A Tragedy
Every good One Date Wonder has a few sneaky tricks up her sleeve. In my case, more than a few really. I have some big sleeves, ok? Anyway, I usually wouldn’t give them away to the entire internets, but his is just too good of a story to pass up. So here is just one of my little tricks: I have a secret account on OKCupid that I use to scope people out without them knowing I’m doing it. Sounds juvenile, but it has serious benefits. I can browse anonymously. I can look at people I know. And no one ever has to know I’m doing it.
Due to the top secret nature of said account, the profile isn’t filled in and no one ever messages it. Or no one did, until last week. I already knew there must have been some desperation involved as this person had sent a message to someone who had zero personal information of any kind, no basic stats, and no picture. I’m not even sure how he found the profile, to be honest. But whatever, he did. The message was a little sad but being the sick voyeur I am, I went to look at the profile.
It was even sadder. He is 36, tragically short, and whines throughout the entire profile about how no one ever answers him. It was revolting. And then for the cherry on our little tragic sundae, he announces that he’s a virgin. A short, whiny, lonely, 36 year old virgin. And we wonder why no one responds?
At first I just laughed. Okay, I’m mean. I actually went back a few times to laugh. It was sort of funny, you know? Then I thought, maybe he really doesn’t know. I mean, he can’t help being short. And depending on beliefs (and availability) he can’t really just run out and lose his virginity. But he can stop the incessant whining, and not announce the lack of experience up front. He’d be a little less pathetic then, you know? Of course you know. Apparently everyone knew but him!
So…. I told him. Yep. I wrote back and told him. I sweetly announced that I was going to try to help out and I told him how unattractive the desperation was and how perhaps he should not declare his virginity right up in the front like that. I almost regretted it when I hit send, but then…. well…. I didn’t. Didn’t regret it, that is. I totally hit send.
He, of course, wrote back. He actually accepted the constructive criticism and changed his profile up according to my suggestions. Don’t misunderstand me, I still find it to be a rather tragic sundae. But at least it lacks whipped cream and a cherry on top, you know? I mean someone less savvy than myself might be fooled. Not you, dear reader. Of course not you. But, you know, someone. Anyway, he wrote back to say he had taken all the suggestions and then took a shot at me by pointing out that the advice was a bit rich coming from someone who hadn’t bothered to fill out their own profile. I almost let it go, but I figured I would nip the whole thing in the bud right there. I told him I wasn’t looking for responses. Different goals call for different tactics.
I figured that would be it. He had gotten his helpful advice and I had clearly just told him I didn’t want responses. But no. Of course not. The tragedy continued. Next I got an email saying that was a fair enough assessment… and asking me about my hobbies. That’s right, the short whiny virgin was trying to chat me up. After I specifically said I was not interested in anything. I think I can actually smell the desperation from here.
I have not answered. I think I just will not. I have made the dating site a little bit better and perhaps taught a tragic little man a bit about how to write a profile. Or perhaps not. But I’m not sticking around to find out.
Filed under advice, okc, tragic sundae |17 Responses to “A Tragedy”
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That is a GREAT story!!!!
Know what’s better? He replaced the tidbit about being a virgin by confessing his love for phone sex. No really. I’m not making this up.
Here’s the thing, the tragic sundae does not lack the cherry on top. He is the cherry because he’s still a virgin.
Shhhhhh! We’re not supposed to tell! Now he is addicted to phone sex. Geez…. some people.
Phone sex? You must inform him the real thing is so much better. Then run.
Better yet perhaps I should just give him your number so you can tell him?
He just sent me a message on my blank stalker account!!
”
36M, Randallstown, MD hi how r u. i am [tragic sundae] age 36 single male in baltimore county in randallstown. i am a kind person who is understaning of peoples’ feelings, non judgemental, open, and a nightowl. eventhough u did not say anthing on your profile, i still would love to hear from u. u can instant message me and email me at tragicsundae@yahoo.com.”
He would love to hear from you CS! Will you take his virginity?
That’s not funny. Not even a little bit! *grin*
Oh yes, yes it is.
I think you should at least get a dinner out of it!!!! Go For It!!! A virgin is hard to come by….
Kind of like a unicorn, except I’ve never figured out what those would be good for either.
Definitely a tragedy.
I’m 23 and a virgin but that’s down to decision more than anything. The guy just sounds like a typical case of short man syndrome unfortunately
Poor little lonely desperate short man!
I’ve often thought about emailing men when their profiles are truly horrid…but I’m always afraid they won’t take it as constructive. So I just avoid. I think it’s great that you told him, and even greater that he took some of your advice. (And, yes, sad, but kind of funny. I really feel sorry for men sometimes.)
Well, I wouldn’t have emailed him out of the blue. But since he initiated the conversation and I had absolutely nothing to lose (as no identifying information about me was anywhere in sight) I felt it was best that someone tell him he was tragic. Except I was nice! I swear!
Don’t deny it, you find his virginity and his “woe is me” thing, totally hot. HA!
Ugh, I have had my share of online dates…okay, I have more than my fair share of dates in general. Let me just add something from my experience that might benefit the dating population as a whole: Desperation is NOT, I repeat, NOT attractive.
I should know.;)
Oh yeah…. I like my men short, wimpy, and desperate. That’s hot. NOT.
He changed to liking phone sex! What??? Case closed - virgins are weird.
I concur. What he clearly needs is to get laid.
Awww… you ODW.. are a treasure of the anonymous dating world. So good of you to help such a tragic little man someday get laid, get taller and stop whining.
I did something similar for our mutual friend CS, although — she still hasn’t gotten laid, hasn’t gotten any taller and well.. let’s not talk about the whining… bwa..ha.ha… (Love you CS, you know I do!)
She is quite tall enough. But if you could work on those other two, I’d appreciate it.
virgins are weird.
All virgins or just this one?
Weirdness in this case is directly proportional to age. 36=weird, 23 not so much. Better?
So virgins are still weird. It’s just a matter of degree. K
I held out for a loooooooong time, RWG, and when I finally had sex it was with someone very special and it was really, really good. Weird? Well, admittedly it’s not the norm. But no one else can say what, or who, is going to be right for you.
Hey you’re the only one to write him back. It’s a sign from the heavens that you two will be married and the de-virgining ceremony will soon commence afterwards.
You know, I don’t think I love you anymore.
There’s a ceremony… Will I get sacrificed?
[...] just like a cherry on a tragic sundae (only a different tragic sundae than One Date Wonder wrote about the other day), I get my period. [...]