Theory
Dating is hard. You know it is. Negotiating a tricky social situation with someone you may not know at all is simply difficult. It’s just uncomfortable to go and spend time with a stranger with expectations and hopes and feelings all raw and in the open. It’s unnatural and often painful. It’s just hard.
And what fascinates me about the process is that people constantly strive to make it even more difficult. One person will tell you to make immediate contact after a date, another will tell you to wait three days, still another will tell you you shouldn’t make contact at all but should wait to be chased. What is the right thing to do? Which rule is hard and fast? What should we all be following?
The bottom line is that everyone and every situation is different. So why on earth don’t we allow for that? Why don’t we do what is right at the time? Why do we insist on creating rules and regulations that in the end only frustrate most of us?
Recently I’ve been getting a lot of advice about men “liking the chase”. I should sit back and wait. My inherent air of mystery will bring them running. They will chase the unknown. And if they don’t, they’re just not that into me. And to some extent, I will admit there is wisdom hidden in there. Many men do like to pursue. And if they simply won’t, it can be a sign.
But the wisdom fails as well. Many men do not. And what about when they catch you? Because the goal of dating is not to dangle yourself out of reach for eternity. It is, presumably, to be caught. Will your man instantly leave then? Will they lose interest? Do you really want someone who can’t be bothered once they have your full attention?
And what about the fact that these generalities do not cover all situations? Each person is different. They have different needs, see things in different ways, want different things. There is no one blanket they all fit under. No one stereotype that will always apply. We can joke about typical men or typical women, but at the end of the day we don’t all fit the mold. And someone is getting very pissed at repeated attempts to be shoved in there.
If a man tells you up front that he will disappear if you don’t show some interest, do you honestly believe sitting back and making him chase you will work? Similarly if a woman tells you she will say exactly what she means, do you think constantly reading hidden meaning into her words is going to help you understand her?
The point is that dating is hard enough. The pressures, the fears, the hopes, the failures…. we’ve all been there. And as we get older it gets harder. Dating at every age has new challenges. So why do we, as single people, insist on making it more difficult? Why do we not just pay a little attention? Why not pay attention to what people say and try to meet them on common ground? Why do we not communicate with a little honesty so we can understand? Why not just listen?
If all men or women were the same, then it wouldn’t matter who we end up with. But we do not all come from the same cookie cutter, or even the same batch of dough.
PS – PP called. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, interested. And he would have called sooner had he not been working until quite late every night. He knows how early I get up and didn’t want to wake me. I already knew most of that, which is why I practiced a little patience. I
Filed under advice, question | Comments (6)6 Responses to “Theory”
Leave a Reply
Wise words.
For me, it’s not so much been the “chase” but the “challenge”. I know…very similar, but subtle differences.
When I was younger, I got bored REAL easy in relationships…and it usually happened right around the time the girl “warmed up to me”. Character flaw of mine? Likely. Uncommon? Unlikely. I honestly believe, however, that part of it was because there was nothing challenging about the relationship. It wasn’t that I “caught” her and the chase was over…it was that I simply wasn’t stimulated by this person enough. Granted, I probably needed more challenge than was fair for any one person to provide…but that’s where my head was.
I guess the thing is…I’ve dated women that challenged me and I stuck around longer, well after the hunt/chase was over. Another part of it, as the years have passed, is that I grew up. When I finally knew I wanted something more, the desire to find continual challenge diminished. Let’s face it, life’s easier when things are less stressful! *grin*
I try not to adhere to any rules…I agree with you, they’re silly. Be who you are, and react how you want to. If the person’s offended by your actions…then find someone who’s not, because this one just might not be for you…so don’t force it.
Cheers…
AL
Wanting a partner who can challenge you is definitely not the same as being in it for the thrill of the hunt. I can appreciate the difference.
I think for me the hardest part is excepting that not all men have a hidden agenda. I’ve gone out with so many jerks and guys that never had real interest in actually dating me so now I’m always cautious about going otu with someone. I want someone to like me for me and not just because my boobs are big and clearly that indicates that I’m easy.
I admit, I have problems believing not every man is just in it for no strings sex. Too many times that has happened for me, so I’m overly cautious. But I try, I honestly do.
Everyone has there own style. If you like to play games that’s what you’ll end up with. Play it straight and that’s what will stick around. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one. Just find the one that fits you and go with it.
That saying about opinions always cracks me up. And yet it’s still true!
Do what feels right to you… your damned if you do and don’t and yet have fun in the meantime. Everyone is different and ALL situations are different. I, also, have been on many dates, some good and some bad. A learning experience and the best of what you make of it leaves you with a smile knowing you tried. Go with your instincts and trust yourself… the rest of us can only be a sounding board for you.. enjoy!!!
Heh, I always do. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.
There has to be some magical balance between being interested without being desperate. I have yet to figure it out…but I’m thinking it’s out there.
I find a thank you note strikes that balance. You can be polite and indicate interest all at once, then leave the next move to him. The trick is not to make a move after you send it!
Every woman needs to vent, or does she? If so, maybe that’s what we all have in common. But it seems like my comment is now more or less unnecessary, but I was going to say that since we’re all different, and you’re different from us, go your own way, babe!
Heh, I think the venting is more of a human thing than just a chick thing. I do appreciate the kind words.