Love Coaching?

I’m going to start by being honest with you here. When I heard the term “Love and Relationship Coach”, I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I mean seriously, there are coaches for everything right? And people have survived and coupled up for ages without this kind of targeted help. But, as you know, recently I’ve found myself in quite the situation. And I do happen to be friends with some of these folks out on the great wide internets. So when Love Coach Rinatta offered to help me out a bit, I suspended my disbelief for just long enough to agree. I figured it certainly couldn’t mess things up anymore, and at the very least may amuse you, my gentle readers. Many of you are single and out in the big bad dating world. So I encourage you to read about this (and laugh at me).

First I want to apologize because this is long. But second I want to tell you to hang in, because it’s a lot of insight about what these coaching sessions are like. And if you’re anything like me, you just don’t have a clue.

The entire coaching session was done on the phone. And I admit Love Coach Rinatta and I have been bumping into each other online for a long time now, but talking to her was very easy from the start. I had already emailed her with extensive background on the issue I was facing and we’d set up the appointment time. She called me on time and we got right to it.

The first thing she told me was that I had to stop looking at this as a choice between two or three options and start assessing each situation by itself. She promptly banned any kind of comparing and contrasting and focused our conversation on my personal needs in a relationship and how they were being met. We started off with LC.

After a few pointed questions, Rinatta was able to cut right to the nitty gritty of the problem. LC is almost everything I need in a relationship. Almost but not quite, that is. Because sex will never cease to be important to me. And she tells it like it is. Problems in the bedroom, especially those where one partner is unsatisfied, are unlikely to get truly solved. No matter how badly you’d like them to be. Although it’s not impossible. But in order to make things work, LC would have to really go the extra mile. There are some medical issues at play here, which he is already trying to treat, but there are other issues too. She recommended instructional videos, books on raising one’s sexual chi, and some serious and open conversation and goal setting. The fear here is that because we are so good in other ways and because he is very much the loyal sort, I could find myself years down the road in something that was never really satisfying. From that, springs resentment. And from resentment comes the downfall fo the relationship, heartbreak, and many wasted years. Especially on a problem I knew was there from the beginning. The situation with him is not hopeless, but it requires a healthy dose of realism, very frank conversation, and a very serious look at whether or not actual progress is being made and the ramifications for a future.

Big was next. What you have to understand is that coaching is not about giving people answers. At least, in my interpretation. I see it more as getting the tools to make the right decisions. But Rinatta was adamant about one thing and one thing only during this session. She was clear that she isn’t in the business of telling people what to do, but that I should NOT be moving in with Big. (Did you all just have a heart attack? Did I not mention that that was on the table again and that this time, *I* was the holdup? Oh well then…. now you know.) Immediately I told her that she shouldn’t worry because I wasn’t going to do it. What she might not have known is that I didn’t realize I wasn’t going to do it until I said that. But right then and there I knew it was true. I wasn’t moving in with Big. It was a good choice. She went on to ask me how Big meets my needs. And the bottom line here is disturbing. The answer is that I have no way of knowing right now. Big and I have known each other for roughly a year and a half. But because we never really actually dated, we don’t know much about each other. I wasn’t sure how he could meet my needs exactly. The funniest thing is that Big and I were just having a conversation about this very thing earlier the same day. The bottom line here was that aside from fantastic bedroom antics, I didn’t know what a life with Big would have to offer. Rinatta exercised incredible restraint and remained positive and supportive while I told her that. She did not once snicker or call me stupid names. I was highly impressed.

Then it was time to talk about next steps. This was the scary part. Obviously the status quo is not sustainable and I don’t like it. So a decision of some sort has to be made. Let’s talk about what Rinatta actually suggested and then how I balked at her and said no.

Rinatta’s suggestion was to tell LC that we needed to take a break and just be friends for three months. Keep our hands to ourselves and our nights in our own beds. But that we could still hang out and have fun together. During that time, LC’s mission would be to work on the bedroom issues that we were having. He is already taking medical steps towards those things which can be resolved that way. She suggested he do serious research and we set concrete goals on what he was to accomplish. And that he would be better off doing these things without me naked in his bed.

The second part of that suggestion was that I tell him I was going to date Big during those three months. And that I go forth and actually do just that. Give it a real shot. Do things outside of the bedroom. See what being in a relationship with Big is really like. And tell LC that I am doing it. Let LC know that if things don’t work out I’ll be back, but that this is what I have to do. She acknowledged this would not be an easy pill for anyone to swallow. But that it might be the best course.

Alas, I immediately had a thousand reasons why that was probably not going to exactly work. So now you know that whatever trainwreck I happen to make out of this situation is not to be blamed on Love Coach Rinatta. I poo-poo-ed her indeed. After I hemmed and hawed for a while, we came up with a compromise.

I will tell LC exactly what we need to work on. We will set some concrete goals and he will have to do some unpleasant leg work. It will be a bit rough on his ego. I will stay with him while we do it. I will also not move in with Big, but do non-naked activities with him. We will date a bit and see how that goes. Please note, the continued juggling of this situation is NOT Rinatta’s idea nor does she condone it. She simply can’t control me nor is she in the business of trying to. It’s clearly a bad idea and it happens to be all mine. But there is an end point. We’ll give it about a month. During that month I will relax and practice some deep breathing. I’ll give LC and Big a chance to do the things I’m asking for. And we’ll see how it goes. At the end of though “about a month” I will have to choose. One, the other, or neither… as the case may be.

When we got off the phone, I promptly started to take the advice. I told Big I didn’t think we should move in right now. And we made a clothing-required date for this week. I also told LC that Love Coach Rinatta and I had talked and what she thought might help our bedroom disconnect. He agreed that we could work on that. He also agreed to let me have a month or so before commiting to a week long vacation with him this summer.

So here’s the nitty gritty: the words “love coach” kind of make me want to throw up in my mouth a little. And I admit, when I agreed to do this my exact thought was “Well, it can’t hurt and it might be funny. Besides, I could really use some damn help.” But I am weird about talking to people sometimes, and I admit it. What I found was that Love Coach Rinatta was very positive and supportive. Even in the face of my self-created and quite idiotic situation. She didn’t make me feel bad about the snafu I’ve gotten into at all. Which by rights, she could have very easily. She was all constructive and no criticism. And I actually finally heard some of the things I needed to hear. Which is not to say that no one ever said them to me before. It’s that for whatever reason, I heard her when she talked to me.

Rinatta’s final thoughts to me were the most positive of all. Even if it works with neither of these men, I have come very close to finding what I want in a partner in LC. That means that next time, I’ll probably get it right. Real happiness in a relationship is either here now, or just around the corner. And all I have to do is breathe.

I had a positive experience. I would not poo-poo my dear single friends for wanting the same. Here’s how you can contact Love Coach Rinatta if you’re interested in taking a chance and letting someone help as well:

LoveCoachBlog.com
AskLoveCoach.com
RinattaParies.com
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