The Truth About Online Dating
With more and more people going online to look for dates, the cries about online dating and how much it sucks are increasing. Every day I hear someone saying how disgruntled or unhappy they are with the process. Or worse yet, I hear people saying “Dating sucks!” and just flat out threatening to give up. So I thought maybe someone out there could benefit from some down to earth wisdom about dating, online dating, and what to expect.
First let’s consider the offline dating world. You walk down the street every day and see people you find attractive. You may have a nice chat with a guy in your coffee shop, and share a smile with someone in the hallways at work. The point is, it happens all the time. What doesn’t happen is an exchange of phone numbers or some serious chatting up. Most of us enjoy these little encounters but never make them into something more. Most of us also spot people every day we would never date. Maybe they are rude or simply unattractive. But in our mind, we know that just wouldn’t be happening. Mentally, you pick and choose even if you never act on it.
Online, there is less to lose. You don’t have to look someone in the eye when you ask for their phone number. You don’t have to face someone in the hallway at work after they blow you off. Your risk is considerably lower. And so the natural inhibitions that keep us from just asking out that hot single gal waiting to cross the street one morning… they don’t apply.
Now, because our inhibitions are lower, we encounter more rejections and more people we are not going to be interested in. Just like there are whole populations of people in the world you wouldn’t want to date, so are there online. It’s just that online, you are more likely to run into them asking you for a date.
So here is the truth… the truth of online dating. You will have more bad dates than good. You will have more bad emails than good. You will get rejected more often than you are accepted. It’s not because you’re fat and ugly, or stupid and undesireable. It’s not because there is something wrong with you. It’s because that’s just the way it is. And if you aren’t prepared for that you really shouldn’t play.
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Same thing happens with playing poker onine. People think it’s rigged because they get many more bad beats. Truth is you are playing 10x the amount of hands per hour so everything, good and bad, is magnified. And people tend to remember the suckouts and not all the plain vanilla pots won. Weird comparision, but trust me, same principle.
No, I get it completely. It is EXACTLY like that!
Personally, I find the “beauty” of online dating to be that here is a whole pool of available people looking for other available people. Once you get past the “picking from a catalog” feel – which is still a little weird – then you’ve get to the weeding process. As we get older our social interactions lessen (ie – I’m not hanging out at a bar every night) so it provides that outlet. Also, a lot of the online dating websites sponsor local events, etc, if you are more of a “meet in person” kinda guy/gal.
I’d say online dating is a necessary evil but it’s something more than that. It’s courtship for the next generation.
And I agree, but it’s a different environment than meeting in more traditional ways and I feel that people should understand that up front. Just know what it entails, you know? And I think a lot of us like the idea, but go in unprepared for the reality of it.
I’m starting to THINK about online dating so this post was great! I’m just such a sucker for “meeting cute” that I don’t know if I’d want to go the online dating route, which is ridiculous since so much of our lives are online nowadays!
I don’t think online dating is a bad idea, I think you just need to understand what you’re dealing with ahead of time.
Two things I want to know about a guy I’m dating is “Are you Catholic?” and “Are you a Democrat?” (The successful applicant will say yes to both. Or at least they won’t be a Republican. Or if they are, I’ll know that up front.) Online dating has brought me the best guys I’ve ever dated, and a couple of fun horror stories. (Sandals with socks _when it was snowing_!) Although I’m convinced that if you’re dating in your 30s, most if not all the guys are crazy.
Oh I concur. I wasn’t downing the people to be found there, just saying it’s a different situation and people should be prepared.
Oh, I meant to say, re: the Catholic/Democrat thing is that I find online dating a useful screening tool, and a good way to find out things up front that it would be hard to casually work into a first conversation.
Heh, I knew what you meant. Although I think those are perfectly okay things to flat out ask on a first date if they’re really important to you.
I really needed to hear that last paragraph from someone in the single world. Dating has been non-existent for way too long. When I have my moments of self pity I always think those things.
I am pretending to try the online dating, but really I do not have time for the weeding…so I guess it means that I am still not ready to date.
That’s not what I said. I said if you’re not ready for the rejection like that you shouldn’t be dating online. Nothing more.
My attitude about it is pretty similar to Singlegal’s. I have a love/hate relationship with online dating. I think it’s great that there are all of these guy’s out there waiting. Possibilities.
I don’t really see it as rejection until we actually date (it’s not online dating, it’s online meeting). I implore people to not take any of their online communications seriously.
You, my dear, have a thicker skin than even I do. Also, you have a hot little figure, which I do not.
A while ago my mom tried to set me up with this doctor, by scheduling an appointment at his office. He is an OBGYN…..kind of odd conversation to have. Intimate…..but odd. So either way you look at it dating sucks.
I didn’t say that, I said there is a higher rejection rate in online dating. That’s all.
I just do not get into the Online dating thing. I need to use all of my senses when meeting someone, and none of that is present with a picture Online, except sight, and that could very well be the first lie.
I’m not sure why that would keep you from online dating, unless you’re planning on never actually going on a date. You still meet face to face with all your senses available to you.
One of my favorite things about OKcupid as they they actually tell you how often a person responds to personal messages. It’s great fun to pick a list of “highly selective” accounts and see what the ol’ batting average is. =)
In real-live dating, it’s likely that you are missing particular aspects of a person. Online? It’s a certainty.
I’ve started getting “mushy” DM’s on Twitter. Nothing is weirder. Nothing. Don’t DM people and say that they’re hot. It’s disturbing.
=)
FYI, that OKC feature is relatively new. I never had the benefit of it. Twitter DM dating? That’s a little creepy. I will refrain from telling you that you’re cute now.
Totally well made point darlin, I couldn’t agree more!
Wow, we agree? Mark your calendars!
I couldn’t have said that better. I often hear people who are frustrated with online dating complain that it’s such a cruel environment filled with uber-picky people and endless rejection. But the only difference between joining an online dating site and going out to a bar is that if just two or three people at the bar hit on you, it feels like a success; if just two or three people at the web site hit on you, it feels like a failure.
You are clearly my people.
I went on Eharmony about a year ago. It was quite an experience. I had quite a few matches. Mostly they were overweight unattractive women that I would have never looked at or had any interest in offline.
I had several one time dates. They looked nothing like their pictures and their personalities were nothing like they described in their profiles.
I did go out with one match several times. I really liked her and we were having a pretty good time. I live in the Bay Area and she lived in Napa. It was a bit of a challenge with the distance but she was often in my area for business for the insurance industry so we were able to hook up fairly easily. At first everything seemed normal. But after a few weeks it became obvious that something was wrong. She seemed secretive and at times strange. It turned out she had a boyfriend and was being treated for bipolar disorder. Nice! Needless to say I moved on
All-in-all my eharmony experience was disappointing and I do not recommend online dating. Unless you are unattractive, overweight, lacking social skills or are just a weirdo in general then online dating is not for you.
Let’s just pause a moment to think of all the ways you just insulted me and a huge portion of my readers, who are apparently largely ugly, fat, and awkward.