Mr. Big

Mr. Big and I have…. an arrangement. It is mutually beneficial, totally great, and exactly not what I want all at once. We sleep together. A lot. Just with each other. We don’t sleep with anyone else, just each other. But we’re not in a relationship.

We see each other as many days out of the week as we can manage. We still go out to eat, cuddle, and do other things. But there’s also a lot of the sex. But we’re not in a relationship.

We like each other a lot. And the sex is seriously hot. But we are not in a relationship.

Mr. Big does not want “to be trapped”. So we date other people and have no real committment to each other. Well, other than the monogamy thing that is. Because, you see, we are not in a relationship.

And, of course, he is the only man I’ve met in a year who I would totally have a relationship with.

The Friend

Ahhhh yes, the classic tale of he who does not wish to date you. This would be that guy, the one who you just know is perfect for you. He’s attractive, and funny, and you share interests. You hang out together and have a great time. He probably has all kinds of other qualities that you have searched high and low for in other men to no avail. And once, just once, you reached a juncture in your relationship where you thought you were going to be dating and living the dream. And then it happened. For whatever reason he told you he just wants to be your friend.

Of course, I have one of these. First it was that he didn’t want to date “right now”. Then it was that he is the eternal bachelor. Now it’s that his work takes up too much time. Never fear though gentle readers, I gave up the dating effort after the first reason (“not dating right now” for those of you following along at home). And he moved firmly into friend territory. A fact I actively lament after each fresh date with someone else gone horribly wrong.

These days I accept that he is just my friend. Okay, I kind of accept that he is just my friend. Okay okay, I really like hanging out with him and he helps keep me sane so I try to convince myself that just friends is a-okay in hopes that eventually I will completely let go of these not-so-friendly thoughts about him. The bad news is that I keep imagining that he is sending me not-so-friendly signals when we talk. Which maybe he is. Or maybe I am just thinking he should be. Maybe I just really don’t know anything.

But you see, I have this great friend. Ugh. I’ll get better at saying that. Maybe. (Like as soon as he starts dating me.)

Hmmmm…

Does anyone use calling cards anymore? And by that I mean a business card that is not business at all. I’m envisioning a card with your name, phone number, and email address on it. Mainly because I can’t fathom what other information I might slip to someone I don’t know too well.

Anyway, is this still done? Do you think it would be useful?

Princess

Once upon a time, I started talking to an interesting sort of guy online. Everything was going nicely and we’d moved into some IM conversations when it happened. He called me princess.

Why that is creepy, I don’t know. But it is. And that was that for me.

The lesson? Don’t use pet names until you really know a girl. Otherwise you may never.

Insinuator Backfire

Had a nice chat with The Insinuator last night. I had told him I didn’t know about Saturday because the weather was dicey and he wanted to walk around outside. He wrote back and said he saw my point and maybe we should just reschedule. Apparently that was Insinuator-speak for “you plan something to do inside then”. I didn’t take the bait.

So last night he catches me on IMs and asks what’s up for Saturday. I tell him nothing. He gets confused and clarifies that he is asking what we are doing. I told him I understood the question and the answer is still nothing. The Insinuator is momentarily confused by such directness. So I rush in and tell him that my next few weekends are all booked up too. After all, if he doesn’t understand the direct approach, perhaps mutual insinuation is the way to go here?

He says to let him know when I have a Friday or Saturday night free. I tell him I will and then hop offline. Sure I will. The day he learns to be direct, that is.

The Insinuator

You know what I am really learning to hate? The man who lacks the balls to just outright tell you something is bothering him and instead must insinuate that you are in the wrong. If you think I screwed up, muster the intestinal fortitude to tell me so. If I have an explanation, I’ll offer it. If not, I’ll apologize. But if you insist on being passive aggressive and weird about it, don’t expect me to fall at your feet drooling “I’m sorry”s.

Consider, if you will, the situation at hand. The Insinuator wanted to go out last weekend (before all insinuating had occurred). He asked when I was free. I told him that at that moment, I was open Friday night, Saturday night, or Sunday day. I also told him that my schedule was subject to change, as always. Later on, The Stalker (before all stalker tendencies surfaced) asked me out for Friday night. I said yes. Of course, The Insinuator comes back a day or two later with Friday night as his choice.

Now, I tried to be nice. I apologized when I shouldn’t really have done so. I explained that something else had come up, the other times were still free if he was interested, and said I was still genuinely interested in meeting him. And the insinuating began. First he felt the need to tell me how he was now working Friday night. He doesn’t usually you see, but decided he would switch shifts as a favor to a co-worker since I had canceled on him. Then I was treated to a long explanation as to how he doesn’t really like working weekend shifts. Then I was told about how he had no other free time that weekend. Then we rescheduled for the following Saturday. Fine, story over, right? Wrong.

Then he got stuck being on call on Saturday evening. He felt the need to write a long email explaining how even though I had flaked on him the previous weekend (softened, I suppose by the ubiquitous LOL), this was not tit for tat behavior on his part. And would I mind Saturday afternoon instead. As a matter of fact I’m free Saturday afternoon, but not for a date with The Insinuator. I wrote back to tell him in no uncertain terms that I did not flake on him. He took his time responding to the planning email and my calendar filled up while he did so. (My schedule waits for no man.) I told him my schedule can be rather fluid at times and if that was going to be a problem he needed to say so up front.

The Insinuator, of course, ignores the direct approach. He will probably email me in three days with a vague reference to me being hostile. Which is just as well since I won’t be going out with him anyway. Insinuate that.

Gah!

Tried to blow off the stalker and all of his “Call me if you have time.” messages. I told him my week is insanely busy and if I find free time, I’ll be using it to sleep. (Because honestly, who is that busy? At the very least I could call you from the car.) His response?

That sucks that you’ll be so busy but I’ll be thinking of you. I miss talking to you.

This one’s going to require drastic measures.

Delaware

I once went out on a date with a guy who told the same joke over and over. About Delaware, no less. Because honestly, if you were going to use the same material couldn’t you at least find something more interesting?

He told me the joke when we met at a party. He told me the joke when we went out to dinner. And he told me the joke again when he finally called me two weeks after said date and I was seeing someone else.

I never had the chance to even tell him that though. During that last phone call he drove through a tunnel and his cell phone cut out. We never spoke again. Which is just as well because that damn joke wasn’t even funny.

The Stalker

Don’t get too up in arms on me now, I’m not going to talk about a real stalker. By “the stalker” I mean that guy who will not accept waning communication. The one who comes on too strong from the get go and will not let up. The one who follows up an unanswered voice mail with a text message and then an email a few hours after leaving it. That guy. I know you’ve met him. He is the stalker.

I have one now. It is partly my fault, as most of these situations tend to be. The attention was flattering at first. The early communication was sweet. The flattery floored me. Some women are tragically easy that way. I am one of them. There was cuddling and compliments and I did not discourage the stalker from his trade.

But after we slept together (ooops), it was just all too much. The constant assurances that he wanted a meaningful relationship. The sad little “call me”s in every email. Clearly I should not have gotten in bed with him. (Although in my defense a bit, most men do not get stalkerish after the sex. They get…. well…. gone. Because they got what they wanted and will only come back if they think there is more to be had.) So now the stalker can’t just be dropped like a hot potato because of the whole complicated sex mess. So I am trying to back him off a bit.

But the stalker, he just keeps coming. Emails, text messages, voice mails…. and the horrid “I miss you”s. Dude, we just haven’t known each other that long. Have a little self respect. With each passing day, the stalker does himself more damage and weakens my resolve to ease him down slowly (without more sex, tyvm!). I am smothered and feel the urge to run.

Last night’s text message merely said “meow”. WTF???

Never

Something that is never okay for a man to say to a woman:

Am I too big for you?

Unless we have screamed (unlikely), the answer is no. You are fooling yourself. And we are trying not to laugh.