Why Facebook is the devil
We all have Facebook pages these days right? Of course we do. Because we’re hip, and savvy, and whatever other cool word means in touch with the online universe these days. It’s kind of fun sometimes. You know, I get to poke my friends, write annoying stuff on their walls, send them weird gifts, and answer stupid quizzes. So what’s wrong with that, right?
Well as I use it, more and more friends from high school and college are finding me and adding me as friends. So here are these people who didn’t bother to keep in touch who are now fake-interested in my life and where it’s been. Okay, so that doesn’t really annoy me all that much either. I mean, sure they didn’t keep in touch all along but then neither did I. And reconnecting is kind of cool in a dorky lets-say-we’ll-keep-in-touch-now-but-really-not sort of way. So again, what’s my problem right?
Here’s my problem. Every interaction invariably goes roughly like this:
Old friend: Hi Jane! It’s been so long! What have you been up to?
Me: Oh, you know, nothing much. Living in Baltimore, working in my office, going out with friends. It’s a good life. How about you?
Old Friend: I’m great! Been married for [insert amount of time here]. We [ (circle one) have kids, are pregnant, are looking to adopt, are starting to try for children]. Hey, didn’t you marry First Husband? Whatever happened to that? Do you have kids?
And this is where it has obviously all gone to hell.My profile clearly says I’m single… can’t you just add two and two and come up with the fact that I’m divorced? I mean, that really is four in this equation. And knowing that, did you really need to ask about kids? I mean, sure I could have had them, but aren’t you trodding into delicate territory now? Did I respond and ask you why you have to adopt instead of having your own children? No? Wanna know why? Because it’s tactless, that’s why! And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want to have a personal discussion like that with a virtual stranger. When did it become acceptable to get in touch with someone you barely ever even knew and start rapid firing sensitive questions? I mean, seriously. I haven’t even spoken to these people in roughly ten years, and now you want to ask all of this?
I want to know where all the other divorced folks are hiding? Where are my college friends who didn’t have babies and couldn’t make things work? You know where they are? Because I have an idea. They’re hiding from this nonsense! They are tired of being attacked with questions and barraged with their coupled up acquaintances’ perfect little lives. They secretly think you all are hiding something anyway, we all do. But they have decided they are tired of feeling like circus freaks for living alone with their cats.
The worst part is after that conversation with old friend. After you have revealed the big bad divorce thing and your childless state. After you have tried to explain what a grand time you are having living alone and going out with your friends for booze on a regular basis. After all of that, where you have put on a happy face and smiled and jollied it up, hoping they’ll see that your life is cool too.
Because after all of that, they say they’re sorry. Sorry? Seriously? Because I’m not! I mean, old friend, I am happy that you are coupled and living the good life. I do not look down on that. I do not apologize to you because you are looking to adopt. I am not sorry for you. So save your sorries for me too, ok? I mean, I’m not sorry at all. I could still be married to that loser, you know? I could still be miserable every day of my life because I woke up next to him. But I’m not! I’m going out for happy hour on the spur of the moment because I’m not pregnant and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission first. I’m doing what I want when I want without worrying about what someone else might think or feel about it. I’m going to the bathroom with the door open, dammit. My life is pretty freaking grand.
At least, I had myself convinced of that until 20 of you with your husbands and families got in touch with me just now. Now I’m just feeling a little weird. But it would certainly help if all of you hadn’t been sorry for me, you know?
Right. Damn Facebook.
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THANK YOU!!!!!!!! As always, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. Thank you for remaining my single gal hero!
~ C
Us single gals, we have to stick together!
OMG….you totally just described my facebook/myspace life. I get those messages all the time. People that I was never close with prying. I emailed Facebook once telling them they should have divorced as a status and they said they’d “think about it”. I mean seriously I would rather my profile say I’m divorced so I don’t have to put up with the questions. And now people I’m fake friends with are all getting married so I get to look at blissful pictures of their wedding while I sit at home night after night curled up w/ my dog. Ugh.
I’m not divorced. I’m just single again.
You go girl ! Screw them. I’m jealous because you can go to the bathroom with the door open.
#1
Totally. I shower with the door open too. Take that.
I just started with the Facebooking a month or so ago. I like to stay a good 3-4 years behind the curve. No more, no less. Next year I may buy an iPod.
Well, here is your definitive guide on what not to do. Hope it was helpful.
LOL! God damn, Facebook, it’s all their fault.
If I find someone from high school, etc. I do NOT ask to be their friend. Like you, if I haven’t spoken to that person in the past year, you are not my friend.
I don’t mind adding people I used to be friends with but we have lost touch. I just mind all the prying questions that come. I mean seriously… use a little common sense people!
I had a random guy add me as a friend on myspace because we had attended the same college at different times. Then he starts asking me questions about why my web address for my myspace had “army wife …” in it when my profile said I was single. I emailed him back and let him know that my page was setup when I was married and that I preferred to say single instead of divorced. Then I deleted him from my friends. And that is why my pages are private so crazy people can’t ask annoying questions that are none of their business!
…huh? I mean why would it say WIFE if you’re SINGLE? I mean, I just don’t get it! What is this divorce of which you speak?
Even worse than that is when an old “friend” from high school finds you and adds you sending a message about how HAPPYYY they are to be back in touch, and omg how great you look, and wow what have you been up to…
and you have NO FREAKING CLUE who they are?!?
This is 3/4 of all transactions for me. Mostly because I have a horrible memory.
1. I, too, shower with the bathroom door open. It’s friggin’ fabulous.
I know, right? I hate the way the humidity builds up when I have to close it now.
2. I LOVE that you say you aren’t divorced, you’re just single again. I’m totally stealing that.
The rant I have for this is a blog entry unto itself. I’ll have to do that soon.
3. I have spent the better part of 12 hours on Facebook now, my curiosity piqued by this blog. Dammit.
Just don’t blame me when the questions start.
Oh, the wonder that is facebook. It’s not my old friends that bother me, it when my friends parents want to add me that really drives me crazy. I actually got a friend request from my aunt. Now what the hell do I do? Because if I ignore it I’m being rude, if I accept she can see my page? Because really do I want people from my parents generation having my blog address and knowing I had sex with a practical stranger on vacation?
And this is why you don’t know my real name. Just in case anyone ever wondered.
Facebook has made life seem like one big continuous class reunion. Every day notifications pop up telling me that people I graudated from high school with have gotten married. I’m still pretty fresh out of college, but I wonder how long it will be before my newsfeed starts saying “Person X is no longer listed as married to Person Y”? These notifications give me an artificial sense that I am keeping up with people, and I think you are right that this sense is not necessarily a good thing!
Just be a pal and pretend you don’t notice when the divorces and breakups start. Seriously.
I am all about avoidance sister. I either ignore the questions all together or, I say something that will make them feel like morons. The latter is my recreational hobby in case you didn’t know me by now. If someone asks me what happened to my Ex, I’ll usually just say something like “Oh well, he cheated on me while my father was dying. And now he is remarried to an ugly, fat girl. But that’s okay because he couldn’t handle me now and honestly, he did me a favor before I was bound to him for all eternity through children.”
That usually shuts them up.
By the by, being single means you have the option of not flushing every time too.:)
I have way too many bathroom issues to even consider such a thing. Just flush all those bad boys before I come over, ok?
I hate it when people say they are sorry to hear of my divorce. I have, methinks, perfected an answer:
Me, with a big smile “You’re sorry? Wow. Why are you sorry, exactly?”
Them: Sputter, blink, blink
Me: *sweet smile*
My patented response to such nonsense is always “I’m sure it’s not your fault.” Unless, of course it is. In which case I’m never exactly sure what to do.
Whenever someone says they are sorry that I got divorced, I just laugh and say, “Why? It was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
If it helps, I’m not the slightest bit sorry. Go you!
Okay, I gotta chime in here…
I think people say they are sorry to hear about your divorce because…well, because you didn’t get married INTENDING to get divorced. You know? Like, when people get divorced, it’s because something didn’t work – something that a person was willing to stand up and commit to making work in front of all of their friends and family, right?. So, yeah, that’s disappointing and the assumption is that it would be most disappointing for one of the parties involved.
I’m not married and I haven’t been divorced and I don’t have kids. I’d be that complete idiot who would be trying to be considerate and might say something well-meaning like, “I’m sorry to hear about your divorce” and it really isn’t patronizing or belittling. It’s genuine sympathy.
I guess this strikes a chord for me because I remember knowing someone who *hated* it when people asked her what did for a living. Most people ask that question – mainly because it’s give a quick glimpse of someone and tells you what is important to them – it’s just information and helps you understand a person. The reason she hated it? Because she hadn’t gone to college and felt like when people asked what she did for a living, they were being judgmental. The thing was…they weren’t. It was her own sensitivity to the question that made her feel that way.
I don’t think people mean to assume your life must be miserable because of a divorce but you have to realize that you’ve had time to become comfortable with the idea of being divorced – and for other people, it’s the first that they are hearing about it and so they do the natural thing and offer their condolences. It’s natural! If my mom had died 10 years ago and I told someone I hadn’t seen in 11 years, they might say, “I’m sorry…” and I would understand that they meant well and wouldn’t assume they were a bit of a dunce for not realizing it happened 10 years ago and I was okay now.
The thing is – when you got married, you didn’t think getting the divorce would be the best thing that ever happened to you. You know that NOW but you didn’t then. And when people hear you are divorced, they know it means ONE thing – that you INTENDED to live a good life with someone and it didn’t work – and for that, they are sorry.
Amongst the well meaning,
-R.
Here’s the deal. If you know the person and you know what happened, do what you think is right. I’m sure it will come off exactly as intended. But if you are what amounts to a complete stranger, do not ask a bunch of prying questions and then throw sympathy around. The entire transaction is inappropriate. That’s the point.
The girl that triggered this entry also nonchalantly told me she and her husband were trying to adopt. The equivalent of what she did to me would have been for me to ask why they weren’t having their own children. You can see that’s wrong. So why is it okay for her to ask me nosey questions about my marital status?
I agree with RE. Most people, I believe, genuinely mean well.
In regard to the seemingly annoying (redundant) questions ~ I look at it like this: it could be worse, I could be one of those people that wasn’t “strong enough” to get the divorce and stayed in a miserable marriage because of the stigma of failure or fear of being “alone”. I’m proud of the fact that I left an unhealthy relationship (3 kids & all) to pursue my current happy, single life! I can answer their questions with my chin up and my face plastered with a big ole smile!
That pride is well placed. My point is that just because we were strong enough, doesn’t mean we should have to recount it for virtual strangers at every turn. It’s like strangers touching a pregnant lady’s belly. Just don’t do that. Seriously. She is most likely happy to have that baby. But that doesn’t mean you can invade her personal space.
I re-read the entry to make sure I was getting your point and so I understood your comment. I do see what you’re saying.
I think that many people mistakenly believe that if they are comfortable sharing information, then why isn’t the person with whom they are speaking? This is ridiculous. And I think some people are passive aggressive and may say things about their life and then expect some sort of quid pro quo.
For better or for worse, if someone is married or divorced seems to fall into this realm of “okay to ask about” for a lot of people and probably because most people are genuinely, politely curious. Now, in this (your) situation, I would agree with you that since your status is set as single, anyone asking you about your marital life is being willfully stupid. But all of that assumes they’ve definitely read it. Sometimes people just skip over that stuff.
I guess my point is that I think this is something a fair number of well-meaning people might do and would be horrified to realize they over-stepped. Many may do it cluelessly. They’re still clueless, but they aren’t trying to be a jerk.
I do, however, see your point. It, oddly enough, reminded me of how people like to tell me lawyer jokes when they find out that I’m an attorney. I sometimes feel like saying, “What’s your job? I’d like to mock your choice of career and your character, too.” But most people are just stupid.
Hm, maybe you’ve convinced me on just how stupid they are.
Thank you for the interesting read.
-R.
For what it’s worth, I’m a natural blonde. I totally understand what you’re saying. I have heard more blonde jokes in my life than anyone ever really needs to hear!
AMEN!
That’s all I have to say!
Short and sweet. I like it.
Wow, I’ve heard a few blonde jokes myself.
I would never have guessed.
nonono.. you got it all wrong… they’re saying “I’m sorry!” as in.. they’re sorry their lives are strapped down to a big ole ball and chain that now comes with a couple of ungrateful screaming kids that need their shots or something.
They’re saying they’re SORRY… that they didn’t do what you did.
D
Awwwwww, I believe some married folks are genuinely happy though.
Btw, next time someone asks you about your marital status… just say “it’s complicated” and leave it at that. That way you don’t have to explain shit, and they don’t have to pretend to apologize for anything either.
I for that matter, never ask, because I figure you’ll tell me soon enough. I couldn’t careless if you never did regardless. But that’s just me…
Psssst! Read my next entry. I have a different idea on how it should be handled.
[...] LC saw me lose my cool. I also remembered why I think Facebook is the devil, but for a different reason. Here’s my [...]
Never actually had one, nor planning to have. Since the early days of facebook and myspace i figured out, there is no privacy on those sites. Like it or not.
The main reason for me posting this today was, that i actually applied for a job today, and was asked over the phone if i had my resume e-mail attached to a facebook account. I replyed what is facebook, and then she kept on runting it is a cool way to keep in touch with people. I replyed, i keep in touch in the real world. She laughed.
I told her it is my constitutional right to protect my privacy. She said she knew that. I told her i was glad she knew, and she should know that i ain’t giving nobody a chance to screw me the way she could of if i had facebook.
While living in Canada last year i heard people saying they lost jobs because of facebook or lost job offers because they didn’t have a facebook account.
So if you want MHO: Screw Facebook, it is a total evil and breach of personal privacy.
As much as I have railed against Facebook, I don’t think it’s a breach of personal privacy. It is, after all, an opt in service. You have to make the personal choice to opt in. Having said that, it’s still the devil.
“Because after all of that, they say they’re sorry. Sorry? Seriously? Because I’m not! I mean, old friend, I am happy that you are coupled and living the good life. I do not look down on that. I do not apologize to you because you are looking to adopt. I am not sorry for you. So save your sorries for me too, ok? I mean, I’m not sorry at all. I could still be married to that loser, you know? I could still be miserable every day of my life because I woke up next to him. But I’m not! I’m going out for happy hour on the spur of the moment because I’m not pregnant and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission first. I’m doing what I want when I want without worrying about what someone else might think or feel about it. I’m going to the bathroom with the door open, dammit. My life is pretty freaking grand.”
i know this is a little late, but it’s like you pulled those words right out of my brain!