Official Notice
This is your official notice. I am potentially in great danger.
LC and I have decided to go on a snowy adventure weekend. This involves driving into far away mountains, wearing many layers of puffy unflattering clothes, and then doing a bunch of stuff which sounds really cool but may really just reveal what a klutz I am. Despite all obstacles, I am still stupidly excited.
I am going bobsledding. And snowshoeing, and dogsledding, and maybe even toboganing. Oh yes, yes I am.
If you knew me, you’d be laughing right now for several reasons. First and foremost, I am a klutz. I possess a total talent for injuring myself in bizarre ways doing relatively mundane things. I have rotten balance. I fall down a lot. Second I am crazy out of shape. You may or may not have noticed that a few of those activities could be physically demanding. And I lack the physique that they might then demand. So yes, much hilarity may ensue here.
Add to that pile that I will do it all in front of LC. I will don 4 layers of clothing and waddle about in three feet of snow. I will try not to scream on a bobsled. I will attempt to be graceful as I walk around in snow shoes. And then I will pretend I’m fine the next morning when every square inch of my body is screaming in pain. Oh yes, and thanks to the necessity for knit hats this weekend, I will have perpetually bad hair.
I expect the outcome to be amusing for you. Just remember dear readers, it’s all about you.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (9)Philosophically Speaking…
… I wonder if this man was dropped on his head as a child. Last night he texted AGAIN. This is what it said:
Well if you change your mind let me know. Hope your new year is starting off well.
If I don’t answer him, do you think he’ll go away? I really just want him to go away. Why won’t he just go the hell away???
Filed under philosopher | Comments (7)Big Things
Alright, now just hold your fire out there, okay? I’m going to be a little honest here. It’s not easy as I’ve hauled off and broken my own rules. But, you know, no one’s perfect. And so it goes.
I’d attempt to explain the exact chain of events that led to this, but it’s a little twisty. Just trust me when I say that Big did not contact me. A website fired off a notification email for something no one meant to have done in the first place. It festered with me as much of this situation has been for 2 weeks now. And I found myself unable to leave it alone. Even though when I went to look, the reason for the notification didn’t exist. Even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I sent him an email. A one word email. It simply said “Why?”
At first he just apologized and tried to duck back out. But like a scab I couldn’t stop picking now. I picked at him one more time. And everything came tumbling out.
Let me explain something here. All of you may not understand this, but you’re just going to have to trust me a little on this one. Despite all the messy naked stuff and feelings and all, Big and I have been good friends this past year. We shared a lot, we leaned on each other a lot. And maybe I didn’t realize how much I would miss that too when I pulled everything back from him. Over the past two weeks there have been a dozen things I wanted to tell him. Stupid things, little day to day things. I wanted to tell him I finally got my stereo rigged up right, and ask him how to disable a hardwired smoke alarm without damaging things. I wanted to see if his friend liked the book he got her for Christmas. I wanted to tell him funny things about my co-workers and see how his job was going. I didn’t want to leap naked on him (Well maybe I did. But I really did know I wouldn’t.) but I missed the rest too.
As it turns out, I was not the only one. And he was hurting from missing me as much as I was hurting from missing him. Because if we were nothing else, we were always friends. Always. From the very beginning.
A lot of other things were said too. Things I am not going to tell you here. Not bad things. Just things. But the end result is this… I don’t want to lose my friend and neither does he. So we called a truce. A fully clothed, pants on truce. A totally DTM-violating truce.
And so it was that Big became the first man I’ve ever loved enough to hold onto as a friend. I guess there really is a first time for everything.
Filed under Mr. Big | Comments (14)Philosopher Redux
I swear I can’t even make this up. Here is an actual text message conversation that took place just now:
Him: Hey jane. Up for chatting?
Me: Who is this?
Him: The Philosopher from yahoo. We hung out about a year ago.
Me: Geez, yes I remember now. But no, not really interested in chatting.
I mean seriously. Seriously! In case you have managed to forget, please review the tale of The Philosopher. So after all of that, he somehow seriously thought a year later I would want a booty call from him? Yeah, not so much. I hope that was a sufficiently clear answer.
There was dead silence after my last text to him. Let’s hope it stays that way. Forever.
Filed under philosopher | Comments (9)Spilling the beans
At the end of last year, I had a revelation. For me, it was one of those fundamental “Ah ha!” moments you have sometimes in life. If I were actually a cartoon character, a little lightbulb would have lit right over my head. Still, I did it quietly, and I hesitated to share because, well, it doesn’t paint a very nice picture of me. Not even in my own head. But lately, I’ve noticed maybe one of my friends could benefit from the same “Ah ha!” and then I thought maybe other people might to. So in the interest of full disclosure, and amusing my dear readers, I will spill the beans.
It happened at the end of last year when I was seeing LC and still juggling Big quietly in the background. I did it without really talking about it here because that too was shameful. But I did it nonetheless. And I realized I was pushing and poking and prodding Big for commitment, for more, for anything at all really other than what we were. He knew I had more emotionally invested in him than he had in me. And he would throw me a scrap now and again but he would never offer me more than that. And what was worse is that I knew he never would. I would tell anyone who listened that we would never be more than we were. I’m pretty sure I said it here too. And yet I soldiered on.
In contrast, I had LC. He was willing to go away with me, to meet my family and friends, to introduce me to his. He accepted me into his life and eventually was willing to say we would just be with each other. Sure he doesn’t know what the future will bring, but to be fair neither one of us owns a crystal ball. Still, he is willing to give me himself and to throw himself in. And even after that point was clear, I held him at arm’s length.
So why was I chasing after Big who would never want me, but holding LC back when he did?
And here is the moment of truth. I did it because I was in the habit of only throwing myself into a relationship when I knew it wouldn’t work.
No really, go back and read that again, I’ll wait. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? When put into print and vocalized that way it makes me seem terminally insane. I’m not a crazy loon most of the time, but there it is. I was so afraid of getting hurt by someone I cared about… so afraid of being blindsided, that I only let in people who would never take me up on it. Before LC there were three of them. Big was the huge one… the shining example of what is wrong with me. Then there was the guy I never named. And to a much lesser degree (because I wised up much faster with him) was Zombie Guy. All men I would have let in, and all impossible situations with people who would never have returned the favor.
I was so afraid of getting hurt that I thought I was protecting myself. But here’s another horrible truth about my flawed philosophy: By doing that I only ever guaranteed I’d be hurt more and more often. I was outsmarting myself and creating the very monster I was afraid of. And then it becomes a vicious circle in which I would continue to get hurt. And each time I got hurt it was another reason not to let people in. So each time I got lonely I would turn to the wrong guy. Then I would get hurt again. Then it was another reason.
I was cheating myself. I was cheating myself out of happiness. And this part of it, this part of the loneliness… it was my fault. I did this. I own up to it now.
I don’t promise I won’t do it again. I don’t claim to be reformed. But I’m trying. And I’m hoping that maybe… just maybe… if someone sees a little of themselves in this they will break the cycle too. The one thing you all have taught me is that I’m rarely alone in my feelings or reactions. So I hope that some of you can get some worth out of my very large mistakes.
Filed under confession | Comments (11)Great Things to Come
So in my last post I took stock of a year gone by. In this one I’d like to look at the opportunities of a fresh year laid before me.
First of all, 2009 is already off to an amazing start. LC and I spent New Year’s Eve together. We didn’t do anything splashy or big… we just stayed at home together. We drank lots (and lots and lots) ate great food, and kissed at midnight. A couple hours later we slid in to bed. Together. And when we woke up the next morning, he told me how much he liked waking up next to me, and wished me a happy new year. Now that’s a way to start a year.
So, for 2009 I don’t have resolutions. I do know some things though. I already know I will take a few risks. I already know I plan on holding back less and living more. I plan on letting LC in and letting him take care of me a bit. I am, in fact, already doing just that.
And maybe this will end with heartbreak. But maybe it won’t. And for once, for the first time in a long time really, I plan on finding out. That is my plan for 2009.
Now, if you all could wish a few pounds off my ass, that would really just make this perfect.
Filed under lucky charms | Comments (10)
