In the light of morning
In the light of morning, I feel like I should explain a few things. Please don’t take this to mean I am any happier or more at peace. I’m not. In fact, I feel physically ill. Still, this bears saying.
I’ve known Big for a year and a half. We have been together in various forms for that long. During that time, I’ve often been less than happy with how things were. I have rarely told him so. Early on in our past, I told him I wouldn’t try to change him. I pledged to take everything he said at face value and only try to regulate my own reactions and actions. So, for instance, last summer and fall when I so deperately wanted more from him, I never said so. Instead I worked very hard to convince myself that every sign he may have wanted more was a trick of my imagination. I told myself over and over that he’d never want me. I wrote it all here. But I never asked him, talked to him, or gave him the benefit of the doubt. Not once.
What you see, what you read, what you know… it comes from where I am. For better or for worse, that’s the nature of this kind of writing. You know what I choose to show you. And most of what I show you is internal. So what you know of Big, it’s colored by my issues, our miscommunications, and everything I’ve bottled up for so long.
I’m trying to be better.
Last night I told Big things have to change if we’re going to make it. What I didn’t tell you is that he agreed. I said we have to spend more time together. He agreed. I said I can’t do things the way we have been and we won’t make it without that change. He said everything will be okay.
What you see here is my fundamental belief that nothing will ever truly be okay. But that’s not so much about Big as it is about me. I know it, but maybe you don’t. So I figured it bears saying out loud. Many of you have developed very unflattering images of what Big is. But those are built on my own hurt. And that hurt hasn’t always been his fault. I am to blame too. For not speaking up when I should have. For not telling him what I need. For convincing myself he will never care enough. For telling myself it’ll never work. For doing those things instead of opening up and letting him in. I am as much to blame, if not more.
Yes, I feel like everything has been on his terms since I met him. Yes, I am resentful. No, I have never been clear about that with him. So in some ways, it’s not fair for me to get angry since I never told him it was a problem in the first place. (And yes, in some ways he simply should have known better.) My point is that he’s not a villain. He’s not perfect, but he’s also not a complete ass.
The move to a new apartment was not about me. Our time was a perk but it wasn’t the reason. And that was at my request. So the move back, it shouldn’t be about me either. He hated the apartment, hands down. It wasn’t aimed at me.
And yet, we all know it hit me. We all know how I feel. And yes, Big knows too. Today I am going to try to open up more with him. I’m going to try to tell him why I’m hurting. I am going to try to get concrete solutions to these issues. I’m going to ask for the change I need. And I’m terrified, but I’m going to do my best here. I don’t know what will happen. As always, I assume the worst. So what I really need is for you to hope for the best. Because I’m a little too broken to manage that right now.
Thanks for understanding.
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Here’s hoping for the best! I really hope it turns out to your liking and you feel better soon. Relationships can so complcated can’t they?
Thanks hon. They really can. I keep believing they won’t be, but they are.
You have the core belief that you are not good enough, and that you were meant to spend your life alone, therefore, you self-sabotage yourself all along the way. How do I know, because reading your blog is like reading about me.
One thing I learned, in a very hard, painful way, through my last failed relationship is, you have to be able to “love like you have never been hurt”. You have to have honesty, trust and vulnerability, in order to form any type of intimacy, or trust from the other person. You have to communicate your needs, and feelings, before they build up. That is not trying to change the other person, if you are stating them through how you feel, rather than demanding, or pointing a finger, neither of which will get you anywhere, but alone.
Just like an alcoholic that must first accept, and acknowledge that they are an alcoholic, that was the first baby step for me. Now I am learning what some of those core beliefs are, and where they originated. Because of that, I am beginning to recognize when they rear their ugly head, and learning to change my reactions to them.
Best Wishes, you will come through it to the other side. I know you will.
This hits uncomfortably close to home.
I totally agree with searchingwithin
He is an ass. Me no likey. A good person that loves you wouldn’t dick you around like he has.
You deserve better than that, and deep down inside, I think you know this.
I just don’t agree that he’s an ass. I told him what I need and now we need to see if he does it. If he doesn’t, then I’ll have to leave. But he needs the chance to do it first.
*Sigh* I’ve been away and just got caught up.
I’m sorry. I think searchingwithin has a great point, about loving like you’ve never been hurt. It’s a damn hard thing to do. I am, of course, sending all my love your way.
I miss you. I think our next vacation should be together.
I’m so sorry to hear it. Anything else I can say feels cliche. I send you good thoughts and hugs.
Well thanks. That means a lot.
Oh this sounds so much like my last relationship too. And it lasted a year and a half too.
*sigh*
I so get this. I also so get the wanting to explain to your readers that this picture you’ve painted of him is only your perception.
I get it.
I hurt for you.
But I promise you, it will get better.
It will indeed. Now that he’s gone for good.