Happily Ever After
It seems like everyone from your parents to Disney movies wants you to believe in this concept of fairytale endings. From children we are taught that we deserve happiness and it is waiting out there for us just around the corner. That the natural conclusion to every life is a happy home full of someone who loves you. Even today our well-meaning friends fill us with advice about we we deserve and what we will find. They are full of platitudes and don’t-give-up-yets. But is it really possible for everyone to have such a happy ending?
I mean, let’s think about this for a minute. How could we know how good we have it if we weren’t aware of how else things could turn out? How could I know how lucky I am for job security right now if so many people weren’t that lucky? If everyone were secure, it wouldn’t be luck at all, right? It would just be… a normal state of affairs. Average. The norm.
So how do people know they are having their happy ending unless they can see how not everyone does? And if that’s the case, then how can we all be destined for this happily ever after?
The truth is that I gave up on my own happily ever after about a year ago. After two divorces and countless dating flops, I simply stopped believing that there were rainbows and pots of gold at the end of a specific journey for me. I turned off some of my online dating accounts and simply stopped looking at others. And while it seems like such a sad thing to so many of you, it wasn’t. It was just that I stopped believing I would ride off into the sunset on a white steed with my prince charming. I stopped assuming that that was the ending created for me. And I started to believe that I might ride off into the sunset by myself at the end of my life movie.
And that’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing. That’s not a relegation to an unfulfilled life. It’s not the swan song of a sad and pathetic old maid. It’s not the determination to live in eternal unhappiness. Rather it’s a shift in my personal thinking. It’s a belief that my pot of gold may be just for me. It’s an attitude of making my life something I love on my own instead of waiting for someone else to complete it. It’s me spitting on Mr. Jerry Maguire because I don’t believe I need him to complete me anymore. Maybe I’m meant to complete myself. And maybe that’s okay too.
Conventional wisdom is still otherwise. Everytime I catch up with old friends invariably they want to know if I’m seeing someone. If I say yes, they see me as happier. If I say no, they assure me I will still meet the one. It’s not too late, poor little single Jane.
Right now, for all of those misguided souls, I’m staging a revolt. Whether or not I’m seeing someone does not define my ability to be happy. Getting married or having children does not equal the successful completion of life goals. There is not only one ending to this fairytale. I can be complete and yes Virginia, even happy, with or without a man.
I am redefining happily ever after. Starting now.
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I’ve been struggling with this very recently. Since it seems like all my relationships seem like fairy tales that end just as quickly as they begin. It’s a hard thing to give up – the thought of “happily ever after”. I know no matter how I’m trying, I still hold on, somewhere. But you are right – your life is probably meant for YOU to enjoy, not you and someone else. So maybe, our Happily Ever After is to be just with ourselves?
That’s almost what I’m saying. I’m saying not to let your happily ever after rely on someone else. Make it just for you. Anything more will just be a nice add on.
At Easter festivities yesterday, I found myself answering that same question over and over…and I found myself lying to them, telling them, that yes, I am doing the online thing, and going on some dates. I’m not sure why I felt the need to lie except that I didn’t think they would understand that I feel okay “not dating” right now. And maybe that’s because I’m not sure that I am okay, but I’m working on it. Thanks for your post today.
Welcome to my personal revolt. Your next step is to stop telling people you are dating. And look happy when you do it!
I firmly believe that you have to be happy on your own. They if you meet someone you can be happy with it’s wonderful. But if you aren’t happy by yourself, no one else is going to make you that way.
Oh I absolutely agree, and have for a long time. But it’s still a jump from there to imagining your own happily ever after that way.
I hate the thought of giving up on anything, and that is the tone that I read in this post. I hope you aren’t giving up, just postponing. I know that is what I have had to do in my life.
All my life, even when I was marriage sadly enough, I have always had this underlying belief that I was meant to be alone. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have no intentions of becoming the “cat lady”, and growing old alone. My beliefs are changing.
But I also know that I am not ready for a relationship right now. It’s been two years since I have been in a relationship, and I have spent that time working on myself, discovering who I really am behind the mask, and there is a part of me that wants someone now. But the other part of me knows without a shadow of a doubt that I am not ready, and I will just f**k it up again, if I tried. So I keep working on me, so that I will be ready for him when he gets here, and I do know that he is on his way, and preparing himself…for me.
As far as the rest of the World, they can have their opinions, but in my view, most times opinions are just like excuses, and we all know what they are like.
I say this with nothing but love. But this is actually the problem. Why is it that the future must contain a man and that if I decide it may not I’m giving up? I’m giving up on exactly nothing. I’m just taking control of my own happiness. And if there happens to be someone else with me in my happily ever after? Then fine. But if there isn’t? Also perfectly fine. That’s not giving up… it’s taking control.
Okay- I gotta say this post made me feel a little better today reading and seeing that I am not the only one working on Me and being happy and content with just me.
A month ago I didn’t have a care in the world. I was in love and convinced he was the one who I would be spending my ever after with.
Silly me…it wasn’t meant to be. Another plot twist in my life story, but you have reminded me now that it’s MY life – only I can make me happy, or unhappy if I so choose.
And that is the most powerful thing to remember. We really can control our own stories. I’m glad I could make you feel a little better today.
Our own happiness is created by us. However, the stigma the world places on us, is that we (woman, lady, gal) need a man, a family, to settle down and make us complete. I’m no longer newly divorced but the pain it caused me is fresh as ever. It has taken me a long time to realize I can make my ownself happy and that I do have the power to do so.
Oh I know all about the stigma… that’s the point. And we all need to reject it. Happily ever after doesn’t have to include other people. It might, but it doesn’t have to.
I’m in. There are a heck of a lot of us out here who don’t believe in happily ever after. And the truth is, we’re a pretty tough bunch. I think we can overthrow the establishment.
Seriously, I’m glad you got to where you are.
I think we should all believe in happily ever after. Just acknowledge that it is what we decide to make it, with or without others. And I’m working on convincing myself just as much as you.
[...] feel like I have to complete a thought. A little while ago I posted about happily ever afters and what they can and should mean to all of us single folk. It was a post full of thoughts for a [...]
I’m late to this but had to respond since it was such an inspirational post. I agree with every word.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that when love kicks you down, you have to get up and get back on the horse. After awhile, I started questioning why exactly we’re supposed to do that. What was so wonderful about that horse that we couldn’t have an equally great ride through life on a bike, a bus, or a train? Is the desire for the white horse really encoded in our genes, or is it more likely that it’s pounded into our heads when we’re young and impressionable and upheld by our culture because that’s the way it’s always been?
For me, the real eye opener came a few months ago, when I broke up with the proverbial prince on the white horse. This guy was everything I had wanted in a man, but in exchange for him, it was clear I’d have to give up much of my way of life, the things that made me happiest day to day. That was when I realized that a relationship, in and of itself, could never be my happy ending, that the things I’d given to myself made me happier than the things anyone else could give me.
If you have time, I’d also suggest reading Singled Out by Dr. Bella DePaulo. She’s a sociologist whose passion is researching singles, and she’s gathered a lot of evidence to prove that marriage is no panacea and that singles are a very happy, healthy bunch.
Just make sure you’re not throwing the baby out with the bathwater here. I wasn’t suggesting I CAN’T have a happily ever after with someone else… only that I shouldn’t wait for a prince charming to make it happen.