Hi there
Oh hi there! Why yes, I am still alive. Why, were you looking for me? Right, sorry about that. I’m here. Yes, right here. Still.
The thing is, I’ve been a little busy lately. So yeah, maybe I’ve been a little quiet too. I’m going out of town for work for a bit so I’ll probably be quiet just a little bit longer. Then, hopefully, I’ll wake back up again to charm the pants off you.
Well, not literally. No really, you can put those back on.
And I’ll be seeing you in just a bit.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (5)Sleeping over?
Today I have a question for you dear readers. I have been pondering this for a while and have tried it a few times, and I just can’t decide how I feel about it. I am talking about the mid-week sleepover.
LC and I have done this a few times in the past. He’ll come over for dinner or something, we’ll curl up on the couch, then someone gets sleepy. And suddenly, leaving seems like a bad idea and he offers to simply stay over. Perhaps the necessary toiletries and clothing are available, perhaps they aren’t. We’ve had it happen both ways. But he has stayed nonetheless.
It all seems very sweet and innocent at first. But then sometimes things can go awry. First of all, once everyone climbs into bed together in the dark and cuddling commences, things can happen. Now don’t misunderstand, the things, they are good. We like those things. Oh yes we do. Alas, we also get up very very early in the morning. And those things are stealing sleep from us. Oh yes they are. Unfortunately this is something I never think of until the time is already long lost.
Then there’s the matter of actually sleeping with someone who isn’t usually there. The bed feels different, pillows feel different, and the over all temperature and cover situation is all messed up. Sometimes to the point where sleep is greatly interrupted and seriously lost.
And after all of that, there’s the next morning. I have no extra keys so LC either has to leave before me or we have to leave at the same time. Now my morning routine is carefully tailored to my needs and does not have a moment to spare. (Because if there were a moment to spare, I’d sleep in it.) And still, I am usually running a little on the late side. But now my one bathroom has to be shared by two people and there is another whole routine to be accommodated. Invariably I end up running seriously late with bad hair.
By the time it’s all said and done I look and feel disheveled, and I’m missing a large chunk of sleep. The first few times, the smooshy happy cuddly feeling overtakes me, mixes with my morning caffeine, and fuels me through the day. But after that, I sleep less and feel crabbier when I wake up. I get annoyed at having to share the shower and blow dry my hair in the bedroom. And I usually forget to put on mascara or something.
None of this is meant to imply that I don’t adore the sleepovers. But the weekend ones are so much easier to handle. The alarm doesn’t go off at 5 AM, I don’t care how long he takes in the shower, and distractions in bed are welcome as there is no finite limit on sleep. Since we are rushing to nowhere I finish getting ready in the actual bathroom and then curl up with a book or the TV remote while he takes his time getting done. And once we’re both ready, we go grab food at a relaxed and leisurely pace.
But LC keeps pushing for the mid-week sleepovers too. And I feel bad saying no. I mean, despite all I’ve said here, I do like falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I like the way he reaches for me every time he stirs. I like the way we only use a little over half of the queen-sized bed. I like hitting snooze on the alarm and rolling over to cuddle back into his waiting arms.
And it all leaves me wondering, is this just me? Or are the mid-week sleepovers troublesome for others too? What say you, my gentle readers?
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (19)Taking it back
Ever say something so awful that the moment you calm down you wish you could take it back? You just want to snatch the words out of the air and make them disappear. You want to erase their effect on whoever you said them to. You wish you could rewind time and make it not happen.
But the bottom line is that once you’ve said something, especially something like “I want to break up because I think we’re not sexually compatible” it’s out there. You can never make it not have happened. There is no undo button. So, I assume, like most of us probably do, that the damage is done and can’t be undone.
And while that is true, the damage is indeed done… maybe it can be undone a little after all. Maybe sometimes, you can backtrack just enough to start to repair what your words have caused. Maybe those words can even be a catalyst for change.
LC did not give up. I broke up with him but he never gave up. It felt wrong to both of us on many levels and for many reasons. It was not good. And so, we decided to try again. Just a few days after I had said those words to LC, I was able to take some of it back. Was it the right thing? I don’t know. But this past week has felt much better than those one or two horrible days did. And so, we continue to try.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (9)How do you know?
Every day we are presented with choices. For better or worse, we constantly make decisions about our lives. Which outfit to wear, which way to turn, which brand to buy, and who to date. I always imagine that with each decision we make some doors close and others hopefully open. But how do we know if we’re opening the right doors? How do we know if we’re making the right choices?
Last night I did something you probably won’t understand. I broke up with LC.
I’ve been back and forth about it for weeks now. He is an amazing guy. I’ve never dated someone who was so universally good to me. He always wanted to be with me and was crystal clear about it. No mixed messages. He took care of me when I needed it. Not because he felt like he had to but because he wanted to be there. He did little things to let me know he cared. He did big things too. He is the kind of boyfriend you brag about to your friends. And your friends are a mixture of thrilled for you and jealous all at once. He is nothing short of amazing.
So why did I break up with him? Because in some areas our compatibility just wasn’t there. And most of them were behind closed bedroom doors. I am not pointing fingers or blaming anyone. I’m saying the problem lies not with one of us or the other, but the combination of the two. Yes I had my issues with that situation, but so did he. We were both struggling. And we tried to work on it feebly but neither one of us knew how to resolve it.
The more I thought about it, the more I thought LC had staying power and long term potential. And then I realized the gravity of the incompatibility issue. Was I willing to be dissatisfied in that area for the long term? What if the long term was until death do us part? Could I live with bedroom compatibility issues for my happily ever after? How happily could that ever after be if that was the case?
In the end, I realized that both of us deserve nothing less than the entire package. That we are both great people who deserve to be happy… in all ways. And that staying together, despite all that was good and right with us, was doing the both of us a disservice. And so I spoke up.
It was horrible. The thing is, we both care for each other very much. Making the decision to break up does not change that fact. I still had lingering dreams of what my life would be like with LC. And I believe he feels the same way about me. It is mutual, much like everything else. So ending it, even knowing why, felt artificial and wrong. Because in order to get what we both deserve in all aspects of our lives, we had to give up something that was great in most of them. This kind of breakup feels like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Especially when throughout the entire conversation it is evident that neither of us wants it to happen.
So it is that I sit here with a heavy heart. I still doubt what I did, even though I vividly remember why I did it. I still wonder if this decision was the right one. If this path will lead to happiness. If the door to my happily ever after just opened wide somewhere. And I wish there were some way to know that walking away from LC will eventually lead me to the happy ending I deserve. Because if I could see that it didn’t, I’d turn around right now and get him back.
I miss him already.
Filed under break up, lucky charms | Comments (16)Honey, I’m home!
Did I scare you? I mean, did you think my long silence was due to the fact that I was marooned in a snow drift somewhere freezing to death? Or perhaps I’d been thrown from the bobsled and run over? Were you grieving for me?
Yeah right. I know you were really just annoyed that I hadn’t said anything yet. Well fine. Whatever. I’m okay though.
In fact, LC and I had a grand time playing in the snow. While I did not prove my amazing athletic acumen, I also did not manage to fall over, injure myself, or do anything else with a potentially high amusement value while we were out there. I did, however, learn to properly appreciate the value of good snow pants and a wooly hat.
Unfortunately, on the drive home from our weekend in the snow, I caught a deadly virus of some sort and landed myself flat on my back in bed for an entire week. And not in the fun way. So that explains my failure to update in a timely fashion. Never fear though, I have returned to health again so my antics here will not suffer permanent damage.
And I missed you too. 
