Paying for it
Okay, so there’s something that has been bugging me lately. And now you’re going to have to pardon me while I climb up on my soapbox and share this with you.
Picture this: A guy and a gal are out on a date together. Nothing too fancy, just a giant chain restaurant that could be found in any city in the US. Conversation is good and they are enjoying each other’s company. No one has ordered anything extravagant, but it’s fun. Maybe it’s even giving one or the other of them hope that there might still be good dates to be had. Dinner is over and the guy suggests dessert. So dessert is had. Then comes the check, and things fall apart.
The guy analyzes the check. He deduces that meals were about the same price, implying that the gal needs to pay her half. But wait! The gal ordered a drink (soda, not booze) and he did not. So she must pay more. Cash is laid out, change is gotten. The guy says the service wasn’t so good and leaves a slightly low tip. Then he proceeds to split the change with the gal, giving her less, of course, because of the soda.
Then there is a walk back to the car, pleasant conversation continues. The guy asks the gal if she would like to go out again sometime and promises to follow up with her later in the week.
Please tell me you see what is wrong with this picture. Because here’s the thing. The gal (clearly me, so let’s stop pretending) waited for him to ask her out. I let him pick the place, set the date, and set the time. This is how I roll. This is a first date. And I don’t care how antiquated you are about to think I am, I expect a man to pay on the first date. And guys, it is so not just me.
Now, if an ongoing dating arrangement is to be had, I expect costs will have to be shared. Either split down the middle at check time or institute a policy where each person pays for every other date. Something will eventually be done to take the pressure off. But on a first date the man needs to be the man and pick up the check.
I will do my part, don’t misunderstand. I will not order anything expensive. No booze, no appetizers, and no dessert. If any of those things are ordered, it will be at his urging. I will eat my meal, not pick at it. I will make conversation and eye contact. Even if I’m not thrilled with him, I will make sure I am polite and courteous. And when the bill comes, I will reach for my purse. At that moment, the man is supposed to say “I’ve got it.” I will make eye contact and ask once, and only once, if he is sure. When he says yes, I will say thank you and conversation can resume.
But guys, hear me now. If I reach for the purse, and you do not stop me? The date is probably ruined. You are most likely not for me (although I’m willing to entertain exceptions these days), and I am not unusual in this respect. And if you then start quibbling over who gets pennies and quarters or who ordered a soda? I will not forget. And all the good conversation in the world will not cover the fact that you were concerned over who got the last quarter.
For the record, I told him he could have it.
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I had a very similar first date experience. The date was pleasant enough. The skies didn’t open and bells didn’t chime. But when the check arrived and he began number-crunching, I was immediately turned off. Besides, when a person quibbles that much over pennies and quarters, chances are they quibble about a lot of things in life.
OMG! I so totally agree. It’s not that it has to be this way forever… if you wind up in a relationship then of course both parties should cover the costs of things where appropriate but one a first date.. you’ve got to be kidding me! How cheap. So many good manners have gone by the way side but this one absolutely is a must. And guys, if you don’t have the money no big deal, there are plenty of creative things to ask a girl to go do if you are short of funds temporarily… ANYTHING would be better than the above.
Wow…I can’t imagine what was going through your date’s head to make him think that was acceptable behavior. It’s bad enough that he didn’t even offer to pick up the check, but to then quibble over the change…both cheap and petty. I’ve only ever split the check once on a first date, and that was because she was threatening to stab me with her fork if I didn’t allow her to take care of her half. Seriously, it was turning into an argument so I just let her have her way. My philosophy is, “If I ask you out, I’m paying.” Go figure.
This has been an ongoing debate with my friends. I think the guy should pretty much always pay, but especially on a first date, but I am always willing to do “the reach.” The man allowing the reach doesn’t necessarily rule out a second date – but actually adding up what each person had? Yeah, you’re going to get tossed out. That’s when I just throw down a twenty and be done with it, even if my “half” was only $12.
I always pay. And pay. And pay… and pay. Sorry, I am not talking about money any more.
Ha ha
He should have paid for the date in full but maybe getting picky over the bill is his way of laying the foundation that he doesn’t want a second date.
You are right though. If he asked you out and chose the venue then it’s his duty to pay.
More importantly, when you walked back to the car, did he deliberately walk on the outside (ie between you and the road). That’s the mark of a real gent.
Oh, good heaven. Yeah, no second date for him!
I agree that the guy should always pick up the tab on a first date, not split it. Even if you end up dating as boyfriend/girlfriend, he should pay. I’m old school, I guess.
That said, once you’re in a relationship there are things a woman can do to not break the guy’s wallet. Cook him a meal once in a while, throw a picnic for him, don’t insist on the most expensive new restaurant in town every time.
But for first dates, guys should pay.
For the record, I try only to pick places when I intend to pay. Otherwise I let him choose, make sure I order reasonably, and as long as he’s not a picky eater I will offer to cook frequently.