Love Coaching?
I’m going to start by being honest with you here. When I heard the term “Love and Relationship Coach”, I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I mean seriously, there are coaches for everything right? And people have survived and coupled up for ages without this kind of targeted help. But, as you know, recently I’ve found myself in quite the situation. And I do happen to be friends with some of these folks out on the great wide internets. So when Love Coach Rinatta offered to help me out a bit, I suspended my disbelief for just long enough to agree. I figured it certainly couldn’t mess things up anymore, and at the very least may amuse you, my gentle readers. Many of you are single and out in the big bad dating world. So I encourage you to read about this (and laugh at me).
Filed under advice | Comments (8)Fear
My memories of him are dappled in sunshine and washed in red wine. They are bright things in fun places. They are exciting. When I look back over them, I already know what a life with him would be like. I know the challenges and I know the rewards. He offers me no less than everything.
Down another path I can’t see clearly. No memories are made yet. There are whispered talks of what could be, what would be. There are offers to make these things happen. But I linger slightly behind them, afraid.
I’m not afraid to be alone. That is no longer the fear that drives my decisions. I can see a future on my own too. I see it full of friends and family. I see building a life I want on my own. This doesn’t scare me.
But I am not without fear. These days the fear that drives me is the fear of making another mistake. The fear of picking one path or the other and finding, several years down the road, that I made a bad choice. The fear of getting so far in that I don’t know how to get out again. The fear of getting divorced again. The fear of screwing up.
This is the fear that paralyzes me. I stand at this fork in the road and I’m simply frozen. I know the fear itself is keeping me from letting go. I know it will take away my chances to be happy with someone else. This fear will lead to me being alone every time. Not just here and now, but always.
And I have no idea how to let it go.
Filed under confession | Comments (11)Passions
“I think I already know how this will end.” he told me. I wondered how he possibly could, seeing as I have no earthly idea myself. But his eyes were sad when he said it and I knew what he thought. Still he went on to explain that he would take the risk anyway. That he was jumping in with both feet. That he was giving it his all. Even as he thought he was going to lose this battle.
We talked about our passion in life. I admitted I hadn’t really considered passions until a friend asked me once. She asked me what I was passionate about. I didn’t know the answer. And so I told him maybe the missing passion with us was because I don’t have any. Maybe I’m too cold and dead inside. He just looked at me.
And he told me about the passion in his life. He told me how it used to be just one thing but lately it was two. He told me about the passion he has for his job. About what it means to him and how it motivates him to get up in the morning. I smiled as I knew this about him. And then he told me about his second passion in life. His newly added motivation for everything he does. He said the other passion in his life is loving me.
I just stared at him, all mute and dumb. Loving me. Me who hurt him. Me who left him. Me who did everything he was always afraid of. Me. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t answer. What could I possibly have ever done to deserve such big love? What could I possibly ever do to be allowed to have that? How can I ever live up to all of that passion?
He knew I couldn’t answer. We stood there together in silence and he told me it was ok that I couldn’t respond. That he understood. And then he told me all about the risk he was taking here and now for me. All I could do was cry. He let me do that too.
How ironic. I gave up on him because we lacked that intangible passion and fire between us. And now, now that I’ve made other choices, other plans, and looked towards another life… now he gives me more fire, more passion, and more unconditional love than I’ve ever really known. I am humbled by it, and by him.
But the ending is still waiting to be written.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (10)Foggy
The fog got thicker as I drove towards home this morning. Every passing mile made it harder and harder to see as I drew closer to my place. I remembered it was clear when I left his arms just moments ago.
The windows had been open and fresh air was running through the apartment. I could hear the river in the background and the occasional train. The cat nestled down between us… when there was enough space. Eventually she gave up and found a new spot. We were laying too close together.
We spent the night staying awake, trying to wring every last moment out of the darkness. For one night, our mistakes were already made. Everything was out on the table. And we found each other in even that moment. That moment led to this one and against our wills each moment slipped by to make way for another. Morning crept ever closer. We tried to keep our eyes open for just one more. Eventually we failed and sleep claimed us, tangled up in each other by the sounds of the river and the light of the moon.
And morning did come. It came with alarms and regret. It came with us still wrapped in each other’s arms. It came with us still trying to make sense of it.
“It doesn’t have to be this way.” he told me. And I know. Once again I can see two distinct futures stretched before me. I can see two lives that I have the choice to live. One word, one kiss, one change, and I can jump the tracks from one to the other. Now more than ever, it would be a simple thing.
I didn’t answer him. We said our goodbyes and I slinked out into the dark morning. I breathed the fresh morning air and looked around this place, his place, as I walked to the car. I saw the world in which I would belong here. And yet, against all odds, I got in the car and drove away.
Halfway home I hit the fog. My headlights could do nothing against it and I couldn’t see. I was forced to slow down my pace. I thought about it, about everything. The closer I got to home the heavier the fog became. And I wondered if this too, wasn’t right. As I approached this place where I am never sure of anything, I wondered if the fog wasn’t trying to tell me something. But I never could quite make out what that was.
And so I’m home now. And I wonder, doesn’t it have to be this way? Won’t there always be something to mourn? My life is a series of losses to cry over… isn’t this morning just one more sadness to add to my record? Regardless of my decisions, won’t this hurt anyway?
No one is here so I ask the fog. And I get no answers.
And I get no answers
And I don’t get no change
It’s raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
- “Raining in Baltimore”, Counting Crows
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (8)Big Things – Part 2
Where there is a part one, there is always a part two. I’m going to start this part two by telling you a story.
Last July a very wise friend became concerned about me. We chatted all the time and she listened to my stories, particularly those about my Mr. Big. There was a lot I never said about that situation, but my dear friend read right between the lines and caught me in the act. “You realize you’re in love with him, right?” she asked me that day. And I told her that yes, I was very aware of the fact. But I never said it here because saying it (or typing it) out loud would make it that much more real. Instead I held that fact close. A secret just for me, and then me and my friend to share. A silent truth I let myself imagine people weren’t noticing.
So there it is. I love Big. And I have, for quite some time.
You can only imagine how this complicated my life when he came back. I cut him off because I loved him and I just knew he would never love me in return. That I was never to be that kind of girl for him. That we did not have that kind of future.
Except when Big came back in January, he told me he loved me.
That’s right, I was wrong. I was wrong all along. He did love me, and he was holding on to me. In fact, upon further reflection, it became blindingly obvious that he had been trying to tell me for months. I had kept brushing him off resolutely, determined that I would never be his. And he kept searching for a better time to tell me the truth. That he loved me.
Until I said “No more.” and cut it off. Then he couldn’t say it anymore. He couldn’t tell me. I had cut off every avenue of communication. I was gone. I was determined to make a go of it with LC. But unfortunately, love is not so easily cut off.
So there we were, dumbfounded by each other. All along we had each been what the other craved but didn’t know was there. He knew about LC, and so where did we go from there?
From there we went to here. Here where I am not with LC. Here where I am still in love with Big. And here where he is also in love with me. Here we are, suddenly in the same place at the same time. Suddenly with each other and only each other.
We are here.
Filed under Mr. Big | Comments (12)Big Changes – Part 1
LC and I have been heading towards this for a while. And honestly, I’m not even sure that one of us was more anxious for it than the other. Maybe one of us was more vocal, but then someone has to be to get it started. However, in the end, it was a mutual kind of decision.
LC and I decided we are really just friends.
At the end of the day, I wasn’t meeting his needs. He felt I was distant and not letting him into my life. I felt like I could never meet his needs but would always be reminded of that. Neither one of us was actually happy but yet we kept trying.
We kept trying because we care about each other. We kept trying because we wished it could work. We kept trying because maybe we could make a go of it. But in the end, no amount of trying could make it something it wasn’t. And eventually we both got tired until one of us simply said “I think I quit.”
After it was out there, we both knew we were on the same page. It was a relief to have it in the open. It was a weight off of both of our shoulders. We were free to be honest again.
LC and I have decided to keep the best parts of what we were to each other. That includes all of the fun, probably some dinners out, and a great friendship. We will just split the check at dinner from now on and always wear pants. And life will go on.
I am genuinely relieved to have it all out in the open. In the end, I will miss the other things he was. I will miss all of the truly great dinners out. I will miss the physical affection. I will miss always having someone to go experience things with. I will miss romance. I will miss being half of a whole. But while I am wistful, I know that it was definitely for the best. And I am grateful to have kept my friend.
Filed under break up, lucky charms | Comments (11)
