Breaking up is hard to do
Back in August, I did a guest post for Ms. Single Mama all about my philosophy of breaking up. Recently a good friend reminded me of this as it became pertinent in my life for a fleeting moment (not with LC, just relax everyone) and I was reminded that I never posted this here for you. So, without further ado, I offer you my very own sage advice on how best to survive a break up.
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Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.
My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, you new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*
First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.
Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you). We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voicemails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?
Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way. These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.
On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest. Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie. I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.
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I don’t think I’ll ever look at zombies in the same way again!
Great post. I’ll start trying to practice DTM … soon
Singlegal
My dear, as I posted this today, I thought of you a little too. Glad to hear it.
One of the best blogs I’ve read. Excellent advice, oh wise one!
Thanks.
Brilliant.
Must hang this, with portions highlighted, right next to the computer and phone.
But only after all shreds of that contact info have been eradicated.
Fabulous, funny and right on target. Where was this when I really needed it?
Probably trapped inside my head, I’m sorry to say.
5 years later my ex-fiance’s number is still in my phone, I still have old IM conversation logs on my computer. I’m thinking when it comes to DTM me=fail lol.
Thankfully, or maybe not – I have all kinds of new boy drama to distract me from those thoughts that still manage to sneak by me. ‘does he think about me’, ‘what if…’, ‘is he doing ok’ etc and blah blah
If you don’t mind I may guest post you today. My mind is scrambled with the newest man drama and my readers deserve some good word =)
As long as you credit me properly and link back to my site, have at it.
My boy and I were together for 22 mos, apart for 14, and now we’ve been back for about ten. We were terrible at breaking up, in large part because we’re really good friends. In our particular case, certain things that needed to change actually have, so although I don’t know for sure, I have hope that we’ll make it this time. Whether or not we do, I’m not strong enough not to try. But if we don’t, I’m gonna need DTM.
Incidentally, I exchange the odd email/text with my ex (the guy I dated while my boy and I were apart). It’s easy to maintain casual contact there ’cause I was never all the way in love with him.
I sincerely hope you are the exception to my rule.
Urgh. I’m not there yet. I have no excuses. I’ll consider this post a kick in the ass. Thanks.
Glad I could help.
Sometimes, a good friend is just what we need to straighten out our thoughts, isn’t it?
Oh and a good kick in the ass every now and again too. Heh.
You are my sunshine.
I have practiced DTM with moderate success. I did all the deleting, blocking, etc. I’d like to add to that list that its not ok to “copy” all those emails and/or IMs to a text file and burry it in some obscure folder or spare thumb drive. Another suggestion with DTM is to even “cremate” the Ex by printing out those emails/IMs and then burning them – quite cathartic.
Yes, copying does not equal deleting. And I love the idea of a DTM ceremony!
Hard to do when you share a child….
Obviously this is not a solution for the father of your children. But I doubt that describes every ex you have.
I am soooo ready to start chanting DTM!!
Thank you, like Ms.Florida Transplant, I often need a kick in the ass and will remember DTM when the time comes
When the time comes, I will be right behind you wearing my ass kicking boots. You know I’m good for it.
[...] my ex-wife had cheated on me, I’d feel wronged and move on as if she were dead to me. If she had left because she thought I wouldn’t amount to anything, I’d drown myself in [...]
Okay, I actually read this back when you guested on Ms. Single Mama. But it was the right time for me to see it again. Just as good the second time around.
Maybe we both needed to see it again. I know I was due too.
I used DTM with the Ex Hubby. After I told him I wanted a divorce he immediately suggested friendship. I declined and explained to him “I don’t have friends like you. My friends enjoy who I am, they don’t try to change me. They like me and treat me with respect. If you acted at all like a friend to me then perhaps we wouldn’t be getting divorced” He was shocked by the words but they were very true. Since then, he’s moved (a few times I think) and I’ve moved.
People seem surprised when I don’t know or care about his whereabouts and going ons. However, I’m quite happy with my life so I don’t see the point of mucking it up with his bad energy.
Now, as for other ex’s… I’m pretty good about it for the most part although I do keep in occasional touch with the last one. He’s in Iraq so I just kinda like to make sure he’s ok.
Woman, you should win the Nobel prize for this.
DTM, it’s my new motto for every past relationship.
I wish my Ex could be DTM. Unfortunately, while I put all his stuff outside and had him come pick it up…I held aside 3 big items until he paid me some money he owes me. So, I have to look at that stuff every day until we settle up. Ugh…
My boyfriend and I broke up on Sunday (yes, just in time for Christmas!) and I haven’t talked to him since. And then, just as I was reading your post, the phone rang and lo and behold, it’s his name on the call display. Part of me wanted to pick up, but the sane part of me screamed: ZOMBIE!
So, thanks for that – you made a real difference!
Way to go! Take it one victory at a time hon. And buy yourself something nice for Christmas.
[...] my friends, is why I like to practice DTM. With DTM I can have imaginary arguments with him in my head. With DTM I can write angry letters I [...]
[...] is a technique that I have used for over 4 years now but never put a name to it. Jane at Onedatewonderland.com really explains it [...]
I was so impressed with this that I posted it on my own blog with a link back to you. I wanted to email you instead of posting it here but could not find your contact info.
You can see it here:
http://successfuldatingpro.com/uncategorized/recently-broken-up-and-cannot-let-go/
Thanks so much for the link! I’m going to make some changes so my contact info is easier to find.
Whoa, this is awesome. I am adopting this motto!!
Glad I could help!
You are very welcome! I love to give credit to people that deserve it:) You have a great site!!
[...] I’ve become quite fond of Twitter. I think I’ve mentioned that before. This morning @onedatewonder alerted her followers that she’d posted something new on her site, Confessions of a One Date Wonder. The post is called Breaking Up is Hard to Do. [...]
[...] In one, people break up and never, ever, EVER, speak to their ex again. Jane Wonder wrote a fabulous post on this and labeled the method, Dead to Me (I’ve since mentioned it repeatedly on this [...]