Sleeping over?
Today I have a question for you dear readers. I have been pondering this for a while and have tried it a few times, and I just can’t decide how I feel about it. I am talking about the mid-week sleepover.
LC and I have done this a few times in the past. He’ll come over for dinner or something, we’ll curl up on the couch, then someone gets sleepy. And suddenly, leaving seems like a bad idea and he offers to simply stay over. Perhaps the necessary toiletries and clothing are available, perhaps they aren’t. We’ve had it happen both ways. But he has stayed nonetheless.
It all seems very sweet and innocent at first. But then sometimes things can go awry. First of all, once everyone climbs into bed together in the dark and cuddling commences, things can happen. Now don’t misunderstand, the things, they are good. We like those things. Oh yes we do. Alas, we also get up very very early in the morning. And those things are stealing sleep from us. Oh yes they are. Unfortunately this is something I never think of until the time is already long lost.
Then there’s the matter of actually sleeping with someone who isn’t usually there. The bed feels different, pillows feel different, and the over all temperature and cover situation is all messed up. Sometimes to the point where sleep is greatly interrupted and seriously lost.
And after all of that, there’s the next morning. I have no extra keys so LC either has to leave before me or we have to leave at the same time. Now my morning routine is carefully tailored to my needs and does not have a moment to spare. (Because if there were a moment to spare, I’d sleep in it.) And still, I am usually running a little on the late side. But now my one bathroom has to be shared by two people and there is another whole routine to be accommodated. Invariably I end up running seriously late with bad hair.
By the time it’s all said and done I look and feel disheveled, and I’m missing a large chunk of sleep. The first few times, the smooshy happy cuddly feeling overtakes me, mixes with my morning caffeine, and fuels me through the day. But after that, I sleep less and feel crabbier when I wake up. I get annoyed at having to share the shower and blow dry my hair in the bedroom. And I usually forget to put on mascara or something.
None of this is meant to imply that I don’t adore the sleepovers. But the weekend ones are so much easier to handle. The alarm doesn’t go off at 5 AM, I don’t care how long he takes in the shower, and distractions in bed are welcome as there is no finite limit on sleep. Since we are rushing to nowhere I finish getting ready in the actual bathroom and then curl up with a book or the TV remote while he takes his time getting done. And once we’re both ready, we go grab food at a relaxed and leisurely pace.
But LC keeps pushing for the mid-week sleepovers too. And I feel bad saying no. I mean, despite all I’ve said here, I do like falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I like the way he reaches for me every time he stirs. I like the way we only use a little over half of the queen-sized bed. I like hitting snooze on the alarm and rolling over to cuddle back into his waiting arms.
And it all leaves me wondering, is this just me? Or are the mid-week sleepovers troublesome for others too? What say you, my gentle readers?
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I remember when I was dating “L”. She would kick me out at 5:45 in the morning. I would stumble home to catch a few more hours sleep. I will usually do 1 sleep over during the week. The benefits that way out weight the problems.
LC usually chooses to go straight to work as it is close to my place for him. But yeah, he usually gets booted out of bed to get ready around that same time.
Dude, you are so funny. This just cracks me up. SUCH a creature of habit. So I’m gonna say this. It’s just you. But God love you darlin.
But it’s not just me! Look at the comments. (Okay, it’s a little just me, but not entirely.)
Is LC reasonable enough to understand how the morning logistics are all out of wack when he stays the night? if he does and he cares, then you’d both be wise to either a) climb in bed earlier to offset sleeping time lost or b) set the alarm to go off even EARLIER (don’t hit me!) to give yourselves a smidge more time to get ready for your day. Either way – you gotta deal with it. Me? When my ex was still just a BF, he’d get up earlier than anyone in the house to be out the door before the kids woke up (we were living the LIE). My only other BF before him that would sleep over weeknights only did so when the kids were gone to their father’s house and I even quickly nipped that in the bud becuase he was a HORRIBLE snore-monster. At my age (37), if/when I have another BF with tendancies to sleep over, I don’t think I’d encourage anything mid-week for your exact reasons.
He understands and he’s totally reasonable. It just breaks my heart because he wants to stay just to be close to me. And while he’s perfectly nice about me saying no, I still know he’d rather I said yes.
last time I had a BF stay overnight, he would get up and go home and do his own morning routine in his own place. Problem solved.
Problem is, I’m 5 minutes from work for LC and his home is 20 minutes from work. He’d be going in the wrong direction.
It’s not just you.
I’m quite tall and even though I have an enormous bed now, I still haven’t gotten over the habit of sleeping diagonally…and on my stomach. Both of which tend to be off-putting to others.
Are you okay with taking showers at night? If so, take care of things in the shower together and you’ll both be able to crawl into bed and go to sleep. There’s a lot to be said for saving the marathon sessions for the weekend.
I’d still have to shower in the morning. It’s just touchy because I head to bed much earlier than him on weeknights too. Although I sound like a nay-sayer here, I don’t mean to be. Maybe I’m just sleepy.
I think you are attributing way too much value to the benefits of one night’s sleep. Just tell yourself in the morning that you’re going to be tired today and even if you didn’t sleep last night, you can catch up tonight. So worth it.
Something tells me you are significantly younger than I am. Alas, one night’s sleep does more damage to my entire week than I’d like to admit. Especially when a typical night of sleep is only about 5 hours for me at best.
I’ve had keys to my BF’s place for most of the time we’ve been together. I have a twin bed (really) and roommates, so sleepovers are almost always at his place. I understand that exchanging keys may not be a step you and LC are ready to take, but after you do it, midweek sleepovers are much more feasible. There have been lots of times I’ve slept over and he’s left first and that’s fine for everyone.
In your situation, I’d suggest trying to think ahead and go to bed a bit earlier so that the fooling around doesn’t cancel out the sleeping time.
Yeah, I’m totally not ready to surrender a key yet. I did try the going to sleep earlier thing. He got a little frustrated with me because since I get up so early we headed to bed about 9 PM that night. Quit snickering at me.
I snicker not! I’m fond of saying, “Sleep is the guardian of good health.” We’ve headed to bed before ten at least twice in recent memory.
In that case, you aren’t required to get off my lawn.
Actually, I believe I’m significantly older than you are… old enough, it seems, that I’m reaching the point where my need for sleep has diminished somewhat. Next thing you know, I’ll be advising you to go to bed right after your eating your Early Bird dinner special!
Heh, I hadn’t considered that. In that case…. get off my lawn!
I’m late posting here, but I am not for the mid-week sleepovers. I sleep HORRIBLE, and I can’t be touched when I’m sleeping. Awful and very un-romantic, I know. I need a bed big enough to feel that no one else is there. I also know what lack of sleep does to me. So I don’t blame you if you have to say “no” on that one!
I like when people don’t blame me.
I haven’t been here in awhile since work has been keeping me so busy that I can barely blog myself, but it’s nice to see that you and LC are giving it another shot. I was in a similar situation not long ago, and although it ultimately didn’t work out, many compatibility issues are surmountable with good communication and willingness to try new things.
As for the sleepovers, I am the exact same way. When I am working outside the home, the morning routine is down to a science, and the chaos and sleep deprivation of a “morning after” detract from the warm-fuzzy residue of the previous night. This is compounded by the fact that I am NOT a morning person. I don’t know of any easy solution, but consider it practice for living together since you’ll definitely have to adjust if he ever moves in!
First of all, you just gave me a heart attack. second, if he actually lived here, he wouldn’t get up with me. He’d simply sleep through the whole morning. That would be easier, believe it or not.
I realize you may shoot me for this suggestion, but here goes. You explain to him how sleep-deprivation is painful for you and yet you like it when he stays over. Offer this option: He stays but no sex. (Don’t throw things at me!) You can then cuddle but get the sleep you need.
I know this doesn’t make a dent in the sharing the bathroom thing in the morning, but taking a shower together is very nice and accomplishes part of the issue. However, I know it can also elongate the shower time! I’m just offering ideas to try!
Dating Goddess
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Actually we did that (or didn’t, as the case may be) the last time he stayed over mid-week. Alas, I still slept badly, got up early, and ran late to work.
I totally agree on the mid-week sleepover thing. During the week I am a creature of habit at night AND in the morning. Having the boy over is great and usually leads to great things, but it also annoys me a little because it breaks my routine. So, I think what we need to do, Jane, is get used to it. Gradually alter our beloved routines for some weekday nookie.
Hold on just a second here… there certainly doesn’t have to be a sleepover in order to get weekday nookie. At least, not in my world.
I am just so excited that you guys are making this work. You came back from the land of no return. Virtually unheard of.
Now, onto this. I am the outlier here. I have completely rearranged my sleep patterns for men I adore. I’m not suggesting that that’s the right thing to do or that anyone else do it, but that it seems like the natural choice for me. I will start waking up earlier, going to sleep later, going to sleep earlier, live on no sleep except for the weekends… I’m just so much happier when I’m sharing my bed with someone (and that includes all the nooky I can get).
Well, honestly that depends on your version of making it work. I’d more realitically say that right now we’re trying to make it work.
I read this the other day and meant to comment, but a week of being sick has left me fuzzy headed – anyhoo here I am now!
My first suggestion was to share a key – The Editor has a key to my apt and lets himself in at night on his regular mid-week sleep over nights since I’m usually already in bed. I’m a light sleeper so I normally wake up when he comes in, but him having a key stops me from having to get out of bed and open the door for him. He comes in, crawls in bed, tells me about his day, then we curl up and drift off.
We also have the benefit (at least concerning sleep overs) of working alternate shifts. I’m a mon-fri 8-5 girl and he works Fri-Tue 1pm-10pm, so he snoozes while I get up and get ready for work, I kiss him bye when I head to work and leave him snuggled in my bed, then he gets up an hour later, showers, gets ready and locks up behind himself when he leaves.
The alternate shift makes it difficult for us to spend much time together – I’m off weekends, he works weekends, so his wed and thur nights off are the only evenings we get to really see each other – which is one reason we scheduled a regular mid-week sleep over, so we could just be together more.
The first few times we both slept badly because we wanted to cuddle all night, which is good for an hour or two, but then you want to move to your normal sleeping positions, after a while though you just get into a routine – snuggle for a bit at bed time, then roll over to your side and sleep how you normally do, then he wakes up with me in the morning so we can snuggle some more before I get up to get ready for work and he goes back to sleep.
Not sure any of this helps you because it sounds like you and LC are on similar schedules, but for me personally – I sleep better knowing Matthew is there… even if he is snoring on the other side of the bed lol.
I won’t even leave a hairdryer at his place, there is totally no key-sharing going on here.
Of all things I can relate to this one is it. I am a very light sleeper anyway so having the BF in the bed is a night of restless sleep for me too. I do think that most couples eventually do get used to the routine. It may take a while, but have faith. Me….I am not holding my breath for my situation. I will always be either BF or sleep deprived.
I’ll get used to the routine… just as soon as I move in with someone. Until then? I am resistant.
I agree with you. I am a creature of habit and I’ve found that the mid-week sleepovers will sometimes cause me a weird…unrest. A kind of anxiety, almost, because I just don’t like my routine being that thrown. And it isn’t that I’ve lived alone for a long period of time; I was in a four year relationship that just ended about 14 months ago.
It just snowballs. I get antsy about her not being out of bed and me not being able to blast the television news while I’m showering. This then makes me feel selfish and guilty. And so in the course of being awake for 10 minutes, I’ve managed to feel a little resentful, anxious, selfish and guilty.
WTF. Not a great way to start the day.
-R.
That is it EXACTLY. Like, right down to the television news. You are my people.
I agree with you. Why don’t you flip it and try it at his place and add a little exaggeration to the time it takes to do things and see how it goes. Maybe he’ll change his mind.
Yeah, that wouldn’t and didn’t work. He leaves later than me so it didn’t matter how long I took at his place. The last thing I did before I left was to wake him up and he still got to work early.
You could plan the sleep over. Go to be a little or much earlier. Then the cuddle and play doesn’t cut too much into your sleep time. The morning is tougher to nudge, habits being habits. Is LC worth the crazy mornings?
Going to bed earlier didn’t change that particular outcome. And to answer your question, I’m not sure.