For future reference

Last night The Friend and I were out at happy hour with his roommate and some other mutual friends. We were picking on each other like we often do, when someone turned to us and said “Geez… so when’s the wedding?”

Apparently this is a very effective way to make The Friend shut up. I shall have to remember this technique.

Searching for something

Wow, some people out there are even worse about over analyzing their dating situations than I am. I mean, I’m pretty bad. I figured I was pretty much the worst there was. But let’s just look at a tiny section of what people are searching to end up here.

• confessions of ambivalent man – For that you’re best off talking to anyone I’ve been on a date with in the past year. Except that one guy. He’s just weird.
• why did he only ask me out on one date – Because asking you out on three at once is a little creepy?
• relationships he says let me know if you – Man, I wish I knew how this one ended. If you….. have the runs? Are in love with another man? Have a kinky fetish? The possibilities are endless.
• he would not stay with me – Oh honey, most of them won’t.
• signs your date at the movie went bad – see experience with Asian Grocery Guy. I hope that’s where you landed.
• does paying for dinner make it a date – Let me help you with that. No.
• after 1st date guy says he would like to – More of the endless possibilities. I can’t even tell you where my mind went here. Wishing I knew how this ended.
• what if he is aggressive on the first date – Did he hit you or try to get you in bed? Big difference.
• what if man says he had fun on date – Most people wonder what if he doesn’t! Be happy!
• blind date “i felt it” – I’m afraid to ask…. but felt what?
• how to get married. the rools – Whatever you’re trying to do (and then misspelling), it isn’t going to work. Surrender now.
• what does it mean when a guy doesn’t ans – This one got cut off, but I still know the answer. Girl, he’s just not that into you.
• why do eharmony matches close communication – Because they can.
• we set a date but he never called – Do you really need to search the internet to understand this one? Come on.
• thing to tell a women when your on a date – Not that you searched the internet for effective ways to woo her. Seriously.

Cradle Robber

Time to lighten up.

The last email I got on an online dating site? Was from a 19 year old. I am 30. What was he thinking? How could I seriously date a guy who couldn’t go out for a drink with me?

My guess is he was angling for beer. But whatever.

Without a Fight

Now I see it again…. the consequences of two divorces and 30 years of failed relationships. What happens when you don’t have a single good example to look to in your life. The natural reaction of someone who has watched all of her friends settle into happiness while all she could ever settle into were some broken dreams.

It’s not that my life is so bleak. It’s not that I’m so unhappy now. I mean, I’m aware of what’s missing, but I’m grateful for what I’ve started to build too. I have finally reached a place where I feel whole again. Where I feel ready to find someone else to build with too.

And yet. The bottom line. The one consequence I can never seem to outrun, is this: When someone says they would like something long term and committed? I panic. I start looking for reasons why I should run. I race for the exit and get my hand on the door before I can even slow myself back down again.

What is wrong with me? If I am finally face to face with what I want, why do I do this? I once had a friend chastise me for planning a breakup before I even had something to properly break up. We were talking about Mr. Big in fact, and I was telling her all of the reasons why I should never put stock in a relationship with him. (A notion that seems increasingly intelligent, by the way.) Why it would never be, and how I would have to leave in the end. And she interrupted me and told me to stop planning my break up before the relationship even started. To stop looking for the exit.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about the combination of me and the man in this situation. I think it’s about all me. I think it’s the reason I continue to meet men who don’t want to commit. Not because I’m repellent, but because subconsciously I am making a decision of some sort. I want to be committed, but something in me is still so very scared.

This is all navel-gazing for me at the moment. There is no man offering me commitment. But it’s something I have been realizing for a while and that was brought into sharp relief by that brush with Mr. Big this week. This morning I am just trying to stomp down the irrational panic. The fear of another breakup that looms before I even have a chance to just be happy for a bit. The tiny voice in my head that can sometimes be such a roar.

One of my new favorite artists is Edie Carey. This is from her album Another Kind of Fire and you should totally check her out. And while you’re at it, check out the lyrics below. I feel like maybe she has been in my head for a while. It’s eerie.

WITHOUT A FIGHT:
How do you do it?
I don’t get it
How you get so angry
And then just forget it
How forgiveness comes so easy to you
Maybe I’m just crazy
How I get so shaky
But what if happy just means lazy?
What if leaving is the only thing
I know how to do?

When will I learn
It doesn’t have to burn to feel good again?
I wanna know how to love you right
Without a fight

So I flirt with freedom
Think “maybe I don’t need him”
I’ve been saving up my reasons
Why I’m gonna break this little silver thread
Watch me go off the deep end
Smash the dishes again
Throw the suitcase on the bed
I’m just a hurricane of appetite
And empty threats

When will I learn
It doesn’t have to burn to feel good again?
I wanna know how to love you right
Without a fight

But the farthest I can get
Is one hand on the door

It looks so much like passion
And it hurts sweet like love
I think I’m finally understood, finally…

Without a fight, without a fight

-Edie Carey

If it sounds to good to be true…

…it usually is.

Apparently what Mr. Big meant to say last night was “I don’t want anything to change right now, but I haven’t ruled out the possibility of a relationship in the future”. Which, to me, has vague undertones of “don’t leave me just yet, ok?”.

So, you know, false alarm. Nothing to see here. Move along folks.

Stop the presses!

Mr. Big has just spent the last hour discussing not only being in a relationship with me but the possibility of moving in together. I am floored.

We tabled the discussion eventually with a promise to discuss more tomorrow. I am very very cautious about this. It seems fragile. I am not forming opinions at the moment… just waiting to see how the discussion goes. I will tiptoe around this carefully. But I will let you know.

Sleeping together

Today I’d like to talk about an interesting and often very dangerous aspect of dating in general; the sleepover. The sleepover is often elusive and often sought after, but then again sometimes it’s not. It’s also a very sensitive subject and a time frought with dating danger. What should you wear to bed? Will your partner want to cuddle, or will they retreat? Which side of the bed belongs to whom? What if someone snores, or farts, or hogs the covers? What about bed head and morning breath? It’s really a wonder we get there at all.

In my not-so-humble experience, the sleepover can be rare. I’m sure there are many variables that figure into this observation, of course. The types of people you choose to date, age range, etc. But let me just lay it out there as something I have been unable to get a whole lot of and consequently the thing I miss absolutely the most. I mean a good tumble is worth quite a bit of course. But the sleepover is solid gold for me.

Of course this comes about because last night, the elusive sleepover was mine. Zombie guy had asked me out earlier in the week and we decided on a movie for Thursday night. When it came down to the wire, he said he’d just meet me at my place. I was sure there was no sleepover goodness because it is that time and sleeping would really be the extent of our activities. After he got in the door last night and we took a break from the kissing hello, he asked if he could stay over. I promptly shared my dilemma. And he totally shrugged it off with a “So what?”. And so it was that he slept over last night.

Zombie guy is the best kind of sleepover there really is. He stays regardless of whether or not there is sexin’. He is flexible about the side of the bed, although he does have a preference so I gave a little for him this time. He doesn’t care who hogs the covers or ever mention the prescence or absence of weird bodily noises. And he cuddles. Oh my does he cuddle. If I am curled up against his back and change position, he will roll over to cuddle up against me just to maintain contact. He is pleasantly warm but not furnace-like, he nuzzles, and he makes happy little noises when I snuggle into him. And he never complains about things being too hot, too cold, too dark, too bright, too loud, or whatever else they might be. He just snuggles closer and falls back asleep.

This morning I went to work with a grin on my face and a glow that I’m sure will be misinterpreted. All we did was sleep. But damn, was it good.

What’s in a name?

What is it about the word “relationship” that seems to make people behave so stupidly? I mean honestly, you can have two people behaving for all the world like they are a bona fide couple, but if you throw the R word in there, one of both of them starts behaving like a crazed monkey. Why does one little word panic us so much?

We have relationships with friends and relationships with family. We have relationships with co-workers. But if I even suggest for one second that I’m having a relationship with Mr.Big, I fear his head would start rotating 360 degrees as he ran comically for the nearest exit. (Which would then be changing constantly because of the aforementioned head rotation. Actually I have to admit, this makes me laugh a little. Almost worth trying it just to see!)

Here’s my point. Mr.Big and I are obviously doing the deed. He stated up front from the very beginning that while that would be reserved for me and only me, he didn’t want to be tied down emotionally. Which meant he wanted the freedom to date around while keeping it in his pants. Those were the up front terms of our agreement. And so it went.

Except shortly after we sealed that deal, he yanked down his online dating profile. He stopped trying to meet people all together. And by his own admission, he has not been on a date with anyone but me since he met me. He is not dating anyone else and is not really interested in doing so. (Although to be fair, per the terms of our agreement, he could start again at any time.) And he very clearly says that he will be with me for as long as I want this arrangement. But, you know, we’re not in a relationship.

So, the real question for me is…. what exactly defines a relationship in that case? He cares about me, we talk all the time, we see each other frequently, we sleep together, and we go out sometimes too. Neither one of us is seeing anyone else, and there is an expectation of longevity. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….. you get the point. What is that if not a relationship?

Do you think it’s possible that the label is more frightening than the thing itself? That maybe some of us are attaching unrealistic baggage to the terminology here? Or is there something else entirely that defines a relationship and I am simply unaware of it? Talk to me.

Check it out!

Isabella of Risque Business is one of my favorite dating bloggers out there. And now she has graciously let me appear as a guest on her blog! Her latest entry “Internet Dating, Cue It or Screw It?” is an interview with none other than me, your favorite One Date Wonder!

Please go check it out and be sure to read the rest of Isabella’s blog while you’re there.

http://www.mainetoday.com/blogs/sex/

We were on a break!

On Monday, I told Mr.Big I needed a break. This kind of conversation is always interesting with him because invariably a few things happen. First, he wants to know if I’m replacing him with someone else. Now, since we’re not actually dating, he means in the bedroom. I told him no, I just needed some time off.

Next he wants to know if I need to talk. Of course I need to talk. I’m all messed up in the head because boys are weird. But somehow I’m thinking Mr.Big is not exactly the right outlet for my frustrations. I am almost painfully honest with him always, and this is no exception. I tell him I don’t want to talk to him about this. He presses one notch further. And let me qualify that by saying that he doesn’t press because he’s nosey. And he doesn’t press for gossip. He presses because somewhere in his anti-relationship head, he truly cares on some level. Maybe not the level I wish he did (Okay who am I kidding? Definitely not.), but he cares. In his own way. So he presses by reminding me that he cares about me and I can talk to him. And I reiterate that there are some things I simply cannot discuss with him and this is falling into that category.

Mr.Big is many things, for sure. But stupid has never been one of them. With that he stops pushing and changes the subject completely. What he does not do, and what I now do not have the heart to ask him to do, is go away.

Tuesday comes and he emails me. I vent about work, he presses for more information. I dodge. He presses again asking simply if I’m giving him a stock answer to make him go away. I tell him no and we talk about it. As always, he exhibits a great amount of intelligence and care and gives thoughtful advice. I apologize for my slightly crazed dumping on him. He tells me if that is my idea of slightly crazed, then I should go give lessons to other women as it was nothing at all. And again, I wonder why I am not good enough for a relationship. But I do not press. I don’t even mention it. I let the email thread drop and go about my life, thinking my break is coming.

But no. It’s like in telling him I was pulling away a bit, he pulls closer to make sure I’m not leaving. Every time he feels me slip, he dances in. With attention, and dates, and caring. Last month when I he did it was dazzled. I pulled him closer and pretended it meant something.

But it doesn’t. It means nothing. It merely means he likes my body and the bedroom antics are good. It means he’s getting some regularly and he doesn’t want it to go away. I mean, sure he cares. I’m not an empty shell to him. But him pulling closer will never make me his girlfriend. It will ever let me into his apartment, or out to meet his friends, or casually mentioned by name in a conversation with his family. It will never make me anything more than I am right now. Which is fun, but will never go any further than this.

Today I needed to write that out to reinforce it. I can’t afford to get more stars in my eyes over this. It will never be anything more. Not ever. I know that. So why does writing it out like that feel so bad?