Time heals?
All of this rain makes me pensive. For some reason it always has. This morning I’m wondering if there’s really a problem at all.
We’ve been spending almost every night together. I fall asleep touching him. I wake up and roll into his arms. We’ve done big things… shopping trips, festivals, wine tastings. And we’ve done little things… hikes, movies in, cooking dinner. He continues to invite me over. He assumes I will stay the night. He tells me he wants me there because he knows I need to hear it now. He reaches for me as we watch TV in the evening and nestles my head against his chest then leans over to kiss my forehead.
And still I remember the way things used to be. When we were out in the sunshine and he would embrace me and kiss me passionately, not caring who saw. When he would tell me he loved me all the time. When we would go places and people could just see we were in love. When he would stand on every mountain both virtual and real and shout out that we were together.
Except then there was always something in the way. Always someone else. Always a choice to be made. These days there are no more decisions… just him and me. And I can’t help but notice that he barely touches me in public. That he rarely says I love you first. That he doesn’t kiss me like he used to. That he gets impatient when I want to talk about it.
In some ways we are closer than we’ve ever been. In other ways I feel isolated. And I think, maybe it’s not fair to think after a few short weeks that it will all just be like it used to. And then I think maybe he liked me better when he thought he couldn’t have me. I worry that maybe I am a story that he just wants to see the ending of. Then I think I shouldn’t post this here because maybe, he might see it. But now I think maybe that doesn’t matter so much anymore.
We are planning vacations together. We are spending most evenings and nights together. In some ways, we have more of each other than we’ve ever had. And in some ways I still feel cut off and I still long for the way he used to love me.
This morning I just needed to tell someone, and so I tell you. I don’t want my neediness to drive him off. I don’t want to ruin our chance of healing. I try not to mention this to him too much. I’m not running away from him nor do I want to. I just want that love that I remember to come back to me. And I’m hoping all it needs is time.
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do you ever wonder if you’ve come too far from those passionate kisses in public? that you’ve gone through too much turmoil to ever get back to that “hard boil” you rolled with in the beginning? is a low simmer enough now to sustain you?
That’s really two separate questions: Is there too much damage for the relationship to ever be the same? and Will I be happy with a lower level of passion? I hope not on the first one, and maybe with time for the second.
Hi – you don’t know me, and I don’t really know you except for what I have read on your site. But here is my suggestion for today: Enjoy where you are today. It may not be where you were, but maybe your relationship needs to forge a new path this time to explore a future together. I wish you all happiness.
Well thank you! And now I know you too.
Please don’t get mad but I think there is a reason things haven’t worked out between you and LC. I think you are settling for him. When you are truely honest with yourself – would you have gone back to him if Big hadn’t called things off?
Is this really more about you knowing he isn’t the guy for you but you are afraid to be alone? I know popular thinking is “enjoy the moment” and don’t overthink. And I am pretty sure I have even commented that to you before. But as I’m going through it myself what I’m learning is to quit settling. That doubt comes from somewhere.
Being alone is scary. And hard. And it sucks. But maybe it’s time you tried it.
Isn’t it funny how we project our own feelings onto other people?
If anything, I was settling for Big. I have never had to settle for LC. So no, that’s not the cause of this. And no, I’m not with him because I’m afraid to be alone. I’m with him because every day of that month we were apart I thought about how much more fun I would have had doing whatever it was with him. And every time Big and I did something, I thought about what LC and I would do if it were him instead. So no, not settling. And honestly, you have no idea how much time I’ve spent alone.
But good for you for watching that point for yourself and learning to be alone and not settle.
Hi, I enjoy your writing and pop in from time to time to see what is going on in your interesting life/procrastinate doing work. But I have to say, I’m thoroughly confused… I thought you had broken up with the last guy for good FOR GOOD? And now I’m reading that your in his arms every night… I am REALLY confused. I obviously need to check in more often! Keep on writing!
I broke up with Big for good. We haven’t even really spoken in the past 4 weeks or so. This is LC. But feel free to check in on me more often.
I have learned a hard lesson, and that is holding feelings in, without open communication, and the strength of showing vulnerability. I don’t believe that stating our fears, by talking about how we feel, and why, shows neediness, but rather strength. What does show neediness is the actions and reactions we use to cover up those feelings, mostly stemming from our wild imaginations, and the over-thinking that we women are famous for. At least I am.
When I am with others, I can feel their energy, and when their energy is stemming from fear, or anger, or pulling away, but yet they try to act, or say everything is okay, I know they are not being honest, which in turn I start to feel anger, fear, etc., and a vicious cycle begins, and trust diminishes.
I don’t believe any relationship is beyond the point of no return, unless one or both partners chose for it to be, and neither of you have made that choice. I believe that any stumbling block that to people make it through, has the potential to make the relationship and bond stronger, as long as you are honest and open with one another, because I believe that is the only way to build trust.
You two can make it through, if you want it bad enough, and one day you can look back on all this with a smile on your face.
Well, I truly hope so. The only reason I’m holding anything back is because he’s not into talking about it right now. We’ve had a lot of upheaval and he is just craving some smooth sailing. If things don’t blow over, I’ll eventually mention it. But right now I just want to be happy together and I think maybe having some easy times will help smooth out this wrinkle.
i’m lost too…how did everyone figure out this is LC? oh well, i will try to keep up better.
It’s my fault… I haven’t been very obvious lately. Best way if I’m too cryptic is to check the category. This one’s filed under LC.
OMG thank GOD this is LC and not Mr. Big.. I honestly was about to scream at my computer screen when I thought you were back with Mr. Big. LOL Wow, I think I take your dating life too seriously. I might need to re-think this. Seriously, though, I was so worried for you. I’m glad you are moving foward. I’m also glad to see you’re not “settling” for LC. You are a woman who seems to know what she needs/wants. You certainly deserve the best.
Nope, still not speaking to Big. No worries. He will not be coming back, I promise.
Have you always been so impatient?
Big sucks.
Let yourself BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYY Jane, because you are sometimes, your own worst enemy.
And still, I love you. *sigh*
It’s getting easier every day. We both need a little healing is all.
Easy times would be good. I wish that for both of you.
I have so much hope for us. I know we can do it.
Well, it’s just my opinion, but it doesn’t sound to me like you’re being needy.
Expressing how the relationship affects you (you are a part of the relationship after all) seems, to me, to be perfectly fair. For some reason, when I’m in relationship with someone and we are ignoring the elephant under the rug or trying to shove down feelings — that broadcasts a needy feeling… like we NEED to talk, we NEED to sort this out, we NEED to fix what’s broken, we NEED to figure out how we can love each other better. *grin*
But then, you’ve read my blog (LOL) — you know that I’m a big one for non-blaming/common ground finding communication no matter how hard it seems at the time.
No shoulds or shouldn’ts here. Time does tend to illuminate a variety of things. You are incredibly brave IMHO — 1. to publicly explore your personal feelings in and around relationship and 2. to keep after what you want instead of settling for something less than.
We’re each repairing in our own ways. I think a little time will help smooth out whatever rough patches still exist. But I’m very happy we’ll be doing it together. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Oh goodness I’ve been in this place before. I know exactly how you feel. I hate that feeling.
It’s getting better every day. Time may be the answer.
I can’t believe no one else has mentioned this.. but maybe he’s just holding himself back for fear you’ll dump him again and run off with ‘the other guy’.
I know that sounds harsh but well it’s kind of what you did. This guy was ready to offer you the world and you bolted for a jerk who didn’t deserve to be in the same space as you.
I have to stop you to point out that that’s not why we broke up. I had told Big we would just be friends and walked away from him. We broke over the Facebook bitch. So in all fairness, it not only was a little harsh, but it’s also not true.
I say just stay constant, let him know you really want HIM, that you have no plans to go anywhere, or be with anyone else and in time I think he’ll come back around.
Girls aren’t the only ones who ‘hold back how they feel’ for fear of being rejected =)
It’s hard because he had said and done some things that left me with the feeling that it was to give himself the chance to reject me. Luckily, we’re not really there any more.