Forgiveness?
Some will say I had this coming, and I’d be hard pressed to argue really. Not much more to be said about that.
That Facebook bitch was certifiably crazy. I mean, she was truly like Basic Instinct stalkeriffic. In the end, both LC and I had to block her completely just to regain a sense of sanity and personal safety. Unfortunately, one of the many things she was not was a liar. She attacked me again on his profile on Friday. I’m sure she thought it was all very subtle… but it wasn’t. Still, to respect LC’s wishes, I took to a private conversation with her instead of rising to the public bait. I calmly explained that he had a need to keep personal drama off of his profile and I knew she cared about him so I was sure we could both make that work. And requested that she message me directly with anything that she might feel she needed to say. Apparently she felt she needed to tell me that he was coming on to her. In fact, she sent me several messages citing exactly what he had said. She then attempted to tell me how I deserved more, which was actually a bit comical.
I didn’t rise to the bait. I told her I didn’t think a caring friend should be attempting to sabotage him. She cited some more. I told her the conversation was over and she had said her piece and I had said mine. She sent me a scary message about how LC WILL be hers. Capitalization and all. It was lovely. I did not respond.
What I did do was to ask LC what the hell she was talking about. As it turns out he said all of those things. This month even. Told her she’s beautiful, asked if she ever comes to this area, told her we were about to break up. He said a lot of things about why, about what it didn’t mean, about how he didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong. Each justification made it sound worse and worse to my ears. He had been telling me he no longer sought dates or chatted up women. And here was clear proof in my mind that he did. In reality, he never would have met her and she was too far away to be a danger. But those things… he still said them.
So I was honest about Big, but I still did it. He was dishonest and did something similar. Not much difference. I got mine in the end. And honestly, I had not a whole lot of reason to be really upset.
But I can’t seem to let it go. All of the sudden, it’s like the fabric of who we were has shifted beneath me. When he walks in my door to pick me up, he doesn’t look the same. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. He feels terrible. We talk at each other and look past each other. And suddenly neither one of us knows how to fix it.
I am struggling because this reminds me of past lives. Past marriages and things I was never able to forgive are rearing their heads and reminding me. And yet, this man is not those men. He is different. He is his own man. And he may not hurt me the way they did. But he is stepping into territory that they did. And I don’t know if I can let go.
Gentle readers, I need your advice. When and how do you forgive? How do you know when to let go and charge forward instead of holding on and turning away? How do you release hurts and distrust to get back to a place of comfort and honesty again? Or don’t you?
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I have no good advice here my friend, I would be angry, hurt and holding a grudge, which added to my stubbornness would just make matters continually worse until eventually we could not stand each other any further.
I wish I knew how to forgive and let things go, but for me personally it’s very hard.
I wish you much luck in regaining what you once had with LC.
XOXO
I’m not sure I’m trying to regain it. Right now I’m trying to figure out if I can even get to the part where I try or if it’s just irretrievably broken now.
this reminds me of the early stages of when I was dating Ex. He would get around the truth by only answering my questions directly as I asked him, even though he knew I was angling for a certain topic. I told him this was a form of lying, and it wasn’t acceptable. Interestingly, it was one of the lessons he was able to learn.
I believe in forgiveness. But it’s hard to forget. And I guess the question becomes – do you think you can move past this? Honestly – I think you can and will.
I don’t share your faith in me. I’ve been faced with this before and have not been able to let it go. History is not in my favor here.
Sweetie, I know I’m just an observer who is not in the situation and doesn’t know any of the parties involved, but I have had a bad feeling about LC since you got back with him.
I think you’re seeing all these signs that he’s not the right guy for you but you really like him and want it to work (no judgment there – I have done this in every relationship I’ve been in thus far), so you’re trying to justify his behaviour and make excuses when you know, deep down, that it isn’t going to work.
I am a firm believer that the universe sends us signs. If we ignore them, it sends us bigger signs. And they keep getting bigger and worse and more apparent until we have no choice but to pay attention. Unfortunately, at that point, there is far more heartache and hurt than if we would have listened earlier. And often, our choice is taken away and we no longer have control over how to handle the situation.
You’ve been through a lot, and you’ve got a lot to offer. Don’t settle – be true to yourself and that feeling in your gut.
The universe should really take to knocking people on the head with a baseball bat. In my case, it would be infinitely more effective.
You are trying to find it in yourself to forgive him, but has he forgiven you for what happened with Big? Are you sure that he’s not harboring resentment for that? Stop thinking he is justified because of what you did, that’s not the issue here. If you can find it in yourself to forgive and forget, can he? Will he always wonder if you are still talking to or seeing Big? Is he living his life thinking if he makes a mistake you will go to someone else?
If LC is like The Prince, then he doesn’t leave, he stays no matter how bad it gets until the other person leaves. If you can see that he’s hurting or living with a fear of losing you, you know that’s not a way to live and holding on to him because you can get past this, isn’t fair to him. I’m not saying he can’t completely forgive you and be secure in a relationship with you, but you need to consider if what he’s willing to live with is not up to the standards of what you are willing to live with.
Be selfish for both of you, because I don’t think LC knows how to be selfish for himself.
This particular comment hits alarmingly close to home. LC is never a leaver, you’re right.
I wish I had some magical advice, but I’m not able to get past little stuff like that.
Since there is a lot of awkwardness being together, maybe you could spend some time apart to reflect and figure out if LC is something you really want to pursue.
That is where we are. I told him to move on with his life while I sorted this out in my head.
Forgiveness and regaining trust are difficult, no doubt about that.
My guess here? You’ve put him in a terribly difficult situation. He probably feels jerked around, and he probably resents it. As much as he WANTS to be with you, he doesn’t know if you’ll ever fully commit to it. My guess? His actions toward her were acting out against the resentment and helplessness he feels in the situation between the two of you.
I say give him another chance…But if you think there’s even a chance that you want to be with him, it’s time to let the other stuff go. Either let yourself be fully invested in trying to make the relationship work, or let him go.
Just my opinion, obviously.
He may very well have felt that way. I never expected him to stay through it though, and he knew that. It was his choice. As for the other stuff, I had already made my choice. But it didn’t help in this situation at all.
Like Singlegal, I believe in forgiveness. I can forgive just about anything. Damn, I have forgiven just about everything.
But I don’t believe in princes or happily ever after. And I really, really don’t believe that there’s such a thing as going back to where you were (that same place of comfort and honesty) once either member of a couple has a reason to question the other’s honesty, integrity or love.
I have no idea if you and LC can make it work. But if you do, it’s because you’ll both have put ALL your cards on the table and sorted through them together. And I’m not sure it sounds like either one of you really want to do that.
The answer to that is that I don’t know. I feel a lot like I shouldn’t have to work this hard so early. But then I wonder if that’s even realistic after all. And so I end up not knowing.
I’m going to go against the grain here a little because I’ve been in a similar situation.
The man says he loves you. He says he wants to be with you. Therefore in my opinion there is Absolutely NO excuse or valid reason he should be telling ANY other woman, much less one he says is crazy, how beautiful she is or anything personal about his relationship with you.
There are a few things to look at here.
1. If he thought the chic was crazy, why did he keep talking to her AT ALL, much less lead her on about getting together if she was ever in town. IMHO that says something about him as a man and person.. and not something terribly good.
2. If you say you’re with someone (and he supposedly is with you) you simply DO NOT chat up and flirt with other people. Not acceptable. To be fair, it’s not like I wasn’t doing this one to him. Openly, but still doing it.
3. That he didn’t think telling this chic personal things about his relationship with you would be a big red flag for me. That is one thing I put a HUGE No No on. Telling people stuff about YOUR life is one thing, but when you include things about another person in the telling then it becomes an issue.
I hate to say it but I think sending him on down the road is the best thing you can do.. there is someone out there who will see you, love you, want YOU and only you and the thought of talking to or flirting with some other chic will not even enter their mind.
<3
You hit on my one biggie. If she was so nuts, then why did he do it? My other is that she had every reason to logically believe he was going to be with her. He all but told her so. I would have thought the same. (I just wouldn’t have been CRAZY about it like she was.)
Jane, here’s how I think about this situation. He knows you are seeing Big, which means basically the two of you are in an open relationship. He had nothing to loose by telling you he was flirting with someone else. In fact, it might have made you want him more. Instead, he choose to sneak behind your back.
Why? So that he can look like a perpetually nice, devoted guy to you. But, contrary to popular belief extra “nice guys” are not usually nice, they are just passive aggressive. They often do things that are not nice behind the woman’s back.
I would suggest this be the deal breaker, because it is very likely that if you stay with him, behavior like this will rear it’s ugly head again and will hurt you more, as you will be more invested.
It’s official, I love you. Truer words were never spoken. And for the record, THIS is why “nice guys” never win.
I have found that sometimes it is hard to figure out the difference between your intuition, and filtering through prior wounds. Intuition is always right on, and filtering through prior wounds, is an out and out liar.
What he did to you, I have also had done to me, and I consider this a betrayal. For one, outside blogworld, I am a very private person. I do not like have my dirty laundry aired in public for all to see, and use to their agenda’s, and I believe that it is both parties job to protect the other, and the relationship from outside thieves and saboteurs. One of the reasons that I am extremely careful about what I say, and who I say it to.
If I am confronted with a problem that I really need outside output on, I am very, very careful about who I use as a sounding board. They must care about both of us, and the relationship. Otherwise, their input is bias, and not in my best interest.
To go to someone of the opposite sex, especially someone who shows interest in stepping up and taking the other’s place, and whine about everything that is going wrong, in your perception, in the relationship, is not protecting me, or the relationship, and is betrayal.
I am big on forgiveness. But I have also found that I have a tendency to hold onto the anger, and avoiding forgiveness sometimes as a protection mechanism. But I have also found, for myself, that I can’t heal until I do forgive, both them, and myself.
~Best Wishes~
Thanks for the great insights. In the end I found I could forgive just fine. But I couldn’t forget.