Foggy
The fog got thicker as I drove towards home this morning. Every passing mile made it harder and harder to see as I drew closer to my place. I remembered it was clear when I left his arms just moments ago.
The windows had been open and fresh air was running through the apartment. I could hear the river in the background and the occasional train. The cat nestled down between us… when there was enough space. Eventually she gave up and found a new spot. We were laying too close together.
We spent the night staying awake, trying to wring every last moment out of the darkness. For one night, our mistakes were already made. Everything was out on the table. And we found each other in even that moment. That moment led to this one and against our wills each moment slipped by to make way for another. Morning crept ever closer. We tried to keep our eyes open for just one more. Eventually we failed and sleep claimed us, tangled up in each other by the sounds of the river and the light of the moon.
And morning did come. It came with alarms and regret. It came with us still wrapped in each other’s arms. It came with us still trying to make sense of it.
“It doesn’t have to be this way.” he told me. And I know. Once again I can see two distinct futures stretched before me. I can see two lives that I have the choice to live. One word, one kiss, one change, and I can jump the tracks from one to the other. Now more than ever, it would be a simple thing.
I didn’t answer him. We said our goodbyes and I slinked out into the dark morning. I breathed the fresh morning air and looked around this place, his place, as I walked to the car. I saw the world in which I would belong here. And yet, against all odds, I got in the car and drove away.
Halfway home I hit the fog. My headlights could do nothing against it and I couldn’t see. I was forced to slow down my pace. I thought about it, about everything. The closer I got to home the heavier the fog became. And I wondered if this too, wasn’t right. As I approached this place where I am never sure of anything, I wondered if the fog wasn’t trying to tell me something. But I never could quite make out what that was.
And so I’m home now. And I wonder, doesn’t it have to be this way? Won’t there always be something to mourn? My life is a series of losses to cry over… isn’t this morning just one more sadness to add to my record? Regardless of my decisions, won’t this hurt anyway?
No one is here so I ask the fog. And I get no answers.
And I get no answers
And I don’t get no change
It’s raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
- “Raining in Baltimore”, Counting Crows
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Okay okay okay WAIT.
So maybe I am mistaken or something, but I thought you were back on with Mr. Big. And then I read this thinking that you are talking about him, but the tag says LC. Hmmmm…
Nope, those are all the facts. You’re right on target.
Sigh….
Sometimes just being in love isn’t enough… sometimes it’s the little things that make up for where the ‘passion’ is missing.
Maybe…
Then again maybe I’m too confused about my own situation to offer advice, but it sounds like your heart is making decisions for ya babe…
My heart is a very confused organ these days. It may need rescuing from other internal organs. How busy can one’s spleen be anyway? It should lend a hand.
Yeah, wish I could offer up something brilliant, but I’m right there with you on the series of losses…
Life’s a bitch, isn’t it?
Oh you evil woman! Okay I want more!! gimme gimme gimme!! What comes next!? *bites nails in anticipation*
I wish I knew.
I’m totally confused
As am I.
(hugs)
I’m here.
Next time you say that, remember that I have your phone number nd am not afraid to use it!
Hmmm, okay. You know I have plenty of advice to give, you just need to ask for it and have an open mind to follow it. My opinion…you need to step away from both of them and take a breather.
You know how we all feel about Big, but, keeping them both in limbo isn’t fair to anyone involved. It sucks being in a situation like this and not havng the control to change it. Embrace that control and do the right thing. By both of them.:)
Of course that makes perfect sense. I’m working on it. I swear.
I fell like I’m trapped in some love special. Did I miss a post. Whose arms? Feel a brother in.
Always a good bet to check the category at the bottom in the post in confusing cases. This was a really sudden jump, you’re right. He = LC. Now you know.