Holding Back
Rarely do two people fall for each other at exactly the same speed in exactly the same way. In fact, I would wager few of us have ever experienced such a thing. I know I never have. So what do you do when you fall faster or harder than the one you’re with? What do you hold back? How do you protect yourself? Or do you?
Mr. Big and I recently had an exchange that surprised me. I thought he understood me and knew more about me than he did. I thought he had more of my nuts and bolts figured out. Sometimes he seems so insightful it hurts, and sometimes I realize there is just so much more I need to show him. But no matter what is wrong or right between us, I trust him. I have for a long time now. It just is.
Another inalienable truth about me is that I have a hard time asking for help. For many years I ignorantly relied on those around me. I never worried about anything and let myself need those close to me. I never questioned that decision, it wasn’t even a conscious decision at all. I just did. And when my first husband and I split, I realized I didn’t know how to live alone. I’d never killed bugs, or mowed the grass, or been in the attic. I was paralyzed with fear. After that, all of my relationships suffered. I pulled everything inside of me and refused to lean on anyone. I married again but froze that man out in some ways. I was fiercely in-his-face independent in all things. I constantly reminded myself that I didn’t need him. I reminded him too. While that wasn’t the reason for the demise of our marriage, I know it didn’t help.
After that I was left to find a middle ground. Forced to admit that while I am a strong independent woman, I’m not a jack of all trades, and I’m not an island. I learned that I do need to lean on people, but I need to be selective about when and how and who. I learned there is a time for everything, even asking for help.
The end result is that I see trusting someone to help me as opening myself up to them somehow. It’s a way of giving a piece of myself over in exchange for whatever assistance they in turn provide. It’s admitting need and vulernability. So I am careful about who I ask to help me. And in the case of Mr. Big, I rarely allow him to do anything. Because I’m afraid to need him, and because I am already too vulnerable to him in too many other ways.
This weekend I knew I was going to need him. I hated it and yet I knew. He knew too. We have both watched this situation coming for some time now and we knew it was reaching a head. Yesterday I finally asked for his help. It was a big step for me, which we both understood. But we did not both understand why. In one offhand comment it became clear.
Mr. Big thought I held back because I don’t trust him. Amusingly enough, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I trust him more than I’ve trusted a man in years. I’ve let him have more in some ways than maybe I should have. But it’s true that I never asked for help. So he thought I didn’t trust him. And finally I had to explain. I don’t know if he’ll be here tomorrow. Because we have no commitment, I have no level of comfort. I have no way of knowing. And because I don’t know when he will disappear, I can’t afford to need him. I can’t let him have that part of me. It’s one part too many. He said he understood, but I wonder if he did. He also helped me with a minimum of fuss. I thank him repeatedly, but he downplays the situation. He tries to make me comfortable. But I still know what has taken place.
So I’m asking you, what do you do to hold back? How do you protect your heart when you know you are falling faster or harder? How do you try to keep from getting hurt?
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I don’t hold back – and I should. But I still content that those few moments of possibility can be worth it sometimes. We really should do more to protect our heart, but she needs a work out every now and then. I’m probably not the best example, but I’d like to believe this reckless behavoir will pay off someday!
I hope it does too.
I don’t know that I hold back, I just try to be realistic. I have hurt more than I ever thought possible, but yet, I still have the hope that one day, giving the trust to someone will pay off in the end. I’m either incredibly stupid or incredibly romantic. Right now I’m thinking stupid.
I don’t think you’re stupid. Optimistic is a much better word.
I don’t hold back. However I do know that my heart is a precious thing that I attach high value to. So I don’t jump fast, but I will be honest with how I’m feeling. I’m not really caring if I hear the “I love” you response. I just know I have to be true to myself. Not quite sure if all that made sense.
Okay, now I’m starting to feel like I may be a little jaded.
Oh this is so relatable. I hold back so much of myself because I have the tendecny to fall harder and faster. I put up a false bravado. I act tough, I act independent even though I have so many needs I just want to tumble out.
Oh thank god. I was beginning to think it was just me.
Beans and Rice woman!!! You move more than I do!!! LOL
I think it depends on so many things…there are men that I actually love more than when we were a couple. I guess that is why Im not even sure if people are supposed to have just one mate for all thier lives….
Timing is everything. Rarely do two people “fall in love” at exactly the same time.
Lordy, I only moved the once!
Sister, while I am usually your go-to source for wise-cracking, let me tell you that I hold back from most relationships out of fear. In matters of the heart, I have always relied on one theory: I like to keep my options open until someone gives me a reason not to.
Remember, you can’t change people and ultimately, people don’t change. TRUST ME when I tell you that a leopard never loses his spots no matter how much he tries. And at some point you realize that it is impossible to love someone enough for both of you.
The latter I live with every day…
Sing it sister. The point of dating is not to find someone you love and then change their annoying bits, it’s to figure out what’s wrong with someone and decide if you can live with it. Because people don’t change.
I’m not one to hold back when the love-bug hits. I’m very very cautious up until that point, but once my heart flashes the green light, its all systems go!
Since becoming a single mom I haven’t actually fell in love until recently– with a man from across the sea. The distance puts a natural protective measure between us, and so I am allowing myself to really get to know him and him me. (And the more I get to know him, the more in love I fall).
The true test of course will be how I deal when we are living near one another, and the day-to-dayness of my single momma life are fully revealed to him. I’ll keep you posted.
Please do. And I promise to not let my bitter rub off on you.
I hold back and try to move on and know if I ask for help it will only get me deeper in the hole and I cannot allow myself to fall even deeper. I always have hope, but sometimes hope gets you caught in a muddy hole unable to climb out! There will be a situation that happens and it will open your eyes and help you realize although you are in love with Mr. Bigg, it just doesn’t work or click the way it should, you will move on… I know cause this moment just happened to me at the beach this past week! I will have to email you the details of the situation and we can compare notes!
Oooof, there is so much to say to this that I can’t even begin. Email me babe.
Oh, man, I’m glad I’m not the only one! I’m trying very hard right now to be OPEN – not to let my mind get in the way of my relationship…again. Because I think that’s the biggest problem, thinking too much about it. Whenever I catch myself thinking about it too much (I really kind of like this guy – oh, but, what if he doesn’t feel the same way I do? – well, maybe I’ll ask him – no, don’t force him into a corner, then I’ll seem clingy – okay, then, I won’t be clingy, I’ll be perfectly cool, nothing can touch me, even if you don’t like me as much as I like you – hey, why are you pulling away? – because I pulled away? no I didn’t! – huh, yeah, I guess I did – wait, come back!! – fine, I don’t need you anyway – well, now I have yet another fracture in my heart…)…Whenever I catch myself thinking too much, I stop, take a breath, and try to let it go. Shake it off, don’t think so damn much, quiet the monkey mind, and get busy doing something else. It does work…sometimes…
I embrace the monkey mind. That thinking is how I protect myself.