Unintended Side Effect
Recently I was thinking how much I missed this group of gals I used to hang out with all the time. We would go to wine tastings, events, dinners, parties and just generally have a great time. I met them all at a time when I really needed some friends and I’ve been grateful for them ever since. So it startled me to realize I hadn’t done anything with them as a group in quite some time.
So I opened up Facebook (which is in fact, still the devil) and cruised on over to a few of their profiles to see what is new in their lives. And what I found were parites, events, wine tastings, dinners, and general fun. And everyone was there… except me. First I thought that maybe the events had been for different groups of their friends. No need to be paranoid after all. So I flipped through photos and laughed along with them. But then the photos revelead the ugly truth. All of my beloved girl friends were there. All except for me.
Then I realized that they don’t answer my emails anymore. And most of them have found reasons not to come when I organize something. The evidence is overwhelming. I have been cut out.
And so I’m left wondering why. I do shower and brush my teeth on a daily basis so I’m pretty sure I don’t smell. I’m always glad to see them. I care about what happens in their lives. And once upon a time when I had drama in my life, I didn’t go dumping it all over them. In fact, only one real thing has changed since these girls first welmcomed me into their group. LC.
When I met these women we were all swinging singles. Some of us were dating, some of us weren’t bothering anymore. We’d talk about vacations, bad dates, the latest guy we weren’t going to go out with again, etc. But there was more to us than that, or so I thought. Except now it’s like a Sesame Street game of “which of these is not like the others?” and the different one is me. So when they joined a new wine tasting group, no one told me. And when someone threw a crazy hat party, I wasn’t invited. I did a quick sniff test and I still smell quite delightful, so this is the only possible reason I have.
I am left to assume that when LC and I moved in together, I no longer qualified to be one of the girls. And now I’m wondering… is that really the reason I’m no longer a standard invitee when the girls are going out? Do they think LC and I are attached at the hip? Or worse, that I have nothing in common with them anymore? Did they simply never like me that much? Or am I now excluded from their social circle because I’m no longer single? Is losing my friends an unintended side effect of being with LC?
I won’t ever really know the answer. I am not rude enough to call someone up and ask why I don’t get invited to their parties anymore. And I’m not presumptuous enough to invite myself to a wine tasting or a dinner when I’ve been left off the list. I will not question why they are all mysteriously busy the night of my first party in the new apartment. Instead I will sit quietly at home with LC and nurse my wounds. And I will miss my friends.
Filed under question | Comments (11)11 Responses to “Unintended Side Effect”
Leave a Reply
I think that is sad and cannot see how you having a boyfriend has any bearing on whether or not you’d still enjoy those activities. Maybe it is jealousy that you are happy with LC now. It makes no sense why they would not invite or socialize with you suddenly.
They were definitely not true friends but more like acquaintances.
To be fair, I’m guessing. Could be they never really liked me in the first place, or perhaps I really do smell. I have no clue.
It’s not personal. It’s not jealousy. It’s the situation. As a singleton I don’t want to impose on my coupled friends. I would like to think if I was in a couple I would want to spend time with my partner and I think that you want to spend time with LC.
It’s like with my friends and family with children, I don’t have kids so I don’t know how demanding they can be on your time, therefore I err on the side of caution, maybe it comes off as not caring or distant, but I don’t know what it’s like for them. And I don’t know what living with a boyfriend means to one’s independence. It might change nothing, it might change everything. Do you want to bring him to wine tastings, dinners, events, etc or not? Will he be offended if it’s always “Girl’s Night Out” and he’s never invited? Maybe they are erring on the side of caution.
And while that may totally be the case, the event that set me off was a co-ed event. And I have since said I miss them and would like to do things together and been ignored.
The bottom line is that they may just not like me, and it might have nothing to do with LC. But I have absolutely no way of knowing.
I’ve been following your blog for a while and really enjoy your writing. I was surprised to see the update today and felt kind of like I needed to point something out. You say Facebook is the devil and it seems you don’t log on often. Could that be your problem? I’ve found that none of my friends communicate over regular email anymore. Plus, most plans are made through Facebook comments / events. Add to that, your lack up profile updates and you are likely just out of sight out of mind.
My guess is that if you made a couple comments on photos or Facebook messages, you’d soon find the “hey, where’ve you been – we need to catch up” message right back.
To sum up – I think you’re being over sensitive. Girlfriends tend to be more loyal than that.
Heh, you see my Jane Wonder facebook account. That is not, of course, my real name. My facebook profile under my actual name is quite active and is where all of these experiences actually come from. So no… that’s not going to be the reason. Also, these girls don’t invite through Facebook, they do it through email and evite. Which is why I chose email to tell them I missed them.
Funny you should write about this… I actually have a post coming up on something similar. My best friend is pregnant and I’m terrified it’s going to change our relationship. She’s experiencing something that I can’t relate to… and I’m scared it’s going to change the dynamics of our friendship.
Of course, I don’t have the answer to why it happens… so I’m pretty useless in having an answer to your situation. But just know you’re not alone. Unfortunately, I just think it’s a part of life. A rather shitty part at that.
My best friend has two beautiful girls and one of them is my goddaughter. Yes, her having children is going to change the dynamic of your riendship. But if you make up your mind that change is okay, it doesn’t have to damage it. It will just evolve.
The same thing happened to me after I had kids. It was hard, but I forged new friendships. Ones that made sense. And then my old friends started having kids and started understanding… and now we’re back. I hope you have good luck in the friend arena. :hug:
Well thanks. I’m pondering just taking a more direct approach with them but I’m still not sure.
Ms. Wonder,
Try planning a catch up dinner one on one with each of the girls, generally if you catch up one on one, the invites will start coming back in slowly. Maybe you have been busy and you didn’t know it? You haven’t been blogging as much lately either.
Hopefully its just a small misundertanding and you will have your friends back, if not new friends are always availible
This is actually a really good suggestion. Better than randomly whining that I never see them anymore for sure!
Oh, I’m so happy that you have a new post! I missed your writing. I would say, yes, life changes and circumstances change, but friendships are a 2-way street.
Why not reach out to them? What harm is giving a friend a call to meet for a glass of wine? (I’m totally guessing here — but maybe some of them got their feelings hurt when you stopped calling them/joining them for social functions in lieu of being with LC? – They’d probably be thrilled to hear from you again — and don’t worry – we ALL go through that Cocooning-with-our-new-love stage. )
BUT even though you have an awesome live-in boyfriend, no man can fill the shoes of a really great girlfriend, and we need them both! So just try – my guess is that they would be thrilled to hear from you again.
Oh I never want to lose my girlfriends! I think I’ll try doing smaller one on ones with them and see how it goes. Good idea.
The only thing you can do is start meeting them up for no obvious reason. You might find are they really trying to avoid you or what?
It’s a good suggestion. I’m going to try randomly setting up dinner dates and seeing where it goes.
Jane, that is weird that a whole group of people have ousted you! Being perpetually single myself, I have experienced being “ousted” at times, and only for a time, from individuals when they (1) get married; (2)get a new boyfriend; or (3) have a baby. Their lives are so consummed by this developmental change that they don’t have much time for me anymore. Eventually they come back around when their new situation calms. I have had to learn lots of patients and understanding with my friends in this area.
So I wonder if they have felt ousted by you if you have been very focused on JC? Maybe they felt you were no longer interested in them. But still, strange that it would be a whole group of people, unless somehow they are in cahoots with each other.
Either way, it is painful to lose friends. I think your idea of making one-on-one contact is an excellent approach and you will most likely get somewhere with that. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
I’m not sure why it happened. And I guess it’s not so much a whole group as it is two or three folks. Of course, there is also the possibility that they never liked me that much to begin with I suppose.
That’s unfortunate. I don’t think you smell. Plus, it’s so hard to _make_ new friends as we get older. I hope the one-on-one plan works.
I mean, *maybe* I smell. I’m wearing a new perfume and all…
How odd that the first post you write in ages and the first one I read is very similar to what I find has happened to myself most recently. Of course I’ve been ‘dumped’ by web friends and not in person friends but I still enjoyed their ‘company’ non the less.
Unlike you I have been ‘rude’ enough lol to send an e-mail and inquire why the sudden cold shoulder but I’ve gotten no response. I know with a new bf and a new job life got busy and I’ve not been as active online, but I can’t imagine that being a reason to just brush someone off like they were no one.
I hope you find answers to your friends actions, I know in spite of all the wonderful blessings that have come my way being ‘unfriended’ has definitely put a bit of a dent in my happy. =(