Fall
Traditionally fall is a season of change for me. Leaves fall, school years begin, and major life changes take place. In fall I have started new jobs, gotten divorced, met people who will change my life, and sold my house. It’s something about the season that just equals life changes for me like no other. It’s my season, even though in later years it has often been a painful one. I love the cooler temperatures and the trees changing colors. I just love the smell of it. Even though fall has hurt me so often, it is somehow fundamental to who I am.
This fall I can feel things shifting. Things inside me are moving and changing under my skin. I don’t know yet if it’s for the best, but it’s happening.
Last fall I met LC. In fact, in 6 days it will be exactly one year since we met. This fall I am supposed to be giving notice at my apartment. The place that has been all mine, my very first living space that ever was just for me… I’m supposed to promise to leave it this fall. That is the plan. LC and I have looked at apartments, talked about what goes into storage and what stays, and decided which bed we’re going to sleep in. We have a plan.
Last night I asked LC why he wanted to move in with me. He said “Because I like spending time with you.” It was dark and he couldn’t see my face. There was silence. LC broke the silence to ask why I wanted to move in with him. I told him “Because I love you and I want to start building a life with you.” And then I wondered if he could see the difference too. Because now it’s something I can’t forget.
Some year I’ll probably start to hate the fall. I wonder if this year will be it.
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I love the fall, too, and see it as a season have changed. If you don’t feel 100% about moving in with LC, have you considered postponing it another six months, maybe?
It’s move now or move in a year. I can only afford a 12 month lease honestly. But the real thing is how he feels about me. I mean, if that’s the sum total of how he feels, then moving is not the fundamental question.
Fall has always been a time of change for me as well.
If you find yourself with questions about LC, then my vote (even though you didn’t ask for it) is to wait on the moving. I know that the choice is move now or in a year, but as you said yourself, because of his response, moving is not the fundamental question here. And with a question that big, why make such a radical change?
I’m not even worried about whether or not to move right now. I’m worried about whether or not to stay. With that looming, moving is not a decision to be made right now.
Well, is a year so bad to wait? I mean, he should still be around in a year if it was meant to be, no? I say just be true to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and you shouldn’t force anything on yourself. That’s all.
I’m not saying that waiting a year is bad. In fact, this post is not about doubts about whether or not to move. It’s about the foundations of our relationship. Moving isn’t in question here.
Oh Darlin, you know that old email where the woman is all freaked out cuz her man is quiet all throughout dinner, thinking something is wrong, he’s mad at her? Then it ends with him thinking about his golf game that day.
One thing to know – LC isn’t being FORCED into moving in with you, he is doing it because he wants to. He may not have the perfect words to express it, but his actions should be speaking louder than his words.
Much love Jane. Much love.
QT
I had a long response typed here, but it’s more than I want to say publicly. I’ll email you.
Jane, don’t do it. You deserve a guy who’s completely and totally into you, for one. And for two, relationships don’t work out when the two people are not completely and totally into each other.
Give it more time with him if you need to, to see if he gets more into you, but don’t move in together.
Besides, studies show that people who move in together are very likely to get married and then divorced, as opposed to couples who get married without moving in together.
It’s not as black and white as all that. I don’t know that he isn’t totally into me. I just don’t know that he is. Honestly, I don’t have enough info to make a choice here… about anything.
Men think so much differently than women do. That was his way of saying, “I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.” It just didn’t come out that way. Or at least we can pretend….
I’m just a chick scared of deluding myself. But yes, sometimes men deal with this stuff entirely differently than women expect them to. That is true.
Are you sure he isn’t “in” to you and it isn’t the right relationship? Seems to me like he was put on the spot and just answered rationally and factually…like many men I know
I actually didn’t say a word about him not being into me. I just stated that the conversation concerned me. You might consider that this may not have been an isolated incident though.
So maybe, just maybe you are terrified of this move and looking for reasons to not do it?
Am I afraid of the move? Yes. Am I looking for a way out? No. Not moving never occurred to me until very recently, and I certainly wasn’t seeking out that path.
One thing I’ve learned is to listen to those “gut messages.” True, men cant/dont/wont voice their feelings the same as women do, but if you hear little bells with his answer, proceed carefully.
I get the “this is my first living space” and its hard to give that up to move in together.
Hang in there!
It did scare me, but more because of other circumstances I’d been struggling with. Honestly we’ve been talking about it since and I feel calmer now. What he’s had to say about it since then rings very true and was very comforting.
so…what i think would be helpful is if you play the “what if?” game all the way out. what if you move and don’t end up spending the rest of your life with him? what if you move only to later find the truth that he’s not going to build a life with you, but he just wants to spend time with you? play it all the way to the end. i think you’ll find that you’re gonna be okay either way in the end.
That’s a very valid point. I guess I’m just a worrier and was trying to protect myself from the trouble if it did play out that way. But then, there’s always the fundamental truth of no risk, no reward.