This one’s for the boys
Today I would like to abandon all obsessing about boys past, present, and future, and instead discuss something very serious. Indeed, the topic I have in mind is one that weighs on me heavily, as it does on many of my peers I am sure. I am talking, of course, about nature’s cruelest joke of all… the unsynchronized nature of men’s and women’s sex drives.
Boys, if you will… imagine yourself at 18 or 20. You were probably pawing madly at whatever girl you were with at the time. Your nearly every thought was consumed by the devil in your pants. It clouded your vision basically all the time. It would be easier to discuss the times you were not thinking about, plotting, or wishing for sex. Because the times you weren’t, well… they were few and far between if they existed at all. And that girl, the one who was the object of your lusty affections? Was probably wondering why the hell you couldn’t just keep your damn hands off her already. And by the way, don’t you ever think about anything else? (The answer, for the record, was no. No you didn’t. But you probably tried to lie about it anyway.) The point was, we totally didn’t get it.
I’ll admit to my part in this little drama. I was that girl. I mean sure, we liked all that stuff. But we wanted to not always be naked and grabbing at each other, you know? We wanted to feel like more to you. And it’s not like we never gave it up. We just didn’t do it as much as you apparently wanted us to. And we really didn’t know why on earth you were behaving like that anyhow.
That is, until we turned 30. Most men at this age have gotten some degree control over their trouser snakes and are living a more balanced existence. And hooray for you. Our 18-year-old selves are pleased as punch. Unfortunately our 30-year-old selves really wish you’d take off your pants and make yourself useful. I mean, don’t get me wrong here. We love that you take us out for nice dinners and really enjoy spending time with us. We totally realize that you see us as whole people now and appreciate who we are. But, you know, we really kind of wish you could do all that while naked and on top of us too please.
Ironically, at 30 most of you are a bit less amused by the idea of going at it three times a day*. A couple times a week would do you just fine. And you wish we’d see you for more than a thrill ride and really appreciate who you are as a person. We, on the other hand, spent years evaluating who you are. We are glad we took that time too. I mean, we’re still totally interested in that. But there’s no reason we can’t learn still more about you while also separating you from those pesky boxer briefs that seem to always be in the way. And if you need a break in that area, we totally understand. But, you know, there are other ways to meet our needs. Just ask… we’d be glad to make a list for you.
Men, I’d like you to know that we are deeply sorry about how we acted when you were 18. Truly we are. It wasn’t actually our fault though. You see, nature has a cruel sense of humor. Back then, we didn’t know what it was like, and nature just totally failed us on that front. With every birthday I start to think she’s actually kind of a cruel bitch with one twisted sense of humor. But that aside, most of us are more than willing to atone for our former sins. All you need to do to receive our apology is… well… to take off your pants. I promise, it’ll totally be worth your while. I mean, some things really do improve with age. And for the right man? I’m more than happy to demonstrate.
* If you actually still do want it three times a day? Please send your number. I know someone who would love to meet you.
Filed under confession | Comments (18)18 Responses to “This one’s for the boys”
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YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! heh.
Well said, my friend, well said. And if, by some chance, you get a plethora of able-bodied men’s phone numbers, please feel free to share.
I promise to screen carefully and possibly match geographically as appropriate.
Yes, please share any of those numbers. I think that peak for me has started at 29.
I’ll help if I can.
Now see, if it were the other way around, and men matured faster than women, men in their 20’s could date the women in their 30’s and everyone could still be happy…. but no, another cruel joke.
I’m telling you… cruel and twisted.
That problem goes aways as you get older? How come no one told me?
No no, don’t change. Just pass on your number. I can help you with this.
The 30’s have been my sexual revolution. God Bless the 30’s.
This is a great post, Jane, and incredibly true to point!!
Here’s hoping I can say the same!
I’m going to send you 3D’s phone number. He likes to do it as often as possible and he has a big peen.
Please keep your crazy to yourself.
You read my mind sista!!!!
And what a dirty mind it was!
My ex commented on this cruel joke of nature. ‘Cause occasionally we’d have a few good times in a short period of time, but far more often, I was like, “Really? Once every week or two whether we need it or not? This works for you?” Sheesh.
This might explain why the sentence started with “My ex…”
Yes! Amen! Please share those numbers as they roll in! lol
I would, if there were any. But alas, there are not.
I thought I was the only one who has become a complete and utter horn dog after the age of 30! I am the easiest person to please – all I need is sex three times a day and I’m happy!
This is why I wrote this. Because seriously, we’re almost all this way.
Thank you! Thank you! My sentiments exactly! Such a cruel twist of nature. And seriously, my divorce came just as I hit 29. Stink. Stink!
Mine was 6 months before I turned 30. And thanks for that too.
There are several reasons that sentence started with “my ex”, but the infrequency of nookie really didn’t help keep me around.
It never does.
No shit. Thats exciting as my wife is 28 and she’s still got a low sex drive. I’m 31 and still want it 3 times a day. Here’s to hoping my W’s sex drive explodes when she turns 30.
Thanks for making my day!
Right around there. It’s not a magical switch that gets flipped on her birthday or anything.
first time visit to your blog and this had me laughing so hard i frightened the cat. love it!
Glad to have you! And tell kitty I’m sorry.
Girl, you nailed it. I was married throughout my 20s and was like, “Ugh, man, get off me!” when he wanted to do it more than once a day on our 5-6 nights/week married person schedule (yes, he was a sex fiend!). Now I am divorced and would really like a beck-and-call man. Sigh… Don’t get me wrong, I have a man. And quality is better than quantity (I guess…). But, dang, your post says it all.
Now if only my aging vagina could handle the 3x/day routine without chafing and evil UTIs.
Those are easy problems to fix! Use some lube and pee as soon as you’re done. Problems solved. Go forth and fornicate.
OK, PT-LawMom sent me here and dammit, I can’t figure out why I’ve not been here before!
This post is hilarious! But so far for me, I’ve been pretty consistently horny…
I didn’t start having sex til I was 19 and the only times I wasn’t craving it was probably right after birthing my two kids.
Maybe I’m a freak. Yeah, pretty sure I am.
You’re not a freak. Men just need to put out more, clearly.
Oh, so true. It’s really not fair. I find myself saying (way too often), “What do you mean, you’re tired? I thought this was all you thought about!”
I guess I could go trolling the local college for some fresh man meat, but it just seems a little, um, desperate.
On behalf of all men everywhere, I accept your apology
But would you accept it three times a day? If so, I think I can help you here.