No one said it would be easy
In my perfect little vision of the world, it will be easy to tell when (and if) I have found a potential life partner. I will magically realize that this person is different from all those who came before. Like pieces of a puzzle fitting together, it will just be right. And one of the ways I will know it’s right is because it will be easy.
Now don’t think I have taken too much cough medicine… I’m not high. I know any relationship requires work and I know nothing will be flawless. So just relax over there.
I’m saying that in the beginning, things should be simple. And for the most part, it should be easier than not. The beginning of my relationship with this potential mate will not be marked by trouble or tears or potential heartbreak. It will be that fuzzy glowy honeymoon stage everyone always talks about. And while I’ll know he isn’t perfect, I may just forget once in a while.
But today, I don’t know. Am I being unrealistic? Is everything a struggle of sorts? How long should this fabled honeymoon stage last? And should it really be struggle-free?
Anymore, I’m not sure. Because I’m 32 years old and I’ve never just had it easy. I don’t remember any of these mystical honeymoon phases in my life. (Not even on my actual honeymoon. Which is probably just sad.) I don’t remember things ever being easy.
So here is my question to you, gentle readers. Is it ever really easy? Is there really a blissed out phase where nothing is just an obstacle to be dealt with? Can the beginning of a relationship be simple without either party indulging in some serious delusion? I need to know.
Filed under question | Comments (13)Forgiveness?
Some will say I had this coming, and I’d be hard pressed to argue really. Not much more to be said about that.
That Facebook bitch was certifiably crazy. I mean, she was truly like Basic Instinct stalkeriffic. In the end, both LC and I had to block her completely just to regain a sense of sanity and personal safety. Unfortunately, one of the many things she was not was a liar. She attacked me again on his profile on Friday. I’m sure she thought it was all very subtle… but it wasn’t. Still, to respect LC’s wishes, I took to a private conversation with her instead of rising to the public bait. I calmly explained that he had a need to keep personal drama off of his profile and I knew she cared about him so I was sure we could both make that work. And requested that she message me directly with anything that she might feel she needed to say. Apparently she felt she needed to tell me that he was coming on to her. In fact, she sent me several messages citing exactly what he had said. She then attempted to tell me how I deserved more, which was actually a bit comical.
I didn’t rise to the bait. I told her I didn’t think a caring friend should be attempting to sabotage him. She cited some more. I told her the conversation was over and she had said her piece and I had said mine. She sent me a scary message about how LC WILL be hers. Capitalization and all. It was lovely. I did not respond.
What I did do was to ask LC what the hell she was talking about. As it turns out he said all of those things. This month even. Told her she’s beautiful, asked if she ever comes to this area, told her we were about to break up. He said a lot of things about why, about what it didn’t mean, about how he didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong. Each justification made it sound worse and worse to my ears. He had been telling me he no longer sought dates or chatted up women. And here was clear proof in my mind that he did. In reality, he never would have met her and she was too far away to be a danger. But those things… he still said them.
So I was honest about Big, but I still did it. He was dishonest and did something similar. Not much difference. I got mine in the end. And honestly, I had not a whole lot of reason to be really upset.
But I can’t seem to let it go. All of the sudden, it’s like the fabric of who we were has shifted beneath me. When he walks in my door to pick me up, he doesn’t look the same. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. He feels terrible. We talk at each other and look past each other. And suddenly neither one of us knows how to fix it.
I am struggling because this reminds me of past lives. Past marriages and things I was never able to forgive are rearing their heads and reminding me. And yet, this man is not those men. He is different. He is his own man. And he may not hurt me the way they did. But he is stepping into territory that they did. And I don’t know if I can let go.
Gentle readers, I need your advice. When and how do you forgive? How do you know when to let go and charge forward instead of holding on and turning away? How do you release hurts and distrust to get back to a place of comfort and honesty again? Or don’t you?
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (10)Thinking
Tonight LC saw me lose my cool. I also remembered why I think Facebook is the devil, but for a different reason. Here’s my story:
The weather was perfect on Saturday. We dug out our shorts and our walking shoes and headed out in the car with the sunroof open. We were together in the sunshine and it was perfect. That night we had trouble letting go. But I had asked for space and so he went home to his own bed. We slept alone.
Sunday was a lazy morning leading right into a lazy day. I camped out on the couch with my pajamas on. I played on the internet. I generally enjoyed some alone time. While I was wasting time online I saw he’d updated his Facebook status to say what a great day we’d had. And some woman I didn’t know had made a comment. No big deal right? She said “Next time take me!” Now, it could have been innocent on her part, but I pride myself on being very aware of understanding and decoding female signs and signals. And she felt an awful lot like she was angling to get a piece of him. I wasn’t sure. So I made a very innocent comment. “It really was a perfect day, wasn’t it?” If she had no ill intentions, I was just enjoying my day with him. If she did indeed have a motive, I was peeing in a tiny circle around what was mine.
That night we got the answer. LC came over to cook dinner with me and we were cuddling on the couch together. He got up for a few and I was playing with my phone. That’s when I saw it. “Nothing in life is perfect… some of us unfortunately have to find out the hard way.” But that wasn’t enough for her. It was immediately followed by “… and some people are not necessarily as caring, devoted, and committed to one person as they act.” When LC came back into the living room, I immediately asked who the hell this girl was. Just by my tone he knew something was bad. “She’s crazy.”, he answered.
I saw red. LC promised to delete the thread and her. She was someone he met through a dating site but had only ever chatted with online. She got back in touch a few months ago and he told her he was off the market. Then, when we were struggling, he told her things were a bit rough. She apparently believed that was her one big shot. And she did not take kindly to my territorial marking of this man.
He asked me to let it go and I couldn’t. I replied in what was actually a very restrained way considering how my blood was pounding through my head at the moment. “And some people really have no idea what they’re talking about. But I’m going to assume neither of those things have anything to do with anyone here.” LC apologized. He also deleted everything the moment he got home.
But it got me to thinking. Why was he letting me be so territorial? I sat with him on the couch raging against this woman and he never once told me I had no right to feel this way. He could have, he would have been right even. But he never said it. Still, I knew.
And so I started to think. Why was I peeing in tiny circle around my this man? Why was he letting me? Did this all mean anything?
A new Twitter friend of mine (@purplehayz) said tonight “You can’t have love (and all the related great lust) without the risk of hurt, so find courage…” It had nothing to do with me or with the night, but there it was. And I started to think some more. And I still am.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (10)Happily Ever After
It seems like everyone from your parents to Disney movies wants you to believe in this concept of fairytale endings. From children we are taught that we deserve happiness and it is waiting out there for us just around the corner. That the natural conclusion to every life is a happy home full of someone who loves you. Even today our well-meaning friends fill us with advice about we we deserve and what we will find. They are full of platitudes and don’t-give-up-yets. But is it really possible for everyone to have such a happy ending?
I mean, let’s think about this for a minute. How could we know how good we have it if we weren’t aware of how else things could turn out? How could I know how lucky I am for job security right now if so many people weren’t that lucky? If everyone were secure, it wouldn’t be luck at all, right? It would just be… a normal state of affairs. Average. The norm.
So how do people know they are having their happy ending unless they can see how not everyone does? And if that’s the case, then how can we all be destined for this happily ever after?
The truth is that I gave up on my own happily ever after about a year ago. After two divorces and countless dating flops, I simply stopped believing that there were rainbows and pots of gold at the end of a specific journey for me. I turned off some of my online dating accounts and simply stopped looking at others. And while it seems like such a sad thing to so many of you, it wasn’t. It was just that I stopped believing I would ride off into the sunset on a white steed with my prince charming. I stopped assuming that that was the ending created for me. And I started to believe that I might ride off into the sunset by myself at the end of my life movie.
And that’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing. That’s not a relegation to an unfulfilled life. It’s not the swan song of a sad and pathetic old maid. It’s not the determination to live in eternal unhappiness. Rather it’s a shift in my personal thinking. It’s a belief that my pot of gold may be just for me. It’s an attitude of making my life something I love on my own instead of waiting for someone else to complete it. It’s me spitting on Mr. Jerry Maguire because I don’t believe I need him to complete me anymore. Maybe I’m meant to complete myself. And maybe that’s okay too.
Conventional wisdom is still otherwise. Everytime I catch up with old friends invariably they want to know if I’m seeing someone. If I say yes, they see me as happier. If I say no, they assure me I will still meet the one. It’s not too late, poor little single Jane.
Right now, for all of those misguided souls, I’m staging a revolt. Whether or not I’m seeing someone does not define my ability to be happy. Getting married or having children does not equal the successful completion of life goals. There is not only one ending to this fairytale. I can be complete and yes Virginia, even happy, with or without a man.
I am redefining happily ever after. Starting now.
Filed under rant | Comments (9)Venting
“I have to express this.” he told me. He was angry as we waited outside for a late night pizza delivery. His eyes got hard and he started to vent. He ranted against Big and the situation. He raged against the fact that he knows he offers the world and still I won’t take it from him. He vented over time and time again losing someone he loved as they stepped off into their happily ever after without him. He went on until he was spent, and I just listened. He has the right to say these things. He has the right to be angry. And he has the right to tell me.
Finally, he slowed down. “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the situation.” he told me. And he softened. He went on to talk about how I deserve so much more. How I deserve to be happy. How I deserve the world. After his rightful anger, I didn’t know what to do with that. And then he asked me “Don’t you think you deserve more?”
And I looked at him and told him the truth. Right now I deserve no more. In fact, right now I deserve to be on my own for acting like such a brat over this. I deserve to lose them both because neither of them deserves to be juggled like this. I would deserve it if he walked off into the night right now and never let me come back.
And the night fell silent. His anger had faded and all that was left was us.
He told me again that he’d wait. That he is committed to getting through this with me. That he will do whatever it takes. And I wondered to myself why he doesn’t believe he deserves more, but couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud.
Then the pizza delivery came and we went inside. And we haven’t mentioned it again since.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (7)Picture This
LC could probably write a handbook on how to handle a commitment-phobic woman by now. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want happiness and rainbows and forever. It’s just that I’ve seen it all go sour so many times before that I am afraid to believe in it again. The end of my rainbow always seems to hold a big fat pot of divorce, you know?
Anyway, so this is the terrain LC has to navigate. And he’s such a trooper. Please enjoy some recent gems from our conversations.
Picture this: We’re both in bed and he hops up to get us something to drink. He grabs his bathrobe and covers up, then comes back bearing sodas. At which point it is painfully obvious that I need to either be all undressed alone, or get dressed which I’m not ready to do, because there is only one bathrobe. I point out at my place there are two bathrobes, and I never make him wear the fuzzy pink one. He looks at me thoughtfully, and comes up with this: “How about if I got another robe, exactly like this one, as a spare for myself?” And then he watches me to see if that will sink in. I just laugh and agree.
Or this: I got an email about an upcoming U2 concert in my area. And by upcoming, I mean the end of September. We both like U2, but that’s 6 months away and I can’t even tell you what I’m doing next weekend. I express my dissatisfaction by forwarding the concert notice to him (tickets go on sale in just a few days) and complaining about having to buy this stuff six months in advance. He replies back and says maybe he’ll just go ahead and buy two tickets when they go on sale. After all, someone will probably be more than happy to go with him when the time comes.
You have to laugh. You have to laugh because I know the spare robe and the concert ticket are for me. I know he wants to get them to do things with me, have me around, and make me happy. And he knows the very idea of mentioning serious long term commitment right now may very well cause an allergic rash on me. And so we do this. I know these are his ways of telling me he wants me to stay. He knows I know. And so I accept them.
I accept them for what they are… someone loving me. Someone wanting me. Someone dreaming of a future with me. All in all, that’s really not such a bad thing after all.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (8)
