idea how he feels, I have been trying to play it real cool by not calling too much, reacting to his actions instead of being on the offensive(not sure if this is a good thing) but I still am at a loss. We have never had a convo about us and I am not sure if I want to yet…is it too soon?…”

Here’s the deal. After 6 dates or roughly a month, neither one of you may know exactly what you feel. I mean, you may, but you also may not. It’s still super early. So I’d not stress over that particular bit right now.

It sounds like you’re also struggling over the direction you two are going though, and that is an acceptable conversation to have now. If you feel like you don’t want to see other people, for example. That’s a legitimate thing to express. You can broach the subject by asking him a question like “Are you dating anyone else?” or something. BUT! One thing you need to understand is that if you ask this type of question, you may NOT get angry when you get an honest answer. If he tells you he’s dating 20 other women, don’t get psycho-pants on him. Just tell him whether or not you’re comfortable with that at this stage and express what you’d like.

The other issue I see here is the communication thing. I do not condone the reaction-only type of communication beyond initial encounters. It’s one thing to let a guy pursue you, but it’s another if after 6 dates, you’re only speaking when spoken to. If you are interested in this guy, it’s okay to pick up the phone first once in a while. If you don’t, you run the risk of sending the message that you’re not interested. And if you’ve been doing this for a while, he may already be unsure. For the record, note that this can feed into a reluctance to discuss where the two of you may be headed. If he isn’t sure if you’re into him, then he may not be sure if he should be into you.

Bottom line? Call once in a while. And try to see where he is heading with this by asking non-threatening questions. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him you need to talk or make it seem like a big relationship discussion. Casual is the rule here. Be casual.

And let me know how it goes.

Hint

Here’s a hint. If you are closer in age to my father than you are to me? I’m not going to date you.

My stated age range on match.com is 27-40. If you are 53? You are well outside that range. Sending me a wink won’t change my mind. Seriously.

Get a clue.

Theory

Dating is hard. You know it is. Negotiating a tricky social situation with someone you may not know at all is simply difficult. It’s just uncomfortable to go and spend time with a stranger with expectations and hopes and feelings all raw and in the open. It’s unnatural and often painful. It’s just hard.

And what fascinates me about the process is that people constantly strive to make it even more difficult. One person will tell you to make immediate contact after a date, another will tell you to wait three days, still another will tell you you shouldn’t make contact at all but should wait to be chased. What is the right thing to do? Which rule is hard and fast? What should we all be following?

The bottom line is that everyone and every situation is different. So why on earth don’t we allow for that? Why don’t we do what is right at the time? Why do we insist on creating rules and regulations that in the end only frustrate most of us?

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of advice about men “liking the chase”. I should sit back and wait. My inherent air of mystery will bring them running. They will chase the unknown. And if they don’t, they’re just not that into me. And to some extent, I will admit there is wisdom hidden in there. Many men do like to pursue. And if they simply won’t, it can be a sign.

But the wisdom fails as well. Many men do not. And what about when they catch you? Because the goal of dating is not to dangle yourself out of reach for eternity. It is, presumably, to be caught. Will your man instantly leave then? Will they lose interest? Do you really want someone who can’t be bothered once they have your full attention?

And what about the fact that these generalities do not cover all situations? Each person is different. They have different needs, see things in different ways, want different things. There is no one blanket they all fit under. No one stereotype that will always apply. We can joke about typical men or typical women, but at the end of the day we don’t all fit the mold. And someone is getting very pissed at repeated attempts to be shoved in there.

If a man tells you up front that he will disappear if you don’t show some interest, do you honestly believe sitting back and making him chase you will work? Similarly if a woman tells you she will say exactly what she means, do you think constantly reading hidden meaning into her words is going to help you understand her?

The point is that dating is hard enough. The pressures, the fears, the hopes, the failures…. we’ve all been there. And as we get older it gets harder. Dating at every age has new challenges. So why do we, as single people, insist on making it more difficult? Why do we not just pay a little attention? Why not pay attention to what people say and try to meet them on common ground? Why do we not communicate with a little honesty so we can understand? Why not just listen?

If all men or women were the same, then it wouldn’t matter who we end up with. But we do not all come from the same cookie cutter, or even the same batch of dough.

PS - PP called. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, interested. And he would have called sooner had he not been working until quite late every night. He knows how early I get up and didn’t want to wake me. I already knew most of that, which is why I practiced a little patience. I

A Tragedy

Every good One Date Wonder has a few sneaky tricks up her sleeve. In my case, more than a few really. I have some big sleeves, ok? Anyway, I usually wouldn’t give them away to the entire internets, but his is just too good of a story to pass up. So here is just one of my little tricks: I have a secret account on OKCupid that I use to scope people out without them knowing I’m doing it. Sounds juvenile, but it has serious benefits. I can browse anonymously. I can look at people I know. And no one ever has to know I’m doing it.

Due to the top secret nature of said account, the profile isn’t filled in and no one ever messages it. Or no one did, until last week. I already knew there must have been some desperation involved as this person had sent a message to someone who had zero personal information of any kind, no basic stats, and no picture. I’m not even sure how he found the profile, to be honest. But whatever, he did. The message was a little sad but being the sick voyeur I am, I went to look at the profile.

It was even sadder. He is 36, tragically short, and whines throughout the entire profile about how no one ever answers him. It was revolting. And then for the cherry on our little tragic sundae, he announces that he’s a virgin. A short, whiny, lonely, 36 year old virgin. And we wonder why no one responds?

At first I just laughed. Okay, I’m mean. I actually went back a few times to laugh. It was sort of funny, you know? Then I thought, maybe he really doesn’t know. I mean, he can’t help being short. And depending on beliefs (and availability) he can’t really just run out and lose his virginity. But he can stop the incessant whining, and not announce the lack of experience up front. He’d be a little less pathetic then, you know? Of course you know. Apparently everyone knew but him!

So…. I told him. Yep. I wrote back and told him. I sweetly announced that I was going to try to help out and I told him how unattractive the desperation was and how perhaps he should not declare his virginity right up in the front like that. I almost regretted it when I hit send, but then…. well…. I didn’t. Didn’t regret it, that is. I totally hit send.

He, of course, wrote back. He actually accepted the constructive criticism and changed his profile up according to my suggestions. Don’t misunderstand me, I still find it to be a rather tragic sundae. But at least it lacks whipped cream and a cherry on top, you know? I mean someone less savvy than myself might be fooled. Not you, dear reader. Of course not you. But, you know, someone. Anyway, he wrote back to say he had taken all the suggestions and then took a shot at me by pointing out that the advice was a bit rich coming from someone who hadn’t bothered to fill out their own profile. I almost let it go, but I figured I would nip the whole thing in the bud right there. I told him I wasn’t looking for responses. Different goals call for different tactics.

I figured that would be it. He had gotten his helpful advice and I had clearly just told him I didn’t want responses. But no. Of course not. The tragedy continued. Next I got an email saying that was a fair enough assessment… and asking me about my hobbies. That’s right, the short whiny virgin was trying to chat me up. After I specifically said I was not interested in anything. I think I can actually smell the desperation from here.

I have not answered. I think I just will not. I have made the dating site a little bit better and perhaps taught a tragic little man a bit about how to write a profile. Or perhaps not. But I’m not sticking around to find out.

The L Word

Let me paint you a picture here. A boy and a girl have been dating for several months. They have also been doing the deed. The L word has been completely absent up until this point. One day, casually in conversation (about body image, if that’s relevant) the boy says “I absolutely love the way you look.” The girl blinks, but thinks nothing more. A few days later during a conversation about decidedly naughty things together, the boy says “I love our time together.” Th girl blinks again, and thoughts fly.

Few things are so loaded as the word “love” when you’re with a member of the opposite sex. It is often entirely avoided. It is occasionally used to test the waters. And admittedly sometimes it is thrown around because someone doesn’t understand the strength of it. In my not so humble experience, it is often regarded as a freaky mine field by the female mind.

Here is a little guide for the boys, in case you didn’t already know.

• You most definitely can use it too soon and freak us out. This usually occurs more often as we get older and more cautious. It is also directly related to how googly-eyed we are over you. However in the wrong situation, it can cause immediate fleeing.
• You can also most definitely use it too late. We will eventually get tired of you being deeply in like with us and we will also flee.
• We reserve the right to over-analyze your use of this word at all times. Be aware that any time it is dropped into conversation in any relation to us, we will probably kick into overdrive. Let me demonstrate. “I love the Red Sox” will not make us blink. “I love our time together” makes us wonder if you are trying to tell us something else. We will then poke this situation from every angle, ask for advice from multiple people, and generally rip our hair out until you find a way to rectify this problem.
• The only solution to the above dilemma that will actually stop the hair pulling is to tell us you love us.
• And finally, much like we want you to ask us out and we want you to pick up the check, we want you to say it first. Most of us have put ourselves out on the line more than once and gotten the curt “Thank you” or worse yet “That’s nice”. We realize you may have too. But in our little girly hearts, we still want you to take the leap. Chances are if you are stable (as in not psycho), we have been dating for a while, and things are still going well? We will answer you with something that isn’t going to make you secretly want to vomit.

As with any dating rules, there will be exceptions. But for the most part, the L word is to be used with great caution and the complete understanding that we will pick apart any conversation in which it appears. Please proceed with caution, ok?

I would love to see the male counterpart to this conversation.

**For the record, yes I am participating in the general crazy making at this time. I would like to imagine that I’ve been restrained about it. I would also like to imagine that the whole scenario is indicative of a deep and lasting feeling Mr. Big has for me. Unfortunately, I cannot allow myself to imagine that or the crazy making will deepen. So I am generally trying to ignore it. Mostly. Sort of.

He said/She said

Here is the gist of an actual exchange, with some questionable grammar and terrible attempts at humor (his, not mine) removed.

Boy: Want to meet at a comedy club in DC sometime?

Girl: I don’t really drive into DC at all. Do you have any ideas for activities outside of DC?

Boy: Oh I don’t drive, I take the metro.

Girl: …

Need I tell you I never emailed again? I realize I used the word “drive”, but I also carefully asked if we could plan an activity not in DC. (I deliberately left that open for him so he could have the freedom to choose something else he might enjoy.) He absolutely refuses to acknowledge that. Therefore I absolutely refuse to go out with him.

Moral of the story: Attempting to bend someone to your will when trying to arrange a first date will result in no date at all.

New Dating Rule!

I have a new dating rule. That’s right, even seasoned One Date Wonders can learn new tricks of the trade. But after some personal experience and careful analysis of conversations with other women, I have developed this new important dating tenet: Once you have broken up with someone, DO NOT EVER GO BACK!

It doesn’t matter who did the breaking up. It doesn’t matter why. Once it’s over, it’s over. Walk away. Don’t look back. And for the love of Pete, do not make excuses. Do not foster illusions. Do not create little fantasies in your head about how you really can live happily ever after. It happened for a reason. Accept that and walk away. Trust me, this is the only way to retain sanity.

How did I learn this lovely little lesson? Well, you’d think the second divorce would have taught me. We had been engaged, broken it off, then got re-engaged and married. Clearly that did not end well. But no… that apparently was not sufficient. What it took to teach me this lesson once and for all was that combined with…… zombie guy.

That’s right, zombie guy. He broke it off once and I didn’t let it go. I poked it until he came back around. I held onto him. I had little fantasies about what a fun time we could have. I may have, at one point, envisioned tiny little zombies of my own. That is, right up until Sunday morning when he started to tell me all about this girl he’s been seeing and how he really likes her. I cut him off and killed the conversation. I think we both understood the problem after a moment. He apologized. So did I. We haven’t spoken since.

Am I happy? No. will I be okay? Yes. Do I have visions of future sleepovers with him? Not really. I’ve wised up. I’m walking away. No more zombie guy. Just simply….. no more. I am killing this undead chapter of my dating life once and for all.

(I just wish it didn’t sting like this. Because we barely knew each other. And yet…. this one burns just a little.)

So let me reiterate this all important lesson one more time. Because at some point in any single gal’s life, we will all contemplate the validity of this rule. We will all flirt with breaking it. Most of us even will. But it will not end well… in fact most horrible break up stories start when you get back together with your ex. So seriously. Just don’t.

Searching for something

Wow, some people out there are even worse about over analyzing their dating situations than I am. I mean, I’m pretty bad. I figured I was pretty much the worst there was. But let’s just look at a tiny section of what people are searching to end up here.

• confessions of ambivalent man - For that you’re best off talking to anyone I’ve been on a date with in the past year. Except that one guy. He’s just weird.
• why did he only ask me out on one date - Because asking you out on three at once is a little creepy?
• relationships he says let me know if you - Man, I wish I knew how this one ended. If you….. have the runs? Are in love with another man? Have a kinky fetish? The possibilities are endless.
• he would not stay with me - Oh honey, most of them won’t.
• signs your date at the movie went bad - see experience with Asian Grocery Guy. I hope that’s where you landed.
• does paying for dinner make it a date - Let me help you with that. No.
• after 1st date guy says he would like to - More of the endless possibilities. I can’t even tell you where my mind went here. Wishing I knew how this ended.
• what if he is aggressive on the first date - Did he hit you or try to get you in bed? Big difference.
• what if man says he had fun on date - Most people wonder what if he doesn’t! Be happy!
• blind date “i felt it” - I’m afraid to ask…. but felt what?
• how to get married. the rools - Whatever you’re trying to do (and then misspelling), it isn’t going to work. Surrender now.
• what does it mean when a guy doesn’t ans - This one got cut off, but I still know the answer. Girl, he’s just not that into you.
• why do eharmony matches close communication - Because they can.
• we set a date but he never called - Do you really need to search the internet to understand this one? Come on.
• thing to tell a women when your on a date - Not that you searched the internet for effective ways to woo her. Seriously.