One Year Ago
One year ago last week, I decided to accept a date with a guy I wasn’t sure of. Our communications had been stop and start, but they had started again and he seemed nice enough. I hedged accepting the date since he was rather short. But I wasn’t making any effort to set up dates myself anymore and I decided maybe I was being superficial anyway. So I said yes.
One year ago last weekend, I was examining his online photos. I couldn’t tell exactly what he looked like as they weren’t necessarily the best things in the world. He might have been cute or he might have been funny looking. I was hoping for cute. I was bracing for funny looking.
One year ago last weekend, I almost canceled our date and decided never to go out with him. He told me about his divorce and it hadn’t been as far away as I might have liked. I was afraid of rebounds or lingering attachments. My own healing process was still fresh in my mind. I almost called things off, but then I didn’t. What harm could one date do anyway, right?
One year ago today, I met him for brunch. We were the same height. And he was totally cute and not funny looking. I wore a top I would later learn was flashing him a bit too much cleavage when I leaned forward. He didn’t stare.
One year ago today, we were having such a good conversation over brunch that we moved downstairs to the bar area and kept talking. That date lasted about six hours. For the most part, I forgot he was short. And I wondered why I’d let our initial conversations be so stop and start.
One year ago today, I was too cautious to imagine what might come of a six hour date with a cute guy who was my height. I did like that he picked up the tab and walked me to my car. I liked the hug he gave me as we said goodbye. I liked that he followed up with me immediately to ask me out again. But I was too careful to imagine what might happen next.
One year ago today, I met LC. I remember every detail of that date. I remember what we wore, what we ate, and what we drank. I remember how good the conversation was. I remember thinking maybe the height thing wasn’t so big a deal… maybe.I remember thinking he seemed pretty well adjusted about his divorce after all. I remember looking for what would be wrong this time that would make it not work.
What I don’t remember is ever imagining that one year later we’d still be together. That height really wouldn’t be a big deal. That I would eventually be filled with hope. That we would be strong enough to overcome so many obstacles together. And yet, here we are.
What happened last week was a miscommunication. I still find hoping and believing to be difficult, and sometimes I react first and ask questions later. LC and I have done a lot of soul searching together in the past week or so. But I think it all boils down to something he said to me in the dark this last Thursday night, just before we fell asleep. Just like that, he told me his life is better because I’m in it.
One year ago today I could never have imagined how much I would love him or how much I would want to remain in his life. But today, I know. And I do. And I will. One year ago today we started something great. Here’s hoping there will be many more years of looking back at it all fondly and looking forward to what may come.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (10)Fall
Traditionally fall is a season of change for me. Leaves fall, school years begin, and major life changes take place. In fall I have started new jobs, gotten divorced, met people who will change my life, and sold my house. It’s something about the season that just equals life changes for me like no other. It’s my season, even though in later years it has often been a painful one. I love the cooler temperatures and the trees changing colors. I just love the smell of it. Even though fall has hurt me so often, it is somehow fundamental to who I am.
This fall I can feel things shifting. Things inside me are moving and changing under my skin. I don’t know yet if it’s for the best, but it’s happening.
Last fall I met LC. In fact, in 6 days it will be exactly one year since we met. This fall I am supposed to be giving notice at my apartment. The place that has been all mine, my very first living space that ever was just for me… I’m supposed to promise to leave it this fall. That is the plan. LC and I have looked at apartments, talked about what goes into storage and what stays, and decided which bed we’re going to sleep in. We have a plan.
Last night I asked LC why he wanted to move in with me. He said “Because I like spending time with you.” It was dark and he couldn’t see my face. There was silence. LC broke the silence to ask why I wanted to move in with him. I told him “Because I love you and I want to start building a life with you.” And then I wondered if he could see the difference too. Because now it’s something I can’t forget.
Some year I’ll probably start to hate the fall. I wonder if this year will be it.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (9)Good Timing
You all know I don’t necessarily prescribe to ideas of so-called dating experts and the like. However, you also know that when I manage to let my guard down, I am capable of recognizing the good someone else can do for me. Maybe even let in a new idea or two.
And so it is, without much other explanation, that I will tell you I stumbled across this article this morning. And I think I really needed to see that.
Sometimes my own worst enemy is just me.
Filed under advice | Comments (5)Even in Imperfection
These days I’m in new territory. Uncharted waters, you might say.For the first time since… well, since I was in college quite frankly… I am not trying to run from something.
LC and I have been hitting our first real bump in the road lately. I know I know, we had all those breakups and stuff. But that was before, and this is now. That was a life we don’t even remember all that much anymore. We’re in such a different place. And in our new and different place, we finally lost our harmony for a little bit.
I’m not going to hash over what’s been going on. It’s really irrelevant. Just trust me when I say that it has been (and probably will be for a bit longer) the first test of what we are and what we hope to become together. After almost a year (!!!) of dating, it’s probably kind of overdue, to be honest.
So here we are, and we’re both struggling a bit. And things started to churn around in my head. Things about how I’ve handled the tough stuff in the past. Hell, even in my last marriage. Things about what my new steps should be. And then it happened. I was floating off in my own head churning in some deep internal waters, and LC made me pay attention again.
He said, “I love you and I want to work this out together.” And I knew.
I knew that for once, I didn’t want to run. I knew that this time, I wanted to work it out together too. For once in my one date wonder of a life, I wasn’t threatening to leave or wondering what I should move on to. I wasn’t picturing how my life could be without him. For once, I wanted to work things out too.
I realized a life without LC would be… well, something I don’t want to think about. And even if I could fabricate all the “right reasons” in the world for picking up and leaving (which I can’t, by the way), if I did that I would simply miss him too much. My days would drag by without his emails. My nights would stretch on without his company. I’d lose my head every time there was a wine dinner or a cool event that we could no longer go to together. He would leave a giant LC-shaped hole in my life and it simply wouldn’t be okay.
And when I knew that, when I really knew? It was okay. Sure, it doesn’t make all the rough magically disappear. But the rough, it’s okay. It happens. And working through it together sounds downright fun compared to losing what I have found.
So yeah, maybe everything isn’t absolutely coming up roses right now. But it will be again soon. And even though everything isn’t totally perfect right now, I know I’m right where I belong. And I’m able to be happy even in our imperfection.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (4)
