Retro Boy - Part 3
After I told Retro Boy no for the second time and he disappeared, I was certain we were done. It was a funny story so I told my friends. We all had a laugh. But that was that. Or so I thought.
What I seriously did not see coming is that Retro Boy would reappear yet again in another six months. Which is to say he emailed me just a week or so ago. A full year and two rejections after our one date, Retro Boy is back.
As soon as the email came, I knew what was going to happen. I immediately started thinking of what I could say to tell him no and make it final. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure that out. As always, he started with small talk. He has a new job. He’s moved into his own place and is enjoying the freedom. (It’s about time, dammit.) He is happy. Then it happened.
It was an innocent conversation about our jobs. My job satisfaction is low at the moment. He seems to be enjoying his job. He says it’s fine for now, but he knows God has more for him. Please insert inner groan. I have nothing against religion or God or whatever else it is you might believe in. But for me, that’s something that isn’t really discussed, especially not with what basically amounts to a stranger. So here is an email telling me about how free and great his life is and talking all about what he believes in.
And at the end, in a tiny little PS, there it is. The question. He asked me out again.
He tries my patience. I want to be nice to him as he is obviously a nice person who deserves no less. But I’m not sure how I can be nice and still firmly tell him that this just isn’t ever going to happen. Seriously. Not going out with him. Not now, not in six more months, not freaking ever. Just not.
I’m taking suggestions.
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Wow. Poor fella. Gotta give him kudos for persistence.
Now…..how to handle? Send him a link to your blog!
That is….. not going to happen.
Tell him you are in a serious relationship, maybe even engaged !!
#1
I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t fall for it seeing as he’s emailing me thorugh an online dating site where he can see my active profile.
I’d be honest by congratulating him on his persistence and thanking him for thinking of you. But state very firmly that you just don’t feel a connection between you that you’re looking for and wish him well in finding the right woman for him.
Or yeah, just say you’re in a relationship.
That seems to be the needed approach. I’m just resistant because I don’t want to hurt him.
Unfortunately I think you’re either gonna have to just lay it out for him (pull no punches!) or just ignore him. It sounds like your compassion makes him think he has at least a tiny chance. It’s too bad he can’t just accept your friendship…
See, this right here is why women are rude sometimes. Because if you’re nice about it, they don’t always go away.
Ughhhhh I have been in this exact scenario - except the guy sent MANY, MANY, loooooooong, begging emails over the course of several weeks. It was honestly creepy and after writing back a few times that I just REALLY didn’t feel the connection, I stopped responding at all because the whole thing just freaked me out. Who gets so invested after only ONE semi-boring date?! He kept on for WEEKS and it was awful. Every time I saw his name in my inbox I’d get a little knot in my stomach. Yuck. My advice is be firm, very firm. Because after a YEAR?? This is more than a little nuts.
Well the good news is he’s not being obnoxious, begging or contacting me more often than once every 6 months. The bad news is that I have to be kind of mean to a very nice guy.
Artful kisser has it right. Honest and direct. The important part is stressing…good luck finding the right worman for him. You won’t hurt him any more than if you were continuing to “be nice” and end up having him hope for another 6 months!
Please don’t misunderstand. Although I was nice each and every time I’ve rejected him, the message was still “No.” Just because I was nice, doesn’t mean I didn’t say it. He is just that persistent.
My best friend has been trouble breaking up with this guy. My line to her, to give to him, is, “I wish you all the best in finding the right girl for you, but it isn’t me.” Perhaps something along that line would be helpful. Otherwise, you’re right, you’ve told him “no”, if there’s something wrong with his hearing, that’s unfortunate but not your fault. At least he only contacts you infrequently. Plenty of “nice guys” just don’t get it, but eventually some of them trip over the right girl.
That’s a great line. Mine was close, I think.
Just remember, you owe this man nothing.. Nothing.
So politely, and firmly, let him know you think it’s great he is doing well, but you’d prefer if you didn’t keep communication with him.
Good luck!
Heh, thanks. I did my best.
Sorry, I’m not interested; we are not suited for each other.
Wow, I didn’t see this coming. I will always love you Marnee.
Hey you were nice, but when someone doesn’t get it you have to be firmer about it. I don’t think you’ll be mean, but tell him flat out how you feel. If that doesn’t work the police are always next if not a friend that will knock on his door and when he opens it kick him in the nuts. Then tell him he knows why.
Nah, next time I’ll just delete instead of responding. Not my preferred method, but I tried the other way first.
Damn, send all these “nice guy” losers my way. Give me a few months with them and I’ll shape them up in to men. Holy crap I never realized how often this type of situation happens to you women. So I’ll set aside my machismo for a minute and half, dig deep here for something of value…
Short and direct.
“Dear Whoever, I don’t feel that we are a compatible match. Thanks for dinner/drinks however, I am just not interested. Jane”
Done. Short and to the point. No patronizing crap. No wasting anymore time trying to formulating a nice response.
Just don’t tell them they’re nice and that they deserve nothing but the best?? I mean common, really? You honestly think that?
You’re only feeding these guys misinformation and perpetuating their… needy… grossness.
They’ll go around kicking themselve wondering what they could have done better… “I should have gotten that rose from the rose guy for, or I should have told her how pretty she was, blah blah barf.”
It’s not your job to fix the problem, but don’t keep the ball rolling.
Ignoring responses seem to be the tried and true, but you know, getting shot down in a no-nonsense, non-judgmental manner is refreshing and at least all players know exactly where they stand with each other.
Now if they respond to something like trying to convince you to change your mind..then yeah, then ignore that.
As a matter of fact, I DO believe that. Otherwise I would not have said it. I’m not in the habit of blowing sunshine up people’s asses, trust me.