Not Fair
Apparently I am not as cool as I wish I was. I mean, I thought I was cool. I was calm. I didn’t lose my head or anything. I am so over this, right? Oh sure. And that’s why one of my closest friends pointed out to me this weekend that I have told her my ex is engaged every single time I’ve seen her since it happened.
That’s right, my ex is engaged. And I’m not taking it well.
It doesn’t seem fair, you know? I have two ex-husbands now. Two of them. Not to imply that I’m a perfect angel, because I’m not. But both of them did something pretty terrible to me. So it seems like in some karmic way I should come out on top, right? Of course.
Except ex #1 is married to the girl he slept with while we were married and they have a son now. And ex #2 has hauled off and gotten engaged to the girl he was dating while he was trying to get me back. And what of me? That’s right, I’m living alone without a boyfriend or even a cat.
Singlegal reminded me today that I’m not the only one. That I’m normal. But that doesn’t stop me from joining her in her virtual temper tantrum. Or from thinking that it’s simply not fair.
I was the one who was wronged. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one who did the right thing. And I’m the only one who’s still alone. So you see, it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I’m also the one who goes to bed alone every night. That I’m the one who is starved for human touch. That I’m the one who still cries themself to sleep some nights. That I’m the one who is starting to think I’m meant to be alone and never meant to have children.
Ironically, I don’t want either of these men. I am happier without them, and that’s not a line. I don’t regret leaving in either case. I’m not sorry.
But still, it’s not fair. And I want to be over it. I want to be ok with this, but I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m not cool. And I haven’t been able to let go yet. And that makes me angrier than their newborn son or their engagement announcement. The fact that I can’t let go is what weighs on me now. I want to be over it. I want to be done. So why aren’t I?
Yesterday as I laid down for a nap I dreamed of ex #2. I dreamed he sent me pictures of his new apartment with his new fiancee. I dreamed he told me how he was doing things right with her even though he didn’t with me. Then, in my dream, I somehow let myself in while they weren’t home, and looked around. It was a beautiful place. What I might have wanted with him once upon a time. And just as I went to leave, he came home. I ran and hid and then abruptly woke up with my heart pounding.
I wish I were a bigger person than this, but apparently I’m not. I wish I were over this, but apparently I’m not. I wish I were better than this, but apparently I’m not.
And sometimes, life just isn’t fair.
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I was the one who was wronged. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one who did the right thing. And I’m the only one who’s still alone.
Same story here. I’m the one with the struggles, and yeah…sometimes it just pisses me off. No, life isn’t fair. I have no great words of wisdom. Only empathy and a big virtual hug.
I know life isn’t fair. Just sometimes, it gets to you… you know?
Hear Hear Sister! We need to do something fun with our virtual temper tantrum – shake up the interwebs.
Another potentially unhealthy feeling, but I seek solace in the fact that somewhere, in all of this, I know Ex is thinking about me. I’m sure yours is, too.
XOXO
Singlegal
Oh I know he is. Pain in the butt won’t stop contacting me. I actually had to block him on Facebook. Seriously.
Oh sister…….I know only too well how you feel. The day my ex got remarried was one of the hardest I’ve faced in my journey through divorce and healing. I thought, “when will it be my turn?” The loneliness I feel is palpable at times. And yes – I chose this path when I chose to leave, but it sure doesn’t mean it’s fair or that I have to like it.
(((hugs)))
Take comfort in the fact that it sure as hell beats the alternative.
Hey if you don’t want a healthy relationship you can find someone by the time the sun goes down. Do you really think these are going to be happy/healthy relationships? Still sucks though.
Of course I have no way of knowing if they are truly happy. But #2 sure does appear to be. Which is nauseating at best.
I was in your place last month. It sucks. Every day I’m reminded about it. …And it sucks.
Hang in there.
We all need to find the strength to let go. I just wish I knew how.
“I was the one who was wronged. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one who did the right thing. And I’m the only one who’s still alone.”
oh yes. i know that feeling too. i say that i am the only one who got the short end of the crappy stick. it’s been especially hard since the ex’s girlfriend finally left her husband and he has been especially happy since. sometimes i really hate that life isnt fair!
it’s true, you aren’t alone. even though it certainly feels that way at times.
I try to remind myself that their happiness doesn’t have any relation to mine. But sometimes doesn’t it just feel like they’re taking an unfair chunk of happy from the world and denying deserving people?
You have said the words that are on my mind. I wish I had more, but I don’t.
AS you can see here, you’re not alone. None of us are.
You know he’s not the one for you. You KNOW it. And he may not be the right one for her, but he’s her problem now.
If you think it would help, ask him to stop contacting you. He’s got another fiancee and _he’s her problem now._ Whatever he needs a woman for, tell him he should ask her.
You underestimate me.
I asked for that a year ago, in January when they moved in, and again in September. When he proved he could not leave me alone? I blocked him. It’s not the contact that gets me, it is simply the knowledge that he is engaged and happy. If that makes sense.
(Not that I begrudge him or her happiness. Just that it’s unfair that I cannot have the same after all he did to me.)
erhm.. resident jerk has arrived.
COMMON ladies. WTF? Life is SHORT, BRUTAL, UGLY, DIRTY, unfair, hard… etc. Thanks for the reminder.
I do understand, I can empathize. Been there. You know what? Whatever!
Jealousy is an easy emotion to fall into an endless loop that leads to self-loathing, anger, and fear. It sucks! It can be a very damaging. SO STOP IT.
I love how emotional you all are. I don’t think us guys will ever really understand how intense and present your emotions can make you feel inside. How they can massively motivate you all into action.. as well as how they can also utterly fail you.
So.. knowing this, it is even more critical to put things into -perspective-. These EXs are getting married?? Just like that huh? Smells of desperation. Fuck thaaaat. You don’t want guys like that.
The second you start thinking negatively like this, cut it. DO SOMETHING to shift your mind out of it. Go to the gym. Watch a movie. Do some work. Flirt with a neighbor you never spoke before. Maybe fuck ‘em if he’s cool. Anything, die your hair. Whatever you do, do it intensely, like it may be the last time you ever do it.
Because life -IS- short and one day it will be over. So you can sit there… bitchin’ a moanin’ together all about whatever OTHER people have that you don’t have… OR you get refocused on living, NOW. RIGHT NOW.
It’s a choice. The more you choose to think and be in the NOW, the easier it gets. Conversely the more you chose think externalities, the what ifs, or the I wish I hads (I especially dislike those), or the why mes… you know what I mean, the harder it gets to flip that script.
So please.. do it for me.. damnit. If I run into the five or six of you out there, and you’re all echoing negativity, its just going to make my job of hittin’ on the five of you… needlessly harder. You are all lucky I got a thing for bitchy women.
Hope that helps.
D
While I appreciate the sentiment behind what I imagine you are attempting to say… you need to back off a bit. First of all, for a pickup artist, you sure are kind of repellent. And second of all, a little understanding would go a long way here. Instead of being an ass about it, how about realizing how common this is and attempting to be understanding? Clearly this is a common experience and your attempt to be humorous about it is falling rather flat in my not so humble opinion. a little understanding would go a long way here. And who knows… you might actually learn something about women.
And by the way? Calling us bitchy is not endearing, will not get you any ass, and might get you thrown out of the joint should it become a habit. Just sayin’.
I’m listening, believe it or not. Upon rereading this morning, I could have toned it down a bit. Not perfect, but working on it.
Btw, I am more charming in person, just fyi.
D
I will cop to responding before having had caffeine, and we’ll call it a wash. And btw – I’ll take your word for it.
Your tough. You will be fine. Oh and his ex is really mean to him and has only one tooth.
It’s good to have spies.
I hope this makes you feel better – I totally defriended him on Facebook.
Ass.
Actually? It kind of does.
Single Gal is right, you are not alone and you are not wrong for feeling this way. My ex barely let the ink dry on our divorce papers when I heard he had gotten engaged to some chick he met on Match.com, WHILE we were in marriage counseling.
Let’s call a spaid, a spaid here Jane. The reason these guys have moved on so “quickly” is not really because they actually have moved on, but because they don’t want to be alone.
The difference between you and these tool bags is that you have spent time alone to think about the mistakes you have made, the things you would do differently and what you want out of life. You, my dear, have taken the time to figure out what you need to make YOU happy.
You know it’s been said before, but it’s true: You can’t be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. You have learned how to be your own person and regardless of what happens in the future, you know you will be okay. That is a lesson those guys have yet to learn.
Honestly? I know in my heart that you’re right. I know because I made that mistake going into my second marriage. It’s why I’ve consciously spent time on my own this time around. You are 100% right about this. Seriously. Sometimes it’s just hard to connect that and him seeming to have what I wish for. That’s all.
I only know how you feel…because I feel the same way at times.
I know hon. We all do.