Once Upon a Saturday

It started off kind of like any weekend could. We had plans to go downtown, catch a movie on the big IMAX screen at the Science Center and then dinner reservations at an Italian restaurant we had heard was good. LC got up late and suggested we head out early. The weather was nice, sun was out, and we could walk around downtown a bit and enjoy it. We both got ready and drove out to get some lunch. After lunch we walked around a bit, looked at the water, and hit our first snag.

The movie wasn’t showing at the time I had seen advertised earlier in the week. Now what? No problem LC assured me, we’d just bum around the city and take it easy. So we walked around for bit. After a while LC was thirsty and I needed a bathroom so we headed into a drug store and asked if they had a restroom. When I came out, LC was sitting near the door. I told him I was ready to go now, but he said he needed to make a stop too. Unfortunately the restroom was inconveniently located behind a door that had to be unlocked by an employee. It was about to shut so I went to run for it. That’s when it happened. I felt this awful *pop* inside my left leg and froze in my tracks. Luckily someone else came out from behind the door and LC got to use the restroom. When he came out he asked if I was okay and I insisted I was. Just needed to walk it off! No problem! A few steps later, I was almost in tears and LC was convinced I needed to go home.

No! I don’t need to go home! I just need to walk it off! I’ll be fine! LC wasn’t buying it. I limped around the drug store to grab some mascara and something to rub on my oddly injured leg. We paid for that, plus the soda, and headed off. LC was still skeptical, but I was insistent. So out we went. When I stepped off the curb to cross the street, I shrieked. LC looked more skeptical. I managed to hobble across the street before he made me sit down. He ended up going back across the street to get some aspirin while I sat still. When he got back I took the pills, drank a little soda, and insisted we try to walk around again. LC tried to convince me he would pull the car over and pick me up but I totally panicked. No! I want to walk to the car! I’m going to be okay! So fine, I limped up to the car, by which point I was sore and worn out. I was frantic not to go home though so he finally calmed me by agreeing we could drive around for a bit. It was a compromise I accepted.

We ended up driving to a nearby urgent care center. I could barely walk and he knew I’d refuse the emergency room. I tried to resist but he wasn’t having any more of it. In we went. I filled out all the little intake papers like a good girl and we finally got into a room. The nice nurse turned on the television for us and we waited some more. LC turned to me and said, “Pretty funny day, huh?” I glared at him. “I don’t think so.” We waited some more. Then the lights in the facility went out. Seriously. As we sat there in the quiet and the dark I turned to him and couldn’t help but laugh. “Now it’s funny.” I told him.

Eventually the lights came back on. The doctors wrapped my leg and sent me out on crutches. And we had no idea where to go from there. LC drove us back into the city while I continued to insist that sitting still would only make it worse. He drove to a nice neighborhood by the water and parked the car. I tried to figure out whether I had to walk with the crutches, or maybe just one crutch, or maybe none. He told me we didn’t have to do this. I threw both crutches in the back of the truck and decided to limp.

We limped across the street and out to the end of a wharf. Finally we sat down on a bench. We talked for a bit. We watched the water for a bit. And eventually LC turned to me and said he had a question to ask me. And right there he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Of course I said yes! And he slipped the most gorgeous ring onto my finger. And that, my dear friends, is how I got engaged.

Afterwards I couldn’t limp much further. He ended up pulling the car around to get me and take me to our dinner reservations for the evening. We had a nice dinner and then came home and put some ice on my leg. And on Monday I’ll call a specialist because I’m still limping.

But once upon a Saturday, just yesterday in fact, LC proposed to me. And I said yes. And now all we need to do is live happily ever after. I can’t wait.

Last Sunday…

Actual conversation with LC last Sunday…

Me: You know, I really have no idea what kind of ring I want, so I know you couldn’t possibly. I think we should go shopping together, figure it out, and then whenever you are ready you’ll know what you’re shopping for.

Him: Okay. Let’s do it next weekend.

Me: *blink* Okay.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I cannot count how many times over the years people have asked me that. And for at least the last ten years, my answer has been short, sweet, and more than a little flip. So what does Jane Wonder want to be when she grows up? Happy.

Just….. happy. No restrictions on how, or why, or where. Just happy. And I feel like for as long as I can remember I’ve been struggling to just be happy. I was never happy with the first job I took at my company. It was stupid work that I mocked while I was anywhere but there. I wasn’t happy with my first husband either. On some level I always knew he was lying and cheating and stealing. So I ditched him and started dating what would be my second husband, then I got a new job. But I still wasn’t happy. The job was nice enough but the second husband was an embarrassment. In my secret heart of hearts I always thought I could do better. And, after being shoved halfway across my house and threatened, I realized I could. And I left.

After that some funny things started happening. I got another new job that I really enjoyed. And then I met this great guy. And life just started cruising along on auto pilot and I stopped paying attention.

Until last week. Last week I was coming home from work. I had my sunroof open, my music blasting, and I was dancing in the car and singing my fool head off. The weather was gorgeous and I was heading home to be with my favorite person. And that’s when it happened. Out of the blue and without warning. I realized that I’m happy.

Wow. I mean what a revelation for a Wednesday afternoon. I wasn’t really pondering my life or where I am or where I’m going. I wasn’t inventorying successes or joys. I was just driving down the road when it came to me like some kind of crazy cartoon AHA! moment. I’m actually happy. And to tell the truth, I’ve been grinning ever since.

Now, just don’t tell me this means I have to be a grown up…

Unintended Side Effect

Recently I was thinking how much I missed this group of gals I used to hang out with all the time. We would go to wine tastings, events, dinners, parties and just generally have a great time. I met them all at a time when I really needed some friends and I’ve been grateful for them ever since. So it startled me to realize I hadn’t done anything with them as a group in quite some time.

So I opened up Facebook (which is in fact, still the devil) and cruised on over to a few of their profiles to see what is new in their lives. And what I found were parites, events, wine tastings, dinners, and general fun. And everyone was there… except me. First I thought that maybe the events had been for different groups of their friends. No need to be paranoid after all. So I flipped through photos and laughed along with them. But then the photos revelead the ugly truth. All of my beloved girl friends were there. All except for me.

Then I realized that they don’t answer my emails anymore. And most of them have found reasons not to come when I organize something. The evidence is overwhelming. I have been cut out.

And so I’m left wondering why. I do shower and brush my teeth on a daily basis so I’m pretty sure I don’t smell. I’m always glad to see them. I care about what happens in their lives. And once upon a time when I had drama in my life, I didn’t go dumping it all over them. In fact, only one real thing has changed since these girls first welmcomed me into their group. LC.

When I met these women we were all swinging singles. Some of us were dating, some of us weren’t bothering anymore. We’d talk about vacations, bad dates, the latest guy we weren’t going to go out with again, etc. But there was more to us than that, or so I thought. Except now it’s like a Sesame Street game of “which of these is not like the others?” and the different one is me. So when they joined a new wine tasting group, no one told me. And when someone threw a crazy hat party, I wasn’t invited. I did a quick sniff test and I still smell quite delightful, so this is the only possible reason I have.

I am left to assume that when LC and I moved in together, I no longer qualified to be one of the girls. And now I’m wondering… is that really the reason I’m no longer a standard invitee when the girls are going out? Do they think LC and I are attached at the hip? Or worse, that I have nothing in common with them anymore? Did they simply never like me that much? Or am I now excluded from their social circle because I’m no longer single? Is losing my friends an unintended side effect of being with LC?

I won’t ever really know the answer. I am not rude enough to call someone up and ask why I don’t get invited to their parties anymore. And I’m not presumptuous enough to invite myself to a wine tasting or a dinner when I’ve been left off the list. I will not question why they are all mysteriously busy the night of my first party in the new apartment. Instead I will sit quietly at home with LC and nurse my wounds. And I will miss my friends.

Welcome 2010

Ten years ago today I was married to my first husband. We’d just spent a New Years Eve doing something I honestly don’t even remember. The only thing I do remember about it was that we were living with my father and when we woke up ten years and one day ago, we were watching the year 2000 ring in across the country and realizing there was no Y2K madness to be afraid of.

Today I’m in a very different place. I’m divorced from him and someone else. I don’t speak to my father anymore. I am on my own and making a lot more money. And I have LC and this great apartment with him.

This last decade brought me two divorces and more heartbreak than I ever thought possible. So today I welcome a new one. A new decade in time. Even though it’s not a round decade in age for me, it still feels like something big. Some big passage of time. Possibly more because of all that happened than anything else.

In the past ten years I divorced two husbands, moved five times, met and banished my very own Mr. Big, loved four cats and lost three, and found what I imagine to be my life’s partner. That’s a big ten years.

Today, I look forward to ten more. Maybe I’ll get married, maybe I’ll have kids. Maybe I won’t. I intend to drink a lot of good wine, eat a lot of great food, enjoy the company of the best friends I’ve ever known, and be happy. I am determined that my life has turned around and I’m going to keep it and me on track.

I stopped doing resolutions a long time ago. I resolve not to resolve. It’s a good plan as I always manage to meet my goal. I hope for a lot though. And I hope not to lose hope. I hope for the best.

So to all of you on the first day of 2010 and of a new decade, I wish the same. I wish for good wine, good food, good friends, and hope. May you find your dreams. Happy New Year!

Goodbye 2009

New Years Eve is a party holiday for, well, everyone. But for me…. okay it’s *that*, but it’s also a time of reflection. It’s the one moment when an entire year is behind you and you can see exactly where you’ve been. You have that one moment to reflect on what was and make decisions about how to change it, or not. You can take a finite measurement of time and really look at who you were and what happened. I know I’m a little crazy, but that’s pretty cool to me. So every year on this day, I find myself taking stock of what was. And tomorrow, I will take stock of what could be.

So there’s a lot about this year that I’m not proud of. There is, most notably, Big. And the fact that he nearly wrecked everything for me. There was the unforgettable moment he moved into his own apartment….. only to move back the next day. And then dump me when I put my foot down. Yeah… I’ve gotten pretty used to glossing over all of that but there it is. There is also my return to the land of common sense when I went back to LC and asked him to forgive me. He said yes, but we had a rough time of it there for a while. While it may not have been his intention to punish me, he was angry and, well, he did. And we both know that. But by the grace of 2009, we somehow rode it out together.  And now we’re here. We moved into our new apartment 10 days ago. We’re nearly unpacked. We go to bed every night together. In the last six months, our life has turned around 180 degrees.

At the beginning of last year, I was full of hope for us. I talked about giving us a real chance. I was ready. And now, at the end of the year, I am surprised to find that I actually achieved that goal. Believe me, no one is more surprised than me but facts are facts. And we may have taken the scenic route to getting here, but get here we did. And hey, at least I know now that the car we rode in can take it.

My hope for next year is to take more of a freeway to my goals, rather than the twisty windy scenic route. But all in all, this year wasn’t quite so bad after all.

Sales Pitch Gone Wrong

Please read the updates at the bottom of this post.

Tonight the phone rang. I checked caller ID and it was unavailable… some random 1-800 number. I almost didn’t answer, but I thought better of it. I’ve been able to stop most of these random calls by picking up the phone, hearing them ask for someone I’ve never heard of, and telling them they have the wrong number. So yeah, I was a little sharp when I said “Hello?” A woman was on the other end of the phone and the conversation went like this:

Her: Is Mr. Wonder there?

Me: There is no Mr. Wonder.

Her: Oh…. Mrs. Wonder?

Me: No, there’s no Mrs. Wonder either.

Her: Ummmmm… I’m calling for…. Jane Wonder?

Me: I’m Jane Wonder but I’m definitely not married.

Her: Oh. This is Comcast and we recently got your order to disconnect…  [insert sales pitch here]

Now let me tell you something. I have had this cable account for two years. In those two years I have always been Ms. Wonder. There is no Mr. Wonder nor was there at any point in our cable relationship. Nor was I a Mrs. at any point. Which makes this an incredibly grave error. Especially on the part of a company which has had a two year relationship with me.

Let me be clear. This is not a random sales pitch. It’s not a cold sales call where some telemarketer doesn’t know what they’re walking into. No. This was a call from my cable company of two years. My cable company which I have paid, on time, a rather large sum of money every single month. My cable company who ought to know exactly who I am or at least have a cheat sheet attached to my file so they can pretend to. Furthermore, the cable company was making this particular call to try to entice me to give them yet more money and not cancel my service. They were trying to strengthen our relationship.

How can you strengthen a relationship with a customer by assuming because she is a woman she must be married and because she must be married her husband must be the default person in charge of the account? Especially when there has never, not once not ever, been a man’s name on said account? How do you expect to sell anything to a woman after telling her her non-existent husband is their preferred person to talk to?

If you see this Comcast, never fear. I terminated service because I’m moving. And there already was no need for me to transfer my service. However, if there had been a chance for me to do that, you would have ruined it the moment you asked for Mr. Wonder, my non-existent husband that your sales rep made up because every woman must be married and her husband must be in charge of everything. And if you intend to continue to do business with anyone, you need to train your people to pay attention to the names on those accounts and not assume every woman is a voiceless little housewife. You’ll certainly piss off less people that way. And less pissed off customers equals better business for you. So I hope this turns up in your tireless searches through the internet for dissatisfied customers. Because I’m dissatisfied Comcast. I’m dissatisfied because after two years of taking my money, you can’t even figure out who has been paying you all that time.

Hmph. Glad I got that out of my system at least. Now pardon me while I take out my aggression by packing some boxes.

Update: Comcast formally apologized to me after this entry was posted. Unfortunately, later this same week another Comcast rep called me about my internet service AND DID THE SAME THING. When I complained, she told me it is their policy to ask for Mr. or Mrs. on every sales call. So Comcast lied to me when they said it shouldn’t have happened. And Comcast in fact trains their staff to behave this way. Not only is it unacceptable to assume everyone is married, but it is unacceptable for any business to ask to speak to someone who has never been listed on a given account. I recommend everyone take this into account when deciding whether or not to use Comcast as a cable/internet/phone carrier. And I firmly recommend that you find another alternative. An alternative who will only speak to the account holder. And an alternative that does not, by policy, assume everyone is married.

Crazy

This is your official warning that I am low on free time lately. Work is crazy, moving is crazy, and several other things are crazy too. So if you could, please be patient while I move in with a boy, navigate my job, and try not to ruin myself or anything else. I may be a bit quieter than normal until sometime next year. But I’m here, and I still love each and every one of you.

Yes, even you.

Things I Loved About Being Single

As I start to pack up my apartment and move into a new stage of life, I’m anticipating a lot of new things on the horizon. But, as always, there are things I leave behind. And one of them is my swingin’ single sort of life. So today, I will honor that life with a list. A reminder to myself of why this was good, and hopefully a reminder to others of the positives in a situation we so often find to be negative.

Things I Loved About Being Single

• Living alone – I’ll admit, I wasn’t so thrilled about this at first. And it certainly does have some downsides. But overall living alone is kind of awesome. I can walk around naked whenever I want and wear ratty comfy clothes without wondering how they look to someone else. I can eat weird nutritionally unsound meals and there’s no one to judge me. I can have ice cream for breakfast without funny looks! My apartment is decorated exactly how I want it and is perfect for me, and no one ever complains about my pictures on the walls, or my area rug, or why they can’t have their couch/desk/hideous floor lamp displayed. I am the master of the thermostat and no one ever complains about it. I only watch what I want to watch on TV and I never have to go into another room to watch it. I don’t have to be quiet when I get up in the mornings. I can turn on every light in the place at 5 AM. I go to the bathroom with the door open. I shower with it open too. My bathroom never gets humid and gross. And I never have to collect anyone’s dirty socks or underwear when it’s laundry day.
• Sleeping arrangements – I have never slept better in my life. I have a whole glorious queen sized bed all to myself. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night because someone’s snoring too loud. I don’t feel anyone shifting about in their sleep. There’s no other alarm to go off and wake me up when I don’t have to be up yet. The covers are just the way I like them. And I sleep like a rock every night.
• Social Obligations – The only social obligations I have are my own. I make plans without asking anyone. I don’t have to worry about someone else’s schedule or preferences. I don’t have to decide if they’ll be too bored. I don’t have to give anything up because I didn’t have to go visit Uncle Joe last year. I don’t have to make nice with anyone else’s co-workers (because frankly making nice with my own is quite enough sometimes). I don’t even have to make plans at all if I don’t want to. I can plan ahead by as much as a I want or as little as I want. I can accept last minute invitations if I feel like it, or refuse them without feeling like a stick in the mud.  And if I want to make a date with my pajama pants, my couch, and the Lifetime movie channel, I can do that without anyone passing judgment. In fact, I can do it without anyone even knowing.
• Disgusting habits – I can clip my toenails in the living room. I can sing off key in the shower. I can pick my nose. And if the urge comes upon me, yes indeed, I can pass gas. I don’t have to apologize, or excuse myself, or even look around to see if anyone noticed. And if I deny doing it later (because I’m a delicate flower and I certainly never do any of that) there’s no one to call me a liar.
• Meals – I eat when I’m hungry. And when I’m not hungry? I don’t. And I have whatever I feel like having. And no one shakes their head, or complains because they don’t like it, or whines about being starved to death.

I could go on, but I’ll stop here. And yes, there are things I was not so fond of as well. But there is so much to be happy about and grateful for. So much so, in fact, that I almost didn’t want to give it up.

But in the end, all things must change and I am embracing new adventures. Hopefully they’ll live up to my expectations.

Public Service Announcement

So I’ve been grappling over posting this for the last few days. Ever since I found out quite frankly. But I have written the tough stuff before and so I decided to write this as well. Hopefully someone can learn something from me putting this here.

I am a careful girl. I visit my girly doctor and have my lady parts checked out every year like clockwork. I even get tested above and beyond that. I use birth control and protection. And if I choose not to use protection, I make sure there is an honest conversation about the safety of that decision. I never choose to go without birth control. I monitor my own health and call someone if something is odd. You get the picture. I take care of myself.

So it came as a total surprise when this year, after said lady part examination, I got a letter from the doctor.  Letters from the girly doctor are never good. If everything is okay, they don’t bother to talk to you again until next year. Letters only come when something isn’t okay.

So here’s the bottom line: I am HPV positive. Don’t panic it says. Everything else is normal, it says. But, you know, except for the HPV thing.

Here’s some fun information. HPV won’t show on any STD screenings. (In fact, it’s an infection, not a disease.) In men, there is flat out no way to detect it reliably. In women it can only be caught with your regular exam and only if your girly doctor screens for it which all of them don’t. Even those who do may only screen certain age groups. It’s not something they will immediately treat. It is something 50% of Americans have. There are 100s of kinds and no quick and easy way to tell which you have in most cases.

I have been in the age group for a while. My girly doctor just found it this year. That narrows my field for who could have passed that little gem on. To two people really… Big and LC. Furthermore, based on timing and general riskiness, all signs point to Big. Unfortunately, I can’t say for sure that’s the source. HPV can be latent for a period of time. People can get it and not present with symptoms. There is no way to be sure.

Of course, I had to tell them both. I told Big I thought he was the source. I also told him regardless of who the source was, he and all of his partners are now at risk. For him, it means not much. There are minimal risks for men. For them, it means a lot.

I don’t know if the HPV I have is low risk (may not do any damage at all) or high risk (may cause cancer). I don’t know if I have more than one kind. I don’t know how long I’ll have it. I don’t know if LC is infected now. I may never know these answers. Or I may find some of them out with time. But time is basically the only way to tell.

Here’s the PSA part of today’s program. The vaccine for HPV came out too late to help me. I was already too old. But it’s not too late to help our daughters. We can ensure they never have to go through what I’m going through right now. They don’t have to find this out and wonder. They don’t have to feel dirty. They don’t have to be at risk for cancer. Spare them from this and get them vaccinated. Give them one less thing to worry about in life.

Back to me. All I know right now is that I am HPV positive. I will have to tell doctors about this until I die. And I will have to ensure I am screened at least yearly for at least as long as it takes to go away.

And  based on general symptoms and stuff, I am 95% certain this is the only thing Big ever gave me. He needs to shop at better stores.