Sneak Peek Into Me

So that guy? From the last entry? Is coming to visit tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow. And here, in no particular order, are the things I am currently worried about:

• I think I can smell my cat’s litterbox every time I walk into my apartment. Not good.
• What if he sees the mess on the bottom of my closet?
• Or the weird way I stash things in the kitchen?
• (Note to self: Now must clean kitchen and bottom of closet as these are no longer secrets. Argh.)
• I’m 31. My body just isn’t the same as it was 7 years ago. I have wrinkles, and spots, and saggy things. I looked in the mirror this morning and looked 31 to myself. That’s never happened before. Now is a really inopportune time for such a thing. Ugh.
• That cat litter thing is pissing me off enough to warrant two bullets. Seriously.
• Should I try to dig extra pillows out of the closet upstairs?
• I have weird moles now. I never used to have weird moles. I’m filing those away with the wrinkles and spots…. so unfair.
• I still honestly believe that guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Never mind that he already knows that. Just never mind, you know?
• What if this is actually what I’ve been waiting for? What if it isn’t?
• I need to go to the grocery store. I have the refrigerator of the bacheloriest of bachelors. It is actually a joke amongst my friends. Not lying.
• Must clean. Because…. CAT LITTER.

Just for the record, I’m not even fully awake yet. Just wait until later.

Indecision

I am at an impasse. See, the beauty of this blog is that no one knows who I am. So I can rant about dating disasters or wax poetic about my latest crush. Freely even, because they’ll never know. So what then happens if I meet someone as an indirect result of it? I mean, you know, someone who reads the blog?

See, if I go on about developing a school girl crush on him, he’ll know. And if I get the slightest bit optimistic, he’ll see me breaking all my rules. And if I end up being kind of excited about a new possibility, he’ll know I’m not as guarded as I seem.

It breaks all the rules in more ways than one. I have never attempted to use the qualifier “too” so often when describing one person. Too young, too far away, too impossible… and yet. Last night for the first time in I can’t even remember how long (except I can and the truth is even worse) I stayed up way too late talking on the phone just hoping not to hang up yet. And when we finally did, I may have seen him in my dreams.

So he asked what I would call him here and I said I didn’t know. I still don’t. Like I said, I’m at an impasse.

The End Begins

Yesterday I told Mr. Big that I wasn’t going to be able to do this for much longer. That soon I’d need more.

What followed was a conversation about how I pick the worst times and it’s not good for him right now. I told him he asks too much with no concern for anyone else. That I’ve always considered his needs and he needs to consider mine.

He asked if he should start searching for my replacement. I told him if he does that I’m gone right now. He backed down.

He said if I press it right now he’s gone. I backed down.

I know that when I tell him I need more, when I am definite, it’s over. I know I’m so stupid for not doing it sooner. I know that I should have done it months ago. And you know I wasn’t able to finish the job last night.

But I started. Give me strength. I’m worth so much more than this.

Possibly never again

No, not possibly. Definitely never again. As in I’ll never call him again, never try to go out with him again, and never respect him again. Saturday afternoon I called PP and got his answering machine. I left a message, but I hung up already knowing how it would go. And so it did.

He never called back.

So while he was possibly a prince at first, in the end he was just a frog after all. Good thing I never kissed him.

Possibly a pain

So a few weeks ago I wrote off PP for good. I didn’t tell you because, well, it was a non-event. I got back from Vegas, he didn’t call me for a week. Then when he finally returned my message, he told me he “just wasn’t feeling it” but we could still be friends. Whatever, it was one date and then a month of phone calls. There was nothing there to feel. I shrugged it off and told him future contact was all on him. Then two days ago I finally deleted his contact info from my cell phone.

I should know better. For some reason deleting someone’s contact info is like begging for them to reappear. Why is that anyway? Someone doesn’t call you for ages and expresses a continued disinterest in speaking at all. So you don’t get bent out of shape or anything. You know… whatever, it just didn’t work out. So you finally delete them and like magic, they call you the next day. Only you’re completely taken off guard, have no idea who it is, and no idea why they’re calling. And whatever the reason, they couldn’t have magically done it the week before when their contact info would have displayed and at least warned you of what was up!

So there it was, PP called. Now he’s full of explanations. He thinks he just didn’t give me a chance. He has problems opening up to new people. It was a buffet of bizarre explanations that I never asked for. He’s a nice enough guy, you know? So I talked to him. I was nice about it. And the whole weird experience culminated with him suggesting we go out tonight.

Will it actually happen? Who knows. Personally, I am not holding my breath. He has hours yet to come up with an excuse or drop back off the edge of the earth. And to be dreadfully honest, I don’t care much either way. I mean, I’m willing to give it a try and all, but if I end up at home tonight curled up in front of the TV alone, it won’t be a big crying shame either.

I have become indifferent. In some ways, I think that may be the worst thing of all.

The Friend Strikes Again

Here’s something I haven’t obsessed over in a while… The Friend. I really thought I had this situation under control but I’m stressed out right now and he’s been around. So naturally that knocks my hormones out of whack and causes me to obsess stupidly. And when I obsess stupidly, of course I share it with all of you.

Yesterday, The Friend his roommate and I all went out to dinner. Now it was actually a slightly fancy place, a little romantic but we were clearly not there in that context. We were just out to try something new and The Friend had been interested in this place for a long time. So off we went.

Dinner was fun and relaxed. No big obsessive events or anything… just what I’ve finally gotten used to with The Friend. After dinner his roommate suggested I come over and play a little Guitar Hero with them. That seemed amusing enough so I did. The Friend and I settled onto the couch next to one another and watched as his roommate set up and played.

Now I was up and down because I was playing as well, and The Friend was settled in comfortably as he was just fiddling with his phone. Guitar Hero held no interest for him. Every time I sat down, The Friend would show me something or shift somehow so that we were leaning against one another. One notable time he gave me a quick hug which ended with me curled up against his side with his arm around me. It was nice. Really nice. I miss being touched casually like that. Once I got up though, that was not repeated.

Finally, I had to get up and head for home. As I was waiting for the roommate to pack up and getting ready to say goodbye, The Friend casually reached up and rubbed the back of my neck for a few minutes. I didn’t move because it felt good and I didn’t want to scare him off. Then it was time to get up and head off and I was out the door and into the rain in no time flat.

As I got in the car, it occurred to me that we were right back in the hazy gray area where we were before. I like the contact with him. And I like him. I just don’t understand how that is part of a normal guy/girl friendship. And the signal it sends is very confusing. Usually I’m confident in situations with men… or at least confident that I know the rules and how to play with them. But The Friend constantly catches me off guard. What to do?

It’s a small world after all

Any experienced One Date Wonder has experienced a certain shrinking of the dating pool at some point. Especially online. Suddenly someone you’ve already rejected comes back asking for date like they’ve never seen you. You start to recognize folks from other places. Or, most notably in my case, a man you had a one night stand one date with starts to recommend you to his friends. That’s right, my past indiscretions are coming back to haunt me.

Now to be fair the one night stand date in question is actually a pretty thoughtful guy. He was as respectful as a one night stand fellow one date wonder can be. And I don’t get some creepy lying vibe off of him. In fact, the only reason we did not continue on to see each other again was that it came out he was only looking for sex something casual while I wanted something more. We parted ways amicably after I explained that I wasn’t going to be able to give him what he was after.

So imagine my surprise when several months later I see him on a dating site where I’ve never seen him before. You can cue the singing of “It’s a Small World” here folks. I thought it was kind of funny actually, and was entirely unable to stop myself from emailing him to share my humor. I may have restrained myself had I not known he had already seen me. But I did know that. So off I went emailing and snickering along my merry way.

What happened next was a rather fun email exchange… very light hearted, easy going, reminding me of how easily we got along the one time we did go out. I asked him if he had changed what he was looking for. He said he had no idea what he was looking for. So I promptly decided that he was being shifted into the friend zone and firmly told him so. No reason to repeat a one night stand one date wonder, right? And that’s when it happened. He recommended that I check out his friend.

And that, my dear friends, is when you know your dating pool has shrunk a little too far. When your one night stand recommends his friend as relationship material.

(For the record, he has promised not to admit how we met. Which means, of course, that I am dumb enough to allow the set up. You knew I would, right? It’s all in the name of entertainment, dear readers. I do it for you.)

What’s your dating super power?

I have a dating super power, oh yes I do! I am not able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I am not a bird nor a plane. I do not save babies from fires and kittens from trees. No no, I am simply known as The Next To Last Woman You Ever Dated! (TNTLWYED to you, mister.)

Well okay, so the title is a little lame. But quite accurate at least.

TNTLWYED is a lonely woman, as so many super heroes are. She leads a life of solitude and singledom, doomed to stay that way forever due to her magnificent powers. Yes TNTLWYED possesses awesome powers, but her power is also her downfall. So she lives a solitary life in a one bedroom apartment with just her cat for company.

What are these magnificent powers, you might ask? Well I shall tell you! TNTLWYED is indeed the next to last woman you ever dated! (What? I said it was a lame title. But accurate.) While you may have been happy and she may have been an excellent girlfriend, you did not know true love until you left her and found…… The One. Dating TNTLWYED is a guarantee that you will someday soon be happy. Just never with her. You will try, but eventually things will end. Sad, but true. But grieve not! Because the next woman you date will be perfect for you in every way! You will connect instantly and know you were meant for each other! You will actually live happily forever after! And TNTLWYED will disappear, melting in the darkness of her solitary abode, her job well done.

She will then go on to write bitter blog entries about how guys always find their perfect match just after breaking up with her. But you won’t ever notice. You will be deliriously happy. Such is the might of her dating super powers.

I didn’t say it had to be a cool super power, now did I?

How about you guys… what’s your dating super power?

Should you?

Unfortunately for this poor dude, the line probably would have worked if it had come from someone I would actually consider dating. And yet it didn’t. So this line:

I should wish to have such a lovely smile as yourself.

Illicits this response:

Then why don’t you?

No, I won’t write back to tell him that. But oh the temptation.

Holding Back

Rarely do two people fall for each other at exactly the same speed in exactly the same way. In fact, I would wager few of us have ever experienced such a thing. I know I never have. So what do you do when you fall faster or harder than the one you’re with? What do you hold back? How do you protect yourself? Or do you?

Mr. Big and I recently had an exchange that surprised me. I thought he understood me and knew more about me than he did. I thought he had more of my nuts and bolts figured out. Sometimes he seems so insightful it hurts, and sometimes I realize there is just so much more I need to show him. But no matter what is wrong or right between us, I trust him. I have for a long time now. It just is.

Another inalienable truth about me is that I have a hard time asking for help. For many years I ignorantly relied on those around me. I never worried about anything and let myself need those close to me. I never questioned that decision, it wasn’t even a conscious decision at all. I just did. And when my first husband and I split, I realized I didn’t know how to live alone. I’d never killed bugs, or mowed the grass, or been in the attic. I was paralyzed with fear. After that, all of my relationships suffered. I pulled everything inside of me and refused to lean on anyone. I married again but froze that man out in some ways. I was fiercely in-his-face independent in all things. I constantly reminded myself that I didn’t need him. I reminded him too. While that wasn’t the reason for the demise of our marriage, I know it didn’t help.

After that I was left to find a middle ground. Forced to admit that while I am a strong independent woman, I’m not a jack of all trades, and I’m not an island. I learned that I do need to lean on people, but I need to be selective about when and how and who. I learned there is a time for everything, even asking for help.

The end result is that I see trusting someone to help me as opening myself up to them somehow. It’s a way of giving a piece of myself over in exchange for whatever assistance they in turn provide. It’s admitting need and vulernability. So I am careful about who I ask to help me. And in the case of Mr. Big, I rarely allow him to do anything. Because I’m afraid to need him, and because I am already too vulnerable to him in too many other ways.

This weekend I knew I was going to need him. I hated it and yet I knew. He knew too. We have both watched this situation coming for some time now and we knew it was reaching a head. Yesterday I finally asked for his help. It was a big step for me, which we both understood. But we did not both understand why. In one offhand comment it became clear.

Mr. Big thought I held back because I don’t trust him. Amusingly enough, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I trust him more than I’ve trusted a man in years. I’ve let him have more in some ways than maybe I should have. But it’s true that I never asked for help. So he thought I didn’t trust him. And finally I had to explain. I don’t know if he’ll be here tomorrow. Because we have no commitment, I have no level of comfort. I have no way of knowing. And because I don’t know when he will disappear, I can’t afford to need him. I can’t let him have that part of me. It’s one part too many. He said he understood, but I wonder if he did. He also helped me with a minimum of fuss. I thank him repeatedly, but he downplays the situation. He tries to make me comfortable. But I still know what has taken place.

So I’m asking you, what do you do to hold back? How do you protect your heart when you know you are falling faster or harder? How do you try to keep from getting hurt?