Trust
Trust is…. well, weird. It’s fragile. It’s easily destroyed. And yet it is the cornerstone of most relationships we have. That seems an awfully weighty job for something that breaks so easily. But then, trust is also up for individual interpretation. Some people trust easily and trust long. Some people never learn to trust. And some people switch between trusting and not trusting when a butterfly flaps its wings in China. Or something. And pretty much everything in between too.
Once I had a friend who I was just getting to know. They told me something important and confidential. I meant to help, sure. But the bottom line was that I blabbed. And to a very unfortunate person. Trust was lost. The friendship never really developed after that. Maybe because I broke the trust. Or maybe because I couldn’t let go of the fact that I did it. Maybe because I was overly sensitive of trust issues and just tanked the whole thing. Trust is just funny like that.
Trust in a romantic relationship is even funnier. For me, I trust slowly. In the beginning, I tend to believe everything is crap unless proven otherwise. I look for holes in the armor. I look for reasons not to trust. But eventually, at some mystical point, a man magically proves himself to me. And then there is trust.
At that point, once upon a time, there used to always be trust forever after. Unless there was some pretty hard black and white proof that there shouldn’t be. It used to be that from that point of trust, I would simply choose to believe what that man told me. Even if it didn’t always make sense. Even if I wasn’t always sure. Because he was my partner and I trusted him.
Of course, someone wrecked that. In quite a fantastic way. And now, well now I can’t seem to make myself believe anything anymore. If faced with a situation where something seems wrong, I will believe that. No matter what he says. No matter who he is. No matter how badly I hate being this way.
And is that really fair? Should every man from now until whenever really have to pay because one man shattered my trust all those years ago? Am I beyond believing my spidey sense and going with my gut and into ridiculousness now? Have I forgotten how to trust?
Trust is a decision. It’s a conscious choice we make with people in our lives. And sometimes, when presented with a situation, it’s right there staring you in the face. Do I choose to trust or not?
So my dears, it’s time for another question for you. How do you choose to trust? How do you choose not to? When do you start and stop? Talk to me about trust and how it works in your lives. Inquiring minds want to know.
Filed under question | Comments (9)9 Responses to “Trust”
Leave a Reply
Great topic. I used to trust everyone until I had a reason not to. Once I got screwed over by my ex, I began having a hard time trusting in romantic relationships, but still trust everyone in non-romantic relationships until proven otherwise.
My kicker is that once you’ve lost my trust, it’s gone. With 300 million people in this world, I figure there’s enough good people out there that second chances aren’t worth it. Yes, that’s cynical…but it’s honest.
I would call you cynical, but that would kind of make me the pot and you the kettle. So I won’t.
I would say that treating not trusting as a state of being is actually hurting you more than anyone. I have had men cheat on me and unfortunately for them (and often me) I am very sensitive and often know things I couldn’t possibly. Back then it was just a knowing while now, I actually do psychic readings for friends… but I digress. I recall living with those feelings of mistrust for a long time. It was an awful feeling. They made me question myself and my worth more than anything.
In my latest relationship, however, the guy is so trustworthy it is ridiculous but in the beginning I was so skeptical of this. But I’ve finally let it go. I can’t get a read on him at all in a sixth sense sort of way. And I find, when I can’t read someone, it means that there is just nothing there to read.
I would say, listen to your intuition. It will tell you if there is something you need to know. But if you don’t have a pretty strong gut feeling that something is wrong, try to enjoy the person until he gives you a real reason not to.
Good luck with your endeavors.
But then what if your gut gets injured and starts saying that everyone is going to let you down somehow and you just need to figure out how and how bad it is?
While I always hope for the best, I prepare for the worst.
Meaning, I trust no one.
And see, when faced with it put so bluntly, I have to wonder if the previous commenter has a point. Are you really hurting yourself with that mentality?
People will believe anything if 1) they want it to be true or 2) they are afraid that it is true.
It is probably natural that you, having been hurt with a betrayal of trust in the past, are cynical and quick to fear that something relatively small is indicative of something much larger – and then BAM! suddenly, it must be true. It is human nature.
However, I’m going to agree with the previous commenter. You’ve got intuition – and that wasn’t destroyed or ruined. Can you tell the difference between when you’re REALLY getting a gut feeling that someone is not being honest with you and when you think you may be inserting your own suspicions? I know that’s a hard question because it if were that easy, this may not be a problem – but is there some part of you that can still tell the difference?
One of my parents cheated on the other. As a result, I’m wary of anything that indicates disloyalty. And, for example, there are things that happened with Besos while we were dating that, if I did not trust her loyalty, would have driven me bonkers. But some part of me *knew* she was a loyal person. My gut told me she was and is. Even having my weird issue, I could still feel my gut telling me something. It didn’t *choose* to trust her as much as I just realized that I really *did* trust her. I don’t think you can *choose* to trust someone as much as you can control your reaction to your own feelings of mistrust – in a way that does not unfairly burden them. Because it really does burden the other person to suddenly have to tiptoe around issues they have not created.
So I guess you have to trust your gut and if you find yourself getting anxious about something, ask your gut what it thinks – and then behave accordingly despite the anxiety. It’s natural to feel anxious.
I always remember the first thing I said in this comment and I ask myself if I’m believing something out of the fear that it is true and my desire to cope with it immediately to begin healing immediately.
-R.
That’s a lot to think about, actually. Although right now the only thing my gut is telling me is that I skipped breakfast. It might be telling the woman sitting next to me too. Yikes.
Below is basically what I wanted to tell you works for me in my life, I cut and paste since it was written better then I could explain myself, further stop labeling yourself as not trusting, etc, that’s a bad habit:
Trust yourself to be okay if you are betrayed. In many cases, the fear of trusting another person is more about your own fear of not being able to handle a betrayal. If you fear you will fall apart if the other person breaks your trust, you will be less likely to trust again. However, if you are confident you are going to be okay even if the other person lets you down, it will be much easier for you to learn to trust again.
Also a lot to think about. Isn’t trusting yourself sometimes even harder than trusting others? Or is that just me?
I have never trusted people blindly, but so far I haven’t (to my knowledge) been screwed over. Or, maybe once but I’m not gonna dwell on that asshole. Altough, my faith has been rocked in its foundation because I did something I’ve always said I would never do.
It has tweaked my senses. I thought I could blindly trust myself but I can’t (or couldn’t). I dunno, maybe it has opened my eyes a little regarding how my loved one could act in certain situations and made me more forgiving if something like it would happen from my bf’s side.
Trust is one of the hardest things to put your finger on, and intuition is priceless.
I still feel intuition is a double edged sword though. It can get lost behind fear and overthinking.
Trust comes slowly to me, too…it’s something that has to be “proven”…up until that point I am mistrustful and cynical. Like you, I look for cracks in the armour, for reasons that make me go, “AHA! I was right all along!!”
It’s an exhausting way to live…because quite frankly, if you want to be mistrustful, you can always find a reason.
The worst is that all while looking for those cracks, are you really want is to be wrong and for everything to check out. And yet you always seem to find what you were looking for. You’re right, it’s exhausting.
I just started reading your blog and even though I have only read a few entries, I love it. It is spot on. One thing I wanted to comment on is what you said here:
“Trust in a romantic relationship is even funnier. For me, I trust slowly. In the beginning, I tend to believe everything is crap unless proven otherwise. I look for holes in the armor.”
I couldn’t agree more. I have had my trust broken fantastically before and now I look at most people like they are guilty, until proven innocent. Please keep it up – your blog is now part of my routine. And good luck with the moving in situation.
Well thank you! And just a word about the trust thing… be careful. Being distrustful does its own damage too.
I have been married two years and I still look and look and find nothing. I torture myself and for no reason. My husband is an open book,he hides nothing, even if its something I won’t be happy about (not bad things, just things I wouldn’t perfer.) What am I expecting to find??? Maybe I should just trust that if he did betray me it would come to the light of day without me digging for it. Instead I search for betrayal and erode my self image more and more in the process.