When men are like green beans. Or not.
I have always approached dating with the philosophy that it isn’t like grocery shopping. Which is to say, you can’t stroll down the dating aisle with a list of qualifications in hand and pick the right mate off the shelf. People are not canned vegetables and it just doesn’t work this way. Instead it’s about meeting individuals, learning about them and how they fit with you, and making informed decisions based on what you can find out. You may have been shopping for french cut green beans, but find out the that kitchen cut kind are just perfect for your dinner too. You know?
While this is a good theory and one I still live by, it sometimes glosses over the fact that we all still have preferences. And while french cut versus kitchen cut may not be a big deal, you still wanted green beans after all, right? Or whatever, you get the point.
So what if during your stroll down dating aisle, you meet someone you mesh with. Things are good. But something is off…. one strong preference of yours is just not met in this man. Maybe he’s perfect except he doesn’t like to travel. Or maybe you get along really great but you just can’t get over how he dresses. Or maybe you have a blast together but he’s just too skinny or overweight. Sure, in the big picture it looks like these things should be surmountable obstacles… or are they?
At what point do we compromise, or not? What if he is overweight? Do you accept that? Do you hope he’ll lose the extra pounds? Or do you run for the hills? What if he turns into an obnoxious jerk when watching sports… every weekend? Do you set up a TV in a separate room and ignore it, or do you cut your losses and leave? What if he doesn’t dress nicely? Do you buy him a new shirt and tell him what to wear to meet your family, or do you simply give up?
Dear readers, when do you build a bridge and get over it? Or when is the chasm just too wide? This one date wonder wants to know what you think.
Filed under question | Comments (12)12 Responses to “When men are like green beans. Or not.”
Leave a Reply
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately myself! One thing that I’ve learned is that you can’t hold out hope that he’ll change…he won’t! So the question is, can you live with it? And you have to remember that the quirks that are endearing during the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship can get really annoying as time goes on. Of course, if you’re waiting for the “perfect man”, you’re going to get mighty lonely. So where do you draw the line? I’m interested to see what others have to say about this…
Exactly. To what point is it acceptable to compromise? And where do you decide to cut and run? There has to be a boundary somewhere.
I’m in total agreement with Barb. I also learned the hard way that sometimes the very things that endear you to somebody when you are dating them are the very things that you grow to despise when you’ve lived with them a few years. lol
Been there. Done that. Divorced twice. Need I say more?
Like you said their is no shopping list. I do have a bottom line list that are deal breakers, then a list of things that if happened I need to talk about it to see where things are going. If it’s a permanent trait of something that is malleable.
Another of my firm dating tenets is that no trait is malleable. Either accept a person at face value, or walk away. I find that to make things much better as people rarely change.
For me, it’s a matter of what is more important to whom, and if this meshes well. I have been single for ever it seems…so if a guy was really, really into watching a certain set of tv shows each night and wanted to do so on my big screen hd tv, it’s be a deal breaker. The nightly tv ritual is quite important to me.
Trying to think of another example on the other side…if he swears up a storm, well, I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other. They are just words, no big deal. So, I could live with that.
If he doesn’t dress nicely, and it’s important to me, hopefully I can buy him some things that are within his comfort zone that I can be happy with too.
I am reminded of once being asked: Are you married, or are you happy?
In that respect, I am happy.
It’s true, I was never happy when I was married. But a tiny part of me still has hope that it doesn’t have to be that way.
I so wish you could pick and choose man qualities like you can select what you want in your salad! *sigh* but since we are in the real world…
I’ve wrestled with the imperfect (in myself as well) and finally come to a conclusion. After dating someone shorter than I preferred (a disaster but not due to his height), heavier than I preferred (not a disaster — sweet but not a great conversationalist), balder than I preferred (several times on this one – and they have actually been some pretty great relationships)… I could go on down the line acting like the Goldilocks that resides in us all. But what it finally comes down to for me is character.
If its a character thing (ie. rude to waiters, lies about little things, negative and judgmental, anger issues, critical, etc) then its a true deal breaker. If its not a character defect, then I give that person a chance. And for the most part, I’ve been really glad I did.
I’m trying to follow your lead. We’ll see how it goes.
I’ve discovered two interesting (and opposing!) dating facts during my dating lifetime: when you care about someone enough, those things that initially bothered you melt away (and even become endearing over time), and faults you never even saw in the first place on “Mr Perfect” become apparent when the relationship begins to go stale. So this is how I look at it: if I like someone a lot initially but I’m not enamored of, say, his love handles, I give it a go because I figure that if this is going to turn into something big, past experience has taught me that those love handles aren’t going to matter to me should I fall in love. Likewise, the way he dresses. It’s not a dealbreaker. Taking him to a few stores (or sending him off to one with a stylish friend) can fix that up in no time flat. Some of my best boyfriends didn’t look all that great on paper. By the same token, some of those Prince Charmings were neither princes nor ultimately very charming!
But likewise, even in a good relationship those things which were once endearing can be the very things that make you feel a little homicidal in day to day life.
In my limited experience …
I’ve encountered these issues in dating as well. He has lots of nice qualities but there is this ONE thing that sometimes, I just wasn’t able to get over. And it bugged me to a point of not wanting to date him anymore. Hindsight (yet again) being what she is, has made me realize when I ended the dating with these men, it was without regret. That tells me something right there.
The other thing I’ve realized, if I wanted the relationship? Really wanted to go there with a particular man? Those things that needed a little bridge to be built, just didn’t matter. They became non-issues.
And let me just add that those “endearing things” that you spoke of in the previous comment? Never became homicidal (for me anyway) until things were clearly going downhill anyway.
In the past, I have tended to continue to date people with that one undesirable characteristic, often times getting into lengthy relationships and/or married. I have always regretted not listening to my gut in the beginning, which is making my struggle harder now.
A guy I dated in the fairly recent past was probably 50+ lbs overweight, but he carried it well. Great initial chemistry, but as time went on, the fact that he wasn’t a very good boyfriend (not at all attentive, which I need) was the deal breaker. He lost 40 lbs. while we were together. Once that happened, he had a pretty good ass, but it didn’t mitigate his tendency to be one.
Buy low, sell high, anyone?
If he wasn’t a good boyfriend, I’d say you got rid of the same dud you took off the market in the first place.
Gosh, I love it! Green Beans.
When I met my future husband, “The List” had 33 traits on it. You know what?
He had every single one!
EXCEPT, the one thing I forgot to put on the list. Which turned out to be very very important.
And I struggled with it: If a man has 33 things I need but is missing 1- Is that good enough?
We’ve been together almost 4 years now and I STILL wish he had that one missing thing.
But this is what I truly think it comes down to: How does this person, this relationship, make you FEEL day in and day out.
Because in the end, it’s not so important that he’s this or that, does this, doesn’t do that.
What’s critical is that at the end of almost every day- you FEEL good, even great, having this person in your life.
And perhaps a better indicator question: Do I feel better WITH this person in my life, or WITHOUT?
Your feelings are the key to working this one out. And, as you mentioned, your gut is your best friend!
Oh, and another clue, when it’s really right- it will feel easy, most of the time!!
And that one missing thing? Does it bother you a lot? I’m interested in this aspect… you could be my inspiration.
When I can say I love someone *exactly* the way he is, I’m pretty sure it’s real. Not, “I love him even though…” or “I love him despite….” Just, “He is like *this* and I love him” or “He does *that* and I love him.”
I’m pretty sure it’s the “even thoughs” and “despites” that turn into real problems down the road. If I can be totally accepting of the traits or habits that come after those words, I am totally accepting of the man.
Then again, I loved all those things with no reservations and he didn’t love me back. Maybe I’m the dummy.
I don’t think you’re a dummy. Just because things don’t work out doesn’t mean there is something intrinsically wrong with us. It just means it didn’t work out. Nothing more.
If someone doesn’t meet certain criteria (non-smoking, literate, crack/heroine-free) then I won’t even consider them. If this person meets your base (base, base) criteria… give it a try? What’s there to lose? If something is missing that you thought was essential, you might find you didn’t need it in the first place. You might find you can’t compromise. But you won’t know unless you give it a try. And let us know how it turns out!
I’m working on it. It’s just an interesting thought… when is compromise good and when is it just too much. You know?
I think this is one of those issues where you just have to trust that… TIME WILL TELL!
You’ll know if it’s time to move on when your EW FACTOR eclipses your HE’S HOT FACTOR!!
Continue to date, continue to learn all you can about the other person, continue to gather the data… it does take months and months… and shared experiences, and observances in different situations… just like so many people said, you will find out if the charming differences between you grow into deal-breaking chasms or if the qualities that seemed slightly annoying in the beginning (too many seemingly overbearing phone call & emails) turns out to be a sweet security blanket of real affection. GIVE IT TIME… at some point, you will KNOW INHERENTLY if he is Mr. Right or just Mr. Right Now. Just continue to date, as long as you are overall enjoying yourself, all those concerns will shake out… one way or the other!!
We’ll see. To me “hot” is less physical and more a combination of things, but even my limits can be pushed. You know?