All aboard!
I have been riding the hormone express, so I was sparing you all the gory details. I know this saddens some of you as the hormone express can be funny to watch. But it is not funny if you are indeed trapped on the ride. And I am highly mockable even when sane, so I just didn’t need the help.
At it’s most glorious moment this past weekend, I was determined I had to dump Mr. Big. I had just decided he was truly only interested in me if I had no clothing and was gearing myself up for the big conversation. Mostly because he had gone dark for a weekend and I hadn’t heard from him. Two seconds into an IM conversation with me, he knew something was horribly wrong. But I hadn’t quite gotten myself set to share my big revelation so I was dodging. (How can someone know in one line of text that there is something wrong with me anyway. HOW???) Anyhow, he pushed until I admitted I was unhappy and gave some reasons for the cause. (His silence, his silence, and oh….. his silence.) Rational thought was restored soon after you will be pleased to know. And we are still…. well…. whaever we ever are.
But at the peak of the crazy talking, I somehow managed to reveal that I am afraid to tell him things sometimes because I don’t want him to think I’m a pain in the ass, or hard to deal with, or difficult, or whatever words guys use to describe chicks who make them batty in a bad way. I was already flailing around and sobbing on the couch because, you know, the end was nigh. And then he said it. He said one of the sweetest things a man has ever said to me. It wasn’t that he loved me or would never leave me or that I’m beautiful or anything. No…. he told me I’m not difficult. I’m not hard to deal with. And further more, I’m too hard on myself. He doesn’t understand why I think those things about myself, but they’re unjustified. According to him.
Well gentle readers, I cried even harder. Because in that moment I realized something horrible about the past…. oh, let’s say 15 years. Ever major male figure in my life for the past 15 years has told me what a pain in the ass I am. From my closest friends, to both my husbands, to my father himself. I’m difficult. I’m controlling. I’m “no shrinking violet”. I’m hard to deal with. I’m the reason my marriages went so rotten. I’m a bitch. Over and over and over they all say these things. And repetition is wearing. Eventually it sinks in. I believe I’m a giant pain in the ass.
So, for the first time in 15 years, a man who is important to me said I’m not any of those things. I’m not difficult. I’m not hard to deal with. I’m not a pain in the ass. He doesn’t think badly of me. I can tell him how I feel or when I’m unhappy because he’s not going to think less of me. And what’s even better, he thinks I’m am unnecessarily harsh with myself.
No one has ever said that to me before. It stopped me dead in my tracks. And after the tears cleared, it made me smile again. I’m still smiling.
Filed under Mr. Big | Comments (13)13 Responses to “All aboard!”
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Aww…I hope those were tears of JOY!
The second set was. Because seriously, how sweet is that???
He’s a keeper
Sista #1
I’m starting to think he just might be.
Those healing moments are so great.
Oh I can tell when the hammer is falling in a relationship.
But how does one line of text like “Doing okay. How’re you?” possibly clue you in to an upset woman? Because seriously, that’s what we’re talking here.
That is a very dear and sweet thing to say! hooray for you!!
Yeah, every once in a while he comes up with something good to keep his feet out of the fire. Go figure.
Go, Mr. Big. Nice work. Nice work. And honey, you’re totally not a pain in the ass. May I recommend therapy so you can be validated in this and come to realize that it’s the other people that are the pains in the ass.
I know it in my head, I just need to know it in my heart!
I have 2 girl friends who seem to know something is wrong when I log on and say “Hello” or when they ask how I am and I say “Fine”. Apparently that intution isn’t reserved just for women. Maybe when someone gets to know you, they know your mood swings and your mannerisms enough that how you phrase a simple sentence screams volumes to them.
It’s a little eerie though, right? Because I totally thought I was being slick.
He’s on to you. For the record, you’re not a pain in the ass, although you did BAIL on me Friday night. But no worries, I don’t hold grudges. MUCH!:)
I could have come and spent the night in the bar bathroom. That is, after all, what I did at home. But, you know, I kind of thought that might not be much fun for anyone… so I didn’t.
We must be friends, as we are on the same schedule!
Like nuns in a convent baby!
Keep him – for as long as you can.
You know I’m trying. Although to be fair, he doesn’t make me work very hard at all.
I am just a little worried about him going “dark” for the weekend on you and you having to IM him to get back in touch.
He just unplugged for the weekend (taking a break from everyone basically, which he rarely does) and chatting online is our primary means of communication when we’re apart. Apparently had I called or texted, we would have talked. (We did text for a little bit on Saturday.) And he was the one to break the silence on Monday, not me.
I don’t call him as a rule because he doesn’t enjoy talking on the phone and I don’t feel the need for it since it’s not fun for him. We keep in touch other ways, which is fine with me honestly.
I forgive you for breaking your date with me. This time.
Of course you are not difficult! Having a brain and feelings does not make you difficult- it makes you normal, human, and wonderful. And while I am so happy for you that he has made you happy – because that was a totally awesome thing to say – just know that he isn’t like “doing you a solid” by saying that you aren’t difficult. He doesn’t get gold stars or brownie points for that. Because even if you were a She Devil (which you are not), you are a wonderful, funny, lovely She Devil that any He Devil in his right mind would be happy to get with!
Can you please come over and tell me that every morning? Then I might believe it. Maybe.
May I recommend xanex??? LOL I have a fresh supply of Xantini’s over here…LOL
Well, they do keep the voices down, and my tears from appearing at the least expected times…
Nothing like a great happy story and bursting into tears..LOL
HUGS
Im here if you need!
Please send Xantini’s, preferably hand delivered by you. Also, please include special cocktail to make this blasted headache go away. Thanks.
I don’t know. It’s just a feeling and many times decisions are made over time. These are picked up.