Do you believe?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the chances we get in life, and specifically love. As someone who is twice divorced, this is a hot topic for me and one that I’ve thought about very differently over the years.
When I was young, I believed in one soulmate. That there was this one person out there who was your perfect match. The logistics of you never running into them never occurred to me. There was this soulmate and eventually I would meet him. We would just know, and we would hold on to each other. Then we would live out our lives like a Disney movie…. happily ever after. When I met my first husband, I believed he was it. We had the deep instant connection. He wasn’t afraid of being with me or committing to me. Everything was wonderful. Until I got divorced.
After that I was faced with the downfall of my belief system. After all, if this had been my one soulmate, then I was doomed right? But I was still young and full of hope. And so I chose to believe that I wasn’t doomed yet. But I was soured on the idea of a soulmate. I moved on to believing there were lots of people you could work with, you just had to find the right one. And my ever optimistic heart met husband number two and believed he was that right one. I believed we were going to make happiness and grow old together. Everything was wonderful. Until I got divorced again.
After that I was much less optimistic. At first I was determined to learn to stand on my own two feet. Having spent over a decade either married or in a serious relationship, I no longer knew how to be alone. In fact, I probably never knew. So I was going to learn. And that was my main focus. Gradually, I realized I had that part under control and the problem became that I no longer blindly believed there was someone out there for me. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure that I would ever find someone else to love. I was no longer confident that I wouldn’t die alone. I was no longer sure.
Experience has not served me well on that. Instead I am learning not to hope and not to believe. And while that may save me from short term heartbreak, sometimes I wonder at the long term implications of such a belief system. Once or twice I have even forced myself to abandon negativity, unfortunately only to be reminded of why I adopted those attitudes in the first place. And so I find myself in a somewhat jaded place and unsure of what to believe anymore. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve looked at love without conviction.
Since I’m not sure anymore, I’m wondering what all of you believe. Do you believe in soulmates? In love at first sight? In things being meant to be? Do you have conviction that there is someone out there for everyone? That we will find these people? Or have you given up? Are you unsure too? What do you believe?
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Ah my dear dear Jane - I believe we might be connected on some defunct cosmic level lol.
I believe with every fiber in my being that my first and so far only love was my soul mate. I’m not sure how religious or spiritual you are, but we both, on seperate occasions had pastors who were also prophets tell us that we were the mate God had chosen for one another.
So imagine my melt-down when things not only ended, but ended badly. If he was THE ONE, and it didn’t work out then where did that leave me? If he was my one and true chosen soul mate and things didn’t work out did that mean I was destined forever to be alone?
Up until this year, that’s exactly what I thought. It only took 5 years of soul searching, praying, crying, and missing him with every breath I took to realize that my life, my happiness, my hope for love didn’t have to be in the hands of a man who didn’t know what he had. I could choose to open myself up and experience love again. I could put myself “out there” and give someone else the opportunity to love me.
I don’t know that I’ll ever love anyone again the same way I loved him, but I do believe that I will love again, and I have every hope that being truly loved in return will make the love I feel that much more amazing.
I do believe in soulmates but I’ve changed my thinking recently to believe that we can have multiple soulmates and they can include friends, as well. Anyone that your “soul” connects with.
I, too, have been losing my hope and faith lately. It just seems like nowadays the roles of men and women, how we act toward each other, etc. is so different, we can’t or don’t want to make it work for longer than necessary. It’s too easy to walk away and not work at it any longer. It’s sad and I’m one step from giving up.
It also seems that people think “there’s always something better around the corner”, so I don’t have to work at it or I can just walk away. Sometimes I wish I knew what men were thinking to understand it a little more.
I’ve been reading for awhile but feel compelled to finally comment…
Having been divorced, twice…
Had all my dreams shattered, twice…
I’ve questioned it all, twice.
And here’s what I’ve come up with…
Your head will keep you safe.
But, if you let your heart be the guide,
you might end up sad or hurt,
but also experience joys beyond belief.
There may or may not be just “one solemate”
If there is, you just haven’t found him. YOu had to go through the impostors first.
If there is, there is no impossiblity of finding him. the cosmos will bring him to you.
If there isn’t, then there are hundreds of men you are compatible with and you just aren’t ready to find the one who’s compatible with you.
It’s a fatalistic view, but comforting. And, it works for me. I wish the best for you.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
I believe that people are put in our life for very specific purposes, and that they leave by much the same accord.
I believe that if we want it to be, things will be OK.
I don’t believe in love at first sight.
I do believe in fate.
I believe there is way more than just that one special someone.
I have been asked the question of soulmates before and generally my answer is always the same: “what if my supposed soulmate lives deep in the jungles of Borneo?” (or something along these lines). But seriously, if we all had just one person in this densely overpopulated world, how are we supposed to find them? Even we are lucky enough to live in the same city, despite the probability being low, there are many other factors at play that influence one’s ability to fall in love. Such as the answer to the question: Are we both ready to commit? Furthermore, if we all had a soulmate, how does that explain infidelity? I think it really boils down to timing and my three staples of the (close to) perfect man: humor, intelligence, and kindness. If he’s got these and were both ready then all signs point to yes. I think the idea of one person is just too limiting when every experience with another person teaches you something about the human race…meaning everyone comes into your life for a reason, and that reason may not be wholly matrimony.
Oooo, I loved your post. Divorce #2 for me is going to be finalized Sept 10th (I filed almost 3 years ago…). I’ve been contemplating the exact same sentiments that you are having about the existence of soulmates. For the past year, I’ve been dating a wonderful man. After a lot of soul searching, I felt like he was “Mr. Compatible” but not my soulmate. I finally broke up with him last month.
I do think we have more than one soulmate. I don’t think I married my soulmate. Looking back, I think it would have worked out (both times) if I had.
All I know is I’m going to hold out for it next time around. I think we’ll know it when we find it. And it’s going to be great.
This reminds me of a quote from KISSING JESSICA STEIN that came up with a friend of mine recently.
Dan Stein: You know, I’ve been hearing about “the one” for I don’t know, like 20 years. I guess I thought it would be a guy.
Jessica: I know, I know, but look, I don’t even believe that any more. I don’t believe there’s just one person. I think there are, like, seven.
I tend to think the way you thought about your second marriage, so the fact that that didn’t work out is disheartening. But something probably won’t work if only one of you is working at it.
What an interesting post.
I am of the mind that a soulmate is more someone who serves as a mirror, reflecting ourselves back to us. They can come into our lives in so many different forms, for different amounts of time, and for many reasons. Each brings us something if we are willing to take the time to see the gift that is brought - and sometimes it isn’t one we want to see.
As for love…I wish I had the answers as I wonder myself. It is an amazing thing to love someone and to be loved. Perhaps the question shouldn’t be whether, but when… and will we be ready to love without conditions or expectation?
As for where - I am a strong believer in connections and knowing when a person is the right one… that said, chance encounters can mean magic and treasures can be found where they are least expected!
(Found you through Dad’s House)
The minute I guard myself against getting hurt, I’ve guaranteed that I will be. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way, but it’s still a constant struggle to remember that. If I’m in a relationship, and I feel like I’m falling too hard, my instinct is to protect myself, so I pull away (and stop hoping). Me pulling away guarantees the end of the relationship. It’s basically a self-fulfilling prophecy. So anytime I feel myself going into protection-mode, I have to force myself to open up and hope. Because that’s the only way anything is going to succeed, is if you believe it will.
As far as The One, I just commented on this over at Angst & Fiction’s blog: I do believe in The One, but I don’t believe there is only one of them. I think The One is simply someone you have a connection with, someone you’re willing to work things through with, and who is willing to work things through with you. It’s more than “Mr. Right Now.”
And when you have one of those connections and it ends, then yes, you’re hurt, but you realize that you got so much out of the relationship (joy, knowledge, whatever) that you can’t imagine not having been in that relationship.
I think we get too caught up in this question and as a result lose out on what we do have, forget to pay attention to what’s in front of us and what/who we do already love/have passion for. And why, when we don’t feel like pursuing “love” at all (I put that in quotes b/c I think we’re talking about a very narrowly defined version of love), must we put it in such negative terms, like “giving up” and “losing hope”? I think it’s important to challenge the questions like “Is there such a thing as The One?” — ask ourselves why we’re so committed to these questions and not others… You *must* check out the book Against Love by Laura Kipnis. And check out http://onely.org too if you feel like thinking about the single life in new ways! Best of luck as you think through these questions
@SingleGal took the words right out of my mouth!
I wholeheartedly agree with SingleGal as well… I too, am twice divorced…but have the outlook that “third time’s a charm”! :O) I have yet (to the best of my knowledge) met this third and [MY TRUE] Mr. Wonderful, but I will be open to him if & when he comes along. I am happy now…I LIKE myself…I LOVE my munkees and life is delicious!
I believe that when you meet that right person you will know.
I believe that if it’s meant to happen it will.
I believe soulmates are made, developed from easy conversation and sparks that fly.
I believe out there somewhere is a guy who I will grow old with, who I deserve and he deserves me.
I believe Prince Charming exists. How else do you survive the frogs?