What’s in a name?
What is it about the word “relationship” that seems to make people behave so stupidly? I mean honestly, you can have two people behaving for all the world like they are a bona fide couple, but if you throw the R word in there, one of both of them starts behaving like a crazed monkey. Why does one little word panic us so much?
We have relationships with friends and relationships with family. We have relationships with co-workers. But if I even suggest for one second that I’m having a relationship with Mr.Big, I fear his head would start rotating 360 degrees as he ran comically for the nearest exit. (Which would then be changing constantly because of the aforementioned head rotation. Actually I have to admit, this makes me laugh a little. Almost worth trying it just to see!)
Here’s my point. Mr.Big and I are obviously doing the deed. He stated up front from the very beginning that while that would be reserved for me and only me, he didn’t want to be tied down emotionally. Which meant he wanted the freedom to date around while keeping it in his pants. Those were the up front terms of our agreement. And so it went.
Except shortly after we sealed that deal, he yanked down his online dating profile. He stopped trying to meet people all together. And by his own admission, he has not been on a date with anyone but me since he met me. He is not dating anyone else and is not really interested in doing so. (Although to be fair, per the terms of our agreement, he could start again at any time.) And he very clearly says that he will be with me for as long as I want this arrangement. But, you know, we’re not in a relationship.
So, the real question for me is…. what exactly defines a relationship in that case? He cares about me, we talk all the time, we see each other frequently, we sleep together, and we go out sometimes too. Neither one of us is seeing anyone else, and there is an expectation of longevity. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….. you get the point. What is that if not a relationship?
Do you think it’s possible that the label is more frightening than the thing itself? That maybe some of us are attaching unrealistic baggage to the terminology here? Or is there something else entirely that defines a relationship and I am simply unaware of it? Talk to me.
Filed under Mr. Big, question |5 Responses to “What’s in a name?”
Leave a Reply
Yes, I think there is too much pressure attached to the term. It implies that you are supposed to act a certain way, feel a certain way, etc. There are expectations which can lead to disappointment.
Mr. Big seems to be acting that certain way and feeling that certain way, but is possibly scared of the implications that come with the “R-word”. With a friendship or even a friends with benefits type of situation, there is room for error. In other words, you or he can slip up — kiss someone else, sleep with someone else, etc. And though you’ve outlined the terms and conditions of this ‘thing,’ you’d probably not be done with one another if a mistake was made. This is not true of relationships.
When I was in this situation, he was all too eager to play the part. Of course we exchanged I love you’s; we had already been in a relationship and it’s hard to transition out of those words. Sometimes he’d come over just lie in bed and nothing else. Oh but if I mentioned the dreaded r-word, he’d go nuts. “We’re just friends! I love you, but we’re just friends! We can’t do this anymore!,” and so on and so forth.
So yes, the terminology weighs us all down unnecessarily.
I just preface relationship with the word romantic to define it. It can definitely prompt issues though among men with a fear of committment.
Sounds like Mr. Big needs to look in the mirror and figure out what he wants
Truth be told, I’m thinking so do I (need to look in the mirror). But I’m holding onto that for another entry, I think.
Jessica - I’m thinking a lot of women have found themselves in this situation in the past. It seems to often strike a chord with people.
On the flip side, it seems to horrify settled non-committment-phobic guys quite a bit.
I knew a discerning woman such as yourself would see the hidden meaning in that comment.
I look forward to that entry and the more to follow afterwards
Speaking from experience: He won’t say it’s a relationship because he doesn’t want to promise you a future. There’s no guarantee that he won’t bail and he’s basically telling you “I can still bail, you know” so that you don’t get any expectations. It’s fine if BOTH people are okay with this arrangement, but it sounds like you aren’t. Therefore, he’s being unfair to you. You want the promise of a future - the promise of there being more to this than just sleeping together and “I care about you”s–defining it as a relationship implies that things are going somewhere. And they’re not.
(FYI: the harshness in that comment is also me reminding myself why I’m not pursuing my own Mr Big anymore….it just got too hard and unfulfilling.)
