Spilling the beans
At the end of last year, I had a revelation. For me, it was one of those fundamental “Ah ha!” moments you have sometimes in life. If I were actually a cartoon character, a little lightbulb would have lit right over my head. Still, I did it quietly, and I hesitated to share because, well, it doesn’t paint a very nice picture of me. Not even in my own head. But lately, I’ve noticed maybe one of my friends could benefit from the same “Ah ha!” and then I thought maybe other people might to. So in the interest of full disclosure, and amusing my dear readers, I will spill the beans.
It happened at the end of last year when I was seeing LC and still juggling Big quietly in the background. I did it without really talking about it here because that too was shameful. But I did it nonetheless. And I realized I was pushing and poking and prodding Big for commitment, for more, for anything at all really other than what we were. He knew I had more emotionally invested in him than he had in me. And he would throw me a scrap now and again but he would never offer me more than that. And what was worse is that I knew he never would. I would tell anyone who listened that we would never be more than we were. I’m pretty sure I said it here too. And yet I soldiered on.
In contrast, I had LC. He was willing to go away with me, to meet my family and friends, to introduce me to his. He accepted me into his life and eventually was willing to say we would just be with each other. Sure he doesn’t know what the future will bring, but to be fair neither one of us owns a crystal ball. Still, he is willing to give me himself and to throw himself in. And even after that point was clear, I held him at arm’s length.
So why was I chasing after Big who would never want me, but holding LC back when he did?
And here is the moment of truth. I did it because I was in the habit of only throwing myself into a relationship when I knew it wouldn’t work.
No really, go back and read that again, I’ll wait. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? When put into print and vocalized that way it makes me seem terminally insane. I’m not a crazy loon most of the time, but there it is. I was so afraid of getting hurt by someone I cared about… so afraid of being blindsided, that I only let in people who would never take me up on it. Before LC there were three of them. Big was the huge one… the shining example of what is wrong with me. Then there was the guy I never named. And to a much lesser degree (because I wised up much faster with him) was Zombie Guy. All men I would have let in, and all impossible situations with people who would never have returned the favor.
I was so afraid of getting hurt that I thought I was protecting myself. But here’s another horrible truth about my flawed philosophy: By doing that I only ever guaranteed I’d be hurt more and more often. I was outsmarting myself and creating the very monster I was afraid of. And then it becomes a vicious circle in which I would continue to get hurt. And each time I got hurt it was another reason not to let people in. So each time I got lonely I would turn to the wrong guy. Then I would get hurt again. Then it was another reason.
I was cheating myself. I was cheating myself out of happiness. And this part of it, this part of the loneliness… it was my fault. I did this. I own up to it now.
I don’t promise I won’t do it again. I don’t claim to be reformed. But I’m trying. And I’m hoping that maybe… just maybe… if someone sees a little of themselves in this they will break the cycle too. The one thing you all have taught me is that I’m rarely alone in my feelings or reactions. So I hope that some of you can get some worth out of my very large mistakes.
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I think this is pretty common behavior for those who have been hurt. I’ve also found a great guy but find myself emotionally backing away for fear of the pain that might result if I throw myself into it 100%.
I hope to be able to work on this in the future, but right now I don’t think my heart could handle the pain again. Soon, hopefully.
Here’s what I didn’t do that I wish maybe I would have… taken the time to work on me *before* trying to date again. Regardless, if he’s really a good guy then you owe it to both him and yourself to decide if you can go in or not. And if you can’t, don’t hold him off… let him go.
*Looking around innocently* Who me?
You’re a lucky girl, to have come to a point of revelations like this.
I’m envious.
Ha! The good news is you can at least tell when I’m aiming at you.
I am happy to see the hope. I try to feel it, but it would be more accurate to say I live it through reading about your life here on these pages which I have done for quite a while and said little.
I feel I am special (don’t we all?!) and my hurt is just too big to get through, to live on the other side of. My hurt was not about losing a lover, or two or ten.
Mine was about losing a child.
But, I keep trying. And in the spirit of continuously trying, I wanted to acknowledge you and thank you for sharing your journey and hope.
Well, you’re welcome, and thanks for reading. Your loss is something I have no epxerience in so I won’t claim to understand how it feels or how to work through it.
I had this exact same revelation about myself over the holidays, after a one night stand. I sat back and asked myself why? Because it’s easier to fall for someone you know is going to hurt you? Because you know the heartache is a guarantee – there is no chance involved. You’re right, writing it kind of makes you realise how rediculous it is.
It’s good to know I’m not alone.
I don’t think we’re ever really alone, even when we think we are. Now that you can see how ridiculous it looks, the next step is to do something healthy about it. (Watch out, that next step’s a doozy.)
I am my own worst enemy, but you continue to show me that it’s something I can change. I love you, my friend!
We can always change. But it’s rarely easy to do so.
All that make sense when you see it on paper, but when it comes to the matters of the heart a person seems to always want use it instead of their brain. I think I have been on both ends of that. The “Big” is the better of the two by far.
I’m sorry, did you just say Big is better than LC? Big who slept with me for over a year but never let me into his apartment or introduced me to any of his friends? Big who would only mention the possibility of maybe commitment someday when he felt I was on the verge of leaving him? Are you saying he’s better than LC who takes me out, goes places with me, treats me well, and introduces me to all of his friends? LC who is not seeing other people and talks about what we’ll do together when the weather gets warmer?
I’m hoping one of us has just misunderstood the other here…
Hey – at least you realized what your doing! I often do, too, and then completely ignore myself. But acceptance is the first road to …somewhere!
Good luck in 2009!
Now you know… and knowing is half the battle!
As I have said before…the nice guy is often underrated. Go you!;)
I wasn’t always, but at this stage in my life I am the nice guys’ biggest fan!
This is so common for most women, we tend to want what we can’t have. I know I must’ve been there a million and one times!
BTW I love your blog and I left you an award here stop by and pick it up!
Emily
Blah-Zay
Mama and Hustler???
My Mommy Chronicles
It’s not that I necessarily wanted Big more than LC. It’s that I deliberately picked emotionally unavailable men and only committed to them. BEcause on some level I knew they’d never return that favor and I’d never get taken by surprise and really ruined.
It was a misunderstanding. I’m saying “Big” is not better than “LC”. But it’s better to be a “Big” than the person “Big” is in a psuedo-relationship with. Hopefully that makes since.
Oh! I gotcha now…. sorry about that.
I still disagree though. I think the people on both sides of that situation are cheating themselves. And while it may seem like the grass is greener, I think Big has his own damage to deal with. And I doubt he’s handling any of it productively.
Yea!! I am so excited for you. This is the kind of Ah-Ha that can truly change your life.
And it’s not crazy, at least in that it’s common! It has it’s own internal logic- as you said it has good intentions to start- as a way to protect yourself- it just ends up back firing- and creating what you fear to begin with. So, clearly not the path to happiness, as we all know far too well.
I know personally, because I used to bounce back and forth between those emotionally unavailable men and ones who were available but not my equal.
I am recovered and I am sure you will too!
I’m trying. This kind of thing isn’t easy, but understanding it at least gets you halfway there.